Lived Experience Forum

[sara]

My situation is drifferent again and i would like some thoughts if i could please.

9 months ago i lieft an abusive marrige with Mr 10 and Miss 3.

Mr 10 was really my lightbulb to what was going on in that house I think even after keeping an open discussion with him that he feels that it is his fault, he has anixity to the point he will have panic attacts in his bed and only wants to sleep on the floor. also his attitude has gotten worse and worse over the months. I have tried to get him a mental health plan but my doctor said that they dont do mental health plans for kids with anixity.

Miss 3 is a tottaly drifferent kettle of fish she seemed to be going with the flow but now I can not for the life of me get her to do "number 2" on the toliet i have tried everything charts self washing you name it. the merternal health nurse has giving me a referal for a truma therpist?? whatever that means she didnt explain it and i really dont know what to think.

[CherryBomb]

Kristin that's a great point about providing your children with other adults that they can speak to. 

We've got another 10 minutes before we finish up. So if there any last questions that you'd like to ask now is the time. 

[kristin]

Hi Michelle,

Thanks, he's not my husband (nor was he) he hasn't been my partner for over 3 years. but he did live with us on and off over that time because he kept ending up on the streets. He's not a bad person, there is much good in him. He loves our little girl, and until the other week I never thought he'd do anything to hurt her - especially not when stone cold sober.

I think the big take home lesson for me, besides that I need to put my compassion for her before my compassion for him, is that actively seeking and getting the support you need to work on your mental health is absolutely vital - otherwise you are in danger of simply acting out which is not good for anyone.

[HappySadMummy]

I think you need to find another GP. I was able to get a mental health plan for my daughter when she saw a private psychologist. For your son, have you had a chance to speak to a school counsellor? Organisations like COPMI and FaPMI may also be good starting points about what you can do to get extra emotional support for your children. Don't give up. It is out there. You just need a little more help to find it.

[Tatsinda]

Kristin that sounds really upsetting. Well done for doing all that you have. It is so disappointing when the ill spouse doesn't self regulate and takes it out on the kids. I recently moved from stating boundaries to adding in consequences, which has helped - eg 'if you get aggressive I will step in' , 'its not ok to call our kids rude names so i will ask you to take a break if that is happening'. and pointing out that if he is cranky no-one will want to be around him! And indeed we do avoid him at those times which is no fun for anyone but a natural consequence.
I do like the idea of asking him to basically avoid the kids if he knows its a bad day, easier said than done if we are all at home but I have been thinking I should try to work towards an agreement where he steps back and I step up, but that I then get a break when he is feeling better.

[kristin]

Hey @sara 

Well done for getting out of that. A very courageous thing to do.

A suggestion - ask the MCHN if the trauma therapist will see the 10yo too, or can she suggest someone else. It has taken me 5 years to find help for my 6yo, in the aftermath of the 2009 fires, and she has experienced and witnessed a lot of emotional abuse since.

The regression and other stuff with your kids can be very confronting. Know this - you see it because you are open to seeing, and they trust you enough to show you. This is an important place to begin from.

You may want to check out Theraplay (via Google) - I've found it very helpful for rebuilding trust with my little girl and there are some trained practiontioners in Victoria (it originates in Chicago, US). You can read about it on the US website.

Best of luck, it can be a long road finding the help your kids need. Hope for ehlpful help does endure...

Kind regards, 

Kristin

[Tatsinda]

Sara I agree that you should try a different gp. Or just ring local child psychologists and ask them what funding options there are for treatment. Best of luck, I hope you can find the assistance you need.

[HappySadMummy]

Forgot to add, ask your maternal health nurse to explain what she means by a trauma therapist. Keep asking the questions until you get answers and the help you so desperately need.

[CherryBomb]

Here's the links for COPMI and FaPMI. These services provide support to children who have have parents with MI and may be able to provide you with referrals to other specialists.

@sara, it's great that you're being proactive and looking for ways to get your children support. As @HappySadMummy mentioned going to another GP may be able to help to get you a referral to a private psychologist. 

This concludes Topic Tuesday for tonight. A big thank you to Michelle for her time tonight on the Forums. It certainly was an informative and insightful discussion about ways we can communicate with childen the impact of MI.

If you are interested in Michelle's book, it is availble here. It's a great resource for parents to explain and open up discussions about MI with their children.