Coming to terms with reality

[eudemonism]

Well, too all whom read or maybe concerned...
Life is tough... I'm continually working out things about life and reality. And in particularly... stuff about how i work. And understanding my thoughts, actions and feelings process a little better each day. And it's hard to remain positive and hopeful! And sometimes feels easier to be overwhelmed and absorbed bye... Self pity, self loathing and despair...
I think a big part of me. Wants to make connections with people. Through expressing my. Problems, my distress, and my illness. And it has become an all consuming thing to do. And really offers no dignity or self satisfaction...
Without other people in my life. I'm no more then a broke man with no hope.
My time on the face of this planet is limited. And i wonder how long i will have left some days. And it may not be the best thing for me to do. Because i begin to think about how it will all end. And what will happen until my day arrives. Which will mean my life has simply amounted to death. But what a true treasure the struggle to survive has been.

[Shaz51]

Its times like these i wish i had a sedative i could take which would zonk me out and make me sleep for 12 hours. -- Hello @eudemonism, my mr shaz feels like doing that too xx

Hello @Appleblossom 

[Former-Member]

@Appleblossom

powerful stuff there

I need time to  digest and not just bumble through any old response

your raw honesty needs to be respected and honoured

[Appleblossom]

@eudemonism

People dont cope very well with talking about many problems, so I work on talking about the shared activity in the group I am in ... eg whether it is music or the zoo.

Sometimes I may have not been able to be selective about what comes out of mouth and plop .... there might be a big self revelation that I did  not intend to make ...

I am allowing myself to make mistakes and am just "practising" socialising.

I can get into a no future headspace easily.  It has only been in last 1-2 uears that I have been proactive and been planning a future for me.  It might be buying a ticket for a workshop.  SOmetimes I have not been up to the event at the time and gotten upset as I dont like to waste money.  Lately it has worked for me to make more frequent good events of less cost.

Some artistic communities are inclusive of diversity.  @eudemonism & @Vanessa5 There still may be a niche out there for you both somewhere.

[Former-Member]

hello @eudemonism

am so glad that you did some visiting....I know how hard it is to get out and actually do what you plan

I believe that you have great insight and openly talk about the internal struggles which work so hard at holding you back

those other voices that disagree with the positive ones telling you that you shouldn't

there is an inspirational lady who graduated from harvard university ......she talks back to her voices ...I will try to find the link for you ...let me know if you are not interested...or might have already seen it...she blew me away

I also can see from the time we first chatted on here to now that you have brought about some change in yourself

just look at all  the responses that you have had

I dont have voices but I do have recurring negative thoughts at times...I tell them that I am not listening to them as I am busy thinking about.....sometimes it works..they go away for awhile..the old programmmed negative thinking scenario....I am dwindling away at beating it

Hello @Appleblossom @Vanessa5 lovely to have you on board Vanessa....I see that you have some common interests...always makes interesting conversation and great at inspiring

speak soon all

[Former-Member]

@Appleblossom

I hear what you say

while I was reading your post and all of the others...I realised that there are some common factors that are not about mental illness..

lack of confidence...sensitivity...isolation...all of these can come about through low self esteem....

I know that mental illness can also create all of these also....

my point separate yourselves from your mental illness...what is left...ok lack of confidence etc etc etc

these are things most people need to work on at some stage in their lives

being able to talk confidently with others,.,,,,,fitting in....not sounding absurd.....again all part of learning about ourselves....not mental illness

this is not in any way a slur....or insinuation that you are hiding behind mental illness....quite the contrary I think that all of you are extremely brave, extremely fascinating even though you might not believe that yourselves

think about it and let me know your thoughts....

if nothing else ...something to talk about

[Former-Member]

oops above post meant to be addressed also to @eudemonism @Vanessa5 @Adek 

[Appleblossom]

@Former-Member I have been lucky or unlucky enough to see mental illness at close quarters, from a wide range of points of view, for a very long time.

I am so over it.  My family were also just PEOPLE, some of those with mI were biological but some were related by marriage.  I had so many years of incredible fear about going mad, went very mad for a while but also was brutally sane at the same time, still no meds or diagnosis.   For good or for ill ... it was the way the doctors I knew from late 80s-2000 played it.  When I tried to politely ask for clarification 10 years later from my main doctor for 8 years during the worst years of my life and a vulnerable stage for my children, I received a VERY PARANOID RESPONSE from him who became a teacher of psychiatry. He denied everything, saying under tax law he did not need to keep files more than 7 years.  He did not need to tell me that as I had only stopped working for ATO a year before I saw him.  If he had asked about my emplyment history he would have known. 

He told me to forgive my family which totally indicated his lack of understanding. It was they who cut me off and neglected me and tried to syphon much of any success or energy I may have had.  I have finally stopped wanting to reconnect after 20 years of trying, as it just further traumatises me. I also have a broader understanding of families in general, having worked closely with families as a private teacher.  He accused me of seeking out too many advisors becasue I took my family to a State run Family therapy centre.  I did it for love of them, as he was not really doing any therapy. I did not say or even think that at the time, I was just casting around for the best help for my kids. My ex did have a Supreme COurt case, but I certainly am not the type to do that, so in my eyes.  My ole doc is the paranoid one now. The word "schizophrenia" can be very scary for everybody in and out of the industry, but it was they who labelled 3 family members that way, not me.

@Former-Member  I doubt I am hiding behind MI. I have researched and normalised or understood my parents diagnosis from understanding the childhood traumas they were exposed to.  The CATT team have been involved a lot in keeping me in the community so I have not been hospitalised.

I am just a person like most others.  A GP who was semi-socially connected used my self diagnosis for a referral once .. Only thing specifically diagnosed with is MDD.

Sorry for the diversion @eudemonism @Vanessa5 but it also might be on the topic.

I had to come to terms with the limitations of the system and the bottom line of "reality" for a long time.

On one hand my parents were symptomatic, but it was not the whole of them. 

I also was shocked that the docs of a General Hospital that is now closed, diddled a diagnosis so they could discharge my brother innappriately with disastrous result, so another hospital a psych one could have a closing down party.  How do I know? i babysat one of the children of one of the nurses, he was excitedly telling me that he got the ward piano, one afternoon, thought I would be interested hhhhhmmm.  The next week my brother was dead.

Not the nurse's fault or the child I babysat, but it opened my eyes to few different realities.

[Former-Member]

@eudemonism

I can respond to your posts and tell you that you are an intelligent young man with much to offer the world

I can't help you when you are alone with negative thoughts...voices

I can say to you try certain ideas...I have no idea how hard it is..I read your struggles...inner battles...I admire you

I think that you are extremely strong.... You came to sane and exposed your feelings...you started this thread because you were brave enough to stand up for yourself against those voices..those negative thoughts..

abig part of you wants connection....you are connecting here..

 You are making new connections as your thread grows...you are making a difference here..

sometimes we wish so hard for things to be different..we have an ideal in our mind of what we want..need

we become so absorbed by this idea that we don't notice something new has come into our life..not what our ideal was ..an opportunity..we can try and find something different rewarding in a different way

keep on connecting..communicating..

[Former-Member]

@Appleblossom

I firstly want to reiterate that my post was in no way inferring that any of you used or hid behind mental illness

sometimes...I have written this before to others..my meaning is misunderstood..

usually at this stage I apologise then withdraw..

I am not withdrawing any more..nothing to do with you..this is to do with me

I sometimes find that I try so hard to help others that I end up having justify my thoughts 

You have been through some extremely difficult years..probably an understatement 

I do hope that in reading these posts you have felt safe enough to share such tragic times

if the most you have received from here is a platform to talk then that is a start

keep on fighting for your self...your worth..your achievements..love the times with you son

keep on being a part of the connection here

I wish this for all of you here on this thread