Coming to terms with reality

[eudemonism]

Hi, I'd just like to say too everyone on this thread. We all know what we need and want. And i think it comes down to us. Too make it happen for us. Because all the help and support in the world may just be an act of providing another with what they need and want. Which we foolishly abide too. Not saying that it dont serve a purpose to them. And on the contrary. Also to us. If we have this system in place for ourselves... but ultimately... you gotta get what you need and want from a situation or its gonna end up working out better for the others involved in the scenario... this is a huge factor in why good help is hard too find... because they have other ideas about what it should be and look like. While they taking the cream off the top for themselves. In a nasty, narcissistic, manipulative, controlling and deceptive type of way...

[eudemonism]

Hi @Former-Member and @Former-Member

[Vanessa5]

Hi @eudemonism,

Sounds like your visit was good to get out of your own head space. Sometimes it can be loud and amplified, i know. I got my art supplies depsite the constant conversation between various internakl critics and voices. Have done a sketch and would like to bring it to life with oil pastels on slightly larger scale. Deciding on colours still. There is some argument internally of course with art critic 'friend'. 

Sorry to hear the weather is really was not pleasant enough to go to beach. But a visit with your friend would have been just as nice i am sure. Its good you have a journal to vent in. I have a journal as well. In it i put only positive things. I don't want to remember the bad days. I do vent my negative thoughts but i only keep them on seperate bits of paper and rip them up when the mood passes as sort of a celebration for getting passed that emotional hurdle or a bad day with the voices and internal audio etc.I refer back to the journal to keep me positive. That is why i only put nice things in it. I used to vent in the note section of my iphone. Then i remembered that it kind of isn't private so i went old fashioned and got a hard copy one. Its great. You can stick whatever in it. You can't do that with an electronic journal.

I understand your interest in faith. I am not a religious person pesay but I am a spiritual person. Our beliefs and belief system can be useful in helping us cope during times of personal crisis. Mine certainly keeps me believing in the strength of humanity and that with unity comes acceptance of all people depsite their differences in not only their abilities but also their differences in faith and opinions on other things.

Hope it all works out well for you also... and peace be with you...

[Vanessa5]

Hi @eudemonism and others, i think that was very well written. We all need support but we must believe in our selves also. We as well as society need to focus on what we CAN do as opposed to what we CANNOT do. Our abilities should be at the forefront and not our disabilities. We are only as disabled as society fails to allow us to fully integrate using what abilities we do have. Do not let anyone treat us like we are lesser citizens for a condition that chose us. We didnt choose it. We are smart enough to know when we are being manipulated and spoken down to. Some people insult your intelligence because we don't communicate well verbally or we are slower to respond. These people abuse our power and are likely to have their own illness which might be passive aggressive in nature. Remember, keep humanity, unity and equality at the for front of how you think and react to everyday situations. You can only attempt to control and remain in control of your own thoughts. You cannot control what other people say and do. In the end if they are a nasty person who enjoys putting people down for their disability that that is their PROBLEM and their ILLNESS that needs treating. Don't beat yourseld up over people who gain power by saddisticly manipulating the vulnerable and disabled. They are usually after a reaction from you that feeds into the stereotypes about our illness. There are so many people who have our condition. You would be surprised to know who is actually schizophrenic in todaty's society. Its about attitude and not letting others treat you like your less of a person because you developed a brain condition. Peace.

[eudemonism]

Yeah! Excellent piece of writing! @Vanessa5 im desperately caught in a bind for a large part of the time. Caught between this type of thought. And caught between the other type of thoughts. They are always battling and waging war against one another. And using my bodily fears or my bodily needs as ammunition against one another. Which brings me to this scenario. I once thought of. "If im always aware of what my body is needing " i can always make the best choices for myself " and there is always a list of options i am procrastinating between. And too let myself down is the most awful feeling. Because im then faced with desperately reaching out to people in the act of needing help once again.

Its the fictitious game. Of, do i? Or, dont i? Act on what my brain has suggested maybe good for my. Mind, body and soul... and, if i follow through with the urges. Its usually a good result. The hard part is dealing with memories and perceived fears of wrongly defined and interpreted. Facial expressions and emotional responses from others. So basically preemptive measures of guarding myself from negative emotional responses. And deciding to lay down in bed. Instead of face the fears. (Super sensitive you could say )

Im getting better everyday. Always progressing. Heading in the right direction. And moving forward. And i understand the saying. "No pain, no gain " what is hard to deal with though. Is the feelings of a broken heart from within.

Its a slow and steady decline through each day. And there is no finding what im truly looking for. All i can really do... is hope that i accept that nothing has changed... and its the same stuff each day...

[eudemonism]

Its times like these i wish i had a sedative i could take which would zonk me out and make me sleep for 12 hours.

[Shaz51]

Coffee sounds great @eudemonism, @Vanessa5, @Former-Member, @Appleblossom, @Vanessa

how has your day been today

went and had morning tea with my mum and aunty this morning

and watching shows we taped during the week

[Shaz51]

Hello @Adek, how was your day today my friend

[eudemonism]

Pretty good thanks @Shaz51 everyday is a charming experience when you're in my shoes.

Sorry for the rambling, venting, psychological mumbo jumbo and writing about my feelings @everyone on this thread. Its a rather pitiful feeling now I'm reflecting upon my actions.

[Appleblossom]

@eudemonism You are about the right level of interpersonal for me ... dont worry on that score. You are a person, thats it, you call it how it is, for you. People who have not had similar experiences might find it hard to relate, some might extend their imagination and find a little compassion or understanding.

All we can do is water our little seed of hope, and weed around it so it does not get crowded out by thoughts or feelings that undermine our belief in ourselves and in life. 

@Former-Member things still delicato at home, and a mixed bag when out socialising.

Yet I perservere.  I have been very isolated in past, (10-40 years ago) but very busy socially atm.  I take it as an opportunity for me to learn/improve my social skills.  Getting quetly better at it, which also includes not letting people push me around or pass me around like a football. 

I guess I making fewer mistakes and being less idealistic about having or being the great friend or the great love and lowering my expectations.  I also figure if I am in enough groups, it lets me see in a series of interactions - whether any issues - might be about me putting my foot in it .. or others being rigid, locked into B&W or magical thinking.  I dont have to raise my observations or opinions and mostly just try to get along.

Today I did 2 little assertions.  One worked beautifully, the other is actually a case of bullying & harrassment but I am trying to be kind and let it be re-education.  3 bully ladies made life difficult for son & I about 3 years ago ... and they are getting the drift ... as I have refused to be pushed out and am getting support from interesting and lovely people.

Fancy, the silly lady telling me off in vocal warmups when she was totally wrong, but cos she is treasuerer and has her cronies all worked out, she did not even realise.  It was uncomfortable . but I quetly stood ground saying not to correct me when you are wrong, moved a few feet away, and got to sing with a much better singer.  Cos of their bullying I have lost income, but whatever ... atm I am trying to keep low profile but not submit unless person has genuine authority and my real respect.  Have been working on Impact statement Child Sexual Assault.  It is a new and eye opening outlook for me to resflect about this regarding myself. Geez there are a lot of people addicted to bullying. I try and forgive and be polite, but cos they know they did wrong at some level, they are getting antsy.  Still their problem tho.

Sometimes it takes me a LONG TIME to get clear re group interactions, but it helps when I do.  It is helping me set MY BOUNDARIES, which is a really difficult and counter intuitive thing for me

... but helps.

Kind of like we have to find out what it is that we want, really, truly want, and what the cosmos is able to give, for whatever reason.

Cheers @Vanessa5 @Shaz51