Lived Experience Forum

[HappySadMummy]

In terms of telling the truth and setting boundaries, it sounds like you need to talk to both parties - your husband and the children.

With regards to your husband, it may be useful for him to tell the children when he's not having a particularly good day and then make suggestions of how they can help him. This may be as simple as saying, Dad's not feeling too great at the moment and I need to have some quiet time on my own. It's really important though that your husband makes it clear that it is in no way, the children's fault. With respect to your children, it's the same thing but in reverse. You need to have a conversation with them about why their father is behaving in a certain way (age approprate conversations are the go here) and let them know what they should do when he's not having such a good time. ie: Give him quiet, alone time.

[HappySadMummy]

In my own case I used very simple language for my then 3 and 6 year old  children when I was first diagnosed with bipolar. In my book, I use the same basic imformation that I used with my own children. That is, words like happy, sad, tired, talks too much, cries etc.

When my children were older I gradually added more technical terms such as depression, manic, bipolar etc.Discussions need to be ongoing and change as the child matures and can take in more. It's also important not to overburden them with too much information. It's also really important to let them ask questions.

Stigma is a tricky one. I think you need to be honest but perhaps also let your children know that it's not the sort of information that they just go around and tell anyone. Perhaps name a few trusted adults they can discuss their concerns with.

[HappySadMummy]

Being hoenst can only benefit your child. By being honest you are giving him the best chance of making sense of a difficult situation, which will help build resiliance - the opposite of a blaming voice in his head!

[CherryBomb]

Michelle, following @kristin question: 

"Do you have any suggestions about how best to weigh up what/how to tell kids? My own experience is that it is about considering the circumstances and what they can understand, but also not burdening them with your fears or issues"

How do you know what to say and what not to say? I worry about saying too much... 

[HappySadMummy]

Yes, that is a very difficult situation. Sometimes parents who are unwell say and do things that are distressing or even inappropriate.

It's hard to explain to a yound child in particular, that the parent sometimes can't help doing or saying the things they do. The best I have come up with is, again, honesty. Something along the lines of Mummy/Daddy's brain doesn't always work properly so she/he says/does things that might make you upset. Mummy/Daddy is sick and I and the doctors etc are trying to help her/him get better.then reasurring them that they have done nothing wrong.  

For the older child you can go into more detail. Even bring up medication and some of the things their parent may be doing to help themselves get better. Again, it's important to reiterate that it's not the child's fault in any way.

[CherryBomb]

I see, be open and honest in an age appropriate way. Telling them what they can understand on their level, is that right? 

May I ask you, and other people viewing this discussion, how have your children responded when you have talked to them about your illness?

[kristin]

I agree boundary setting is really important. I have used lots of this language myself over the years when my kids were/are younger (age range 6-18 ATM). I agree that the "it's not your fault" is terribly important. Unfortunately sometimes the boundary setting has to take a different turn when the unwell parent is not taking responsibility for their inapropriate behaviour and IS blaming the child(ren). Sadly where I find myself now, after struggling with this for years.

[HappySadMummy]

Your own child will guide you. At first, it's probably best to just give the bare minimum of information and see how they react. If they don't say anything then you might ask them if they have any questions. If they do, answer them as honestly as you can but in an age appropriate manner. If they don't have any questions, let them know that it's ok to ask questions at another time. That way, the child has the opportunity to mull over the conversation and/or come to terms with what has been said. It's ok too for you to check in at various times down the track to either repeat what has already been said and/or add some new piece of information.

[kristin]

Cherry I was surprised how well my children responded to "mummy (or daddy) is not well at the moment, is very stressed and needs lots of quiet time. You can help by playing quietly in another room, only coming to ask questions or with probelms when they are urgent. Mum (or dad) needs time out (or cool down time) now."

Now with two teeneagers I've had the more detailed conversations a couple of times: "Here's the family history, trauma is a significant factor - hopefully you will be okay, and BTW don't mess with self-meds of any sort because it's like playing Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun! Drug etc induced psychosis is trauma, ergo avoid it. If you need help then get it early!" (This is a precis obviously.)

[Tatsinda]

I've food it helpful to bring up the topic every now and again with my eldest, along the lines of 'how do you feel things are going with Dad?' - basically giving him the chance to talk and keeping the conversation going over time. @kristin, I am often in the same sort of situation - having to step in on the parent child relationship and set boundaries on behalf of the kids. I feel quite angry to have to do it but needs must.