Lived Experience Forum

[HappySadMummy]

Because I've always been honest with my children they have accepted what I have told them about my illness. They haven't always been happy with what I'm talling them (eg: sometimes mummy cries for no reason and she can't stop) but they've accepted the situation for what it is. 

[HappySadMummy]

I'm sorry to hear Kristin that the other parent is blaming the children. I guess the best you can do in situations like that is just keep telling your children that it's simply not true and the only reason the parent is saying it is their fault is because they are unwell.

I'd be interested to know what strategies you have used to protect your children in the past.

[CherryBomb]

I think talking honestly and openly with your kids from a young age helps to not only build knowledge, but acceptance and awareness of the self and others. 

What about input from other people? Does anyone else talk to your children about your illness (eg: partner, grandparent, close friend, school counsellor etc)? Does this help or make things worse?

[HappySadMummy]

Sounds like a difficult situation that you are handling well. I like the way you said you have kept the conversations going over time. In particular, your question about "How do you think Dad is going?" is a great way for your son to have some sense of control over what is happening. In other words, he may not be able to change things but he can at least express his thoughts and emotions, which in the end will help him to be a stronger person and maybe even express empathy towards his father.

[Tatsinda]

I tell my husband firmly to take a break if he starts to overreact to the kids and I sometimes quietly pull him up on the language he is using too. He doesn't like it when I step in but I need to do it as the kids can't.

[kristin]

I have realised that there is only so much I can do with this blaimng to counteract it. If the other parent were prepared to acknowledge crossing the line and apologise to me and more importantly to our child it might be less damaging. Sadly I can see that it was doing a lot of damage to my youngest and she has really taken it on board (she's 6). Her self-talk is terribly negative, and I've been seeing a lot of the acting out and demanding to have others read her mind about what she wants.

A couple of weeks ago he became violent and struck her so hard she had a bruise for over a week. I told him to leave immediately and he won't be back. Even with this he tried to blame me and my other daughter. 

In the past I have tried repeatedly to defuse the situation on the spot. Console the child, including explaining this was not ok of the other parent to do and reiterating "it's not your fault". When I and the other parent are calmer then saying to the other parent this is NOT ok and needs to stop - it's emotional abuse. Say what you want to happen, don't wait until you are at exploding point; ask for quiet, space etc or go outside for a break.

Sadly all to no avail. I already have 3 children, I can't be his mum too.

[HappySadMummy]

In my case, my daughter needed more support than I could offer her. I have been very unwell at times and her behaviour was regressing. She saw both a psychologist and a school counsellor which helped her to work through some difficult emotions.

In terms of other people my children have talked to about my illness these have included a close family friend and my sister. It's usually the adult who initiate these types of conversations and they're the sort of people who are the first to sense when extra support might be needed in the family home of their friend or relative. By this I mean, I don't necessarily ask friends and/or family to talk to my children about my illness, they just do because they're that kind of empathetic person.

Thankfully, the sort of people who say things like "just get over it" have never spoken to my children about my illness. I think this is because they just feel uncomfortable talking about mental illness period.

[HappySadMummy]

Again, a hard one when the other parent is behaving inappropriately.

Have you tried talking to your husband when he's well about setting certain boundaries. ie: Don't wait until the situation is bad. Try and put some tactics in place that he can follow when he feels himself becoming unwell. For eg: Could you try telling him, that he needs to stay away from the children altogether if he's having a bad day? Hopefully, if you've discussed what he needs to do before he gets to the point of behaving totally inappropriately, he MAY remember your conversation and hopefully, follow through before any more damage is done.

[kristin]

Cherry I think it is really important that you can offer your child other trusted adults to talk with about your MI, especially if they are struggling with it, or have questions they find difficult to ask you. What other role they might have in our child's life is I think less important. If you trust them and they have a rapport with your child and they "get it" then this is a good start - being a good listener is pretty important too.

You are so right about building awareness and resilience. Both of my older kids have a very high level of awareness, and are much more ok with other people's "weirdness" as being part of the human spectrum and worth honouring and valuing as best we can.

Last year my son was very active in supporting, and I'd go so far as to say saving, one of his best friends who was acutely suicidal after losing his dad to cancer. My son knew this was something to be taken seriously and that his friend needed help and support - he did his utmost to personally support his friend until we were able to get school to offer helpful help in the form of a youth servics clinic with psychologists.

[HappySadMummy]

I'm so sorry to hear this Kristin. Sounds like you have done everything in your powe over the years to diffuse difficult situations before they get to breaking point. Sadly, it sounds like this is definately not working at the moment if your husband is physically abusing your daughter. You are right in putting her safety first. I hope you have lots of professional as well as personal support to help you get through such a difficult time.