Lived Experience Forum

[Former-Member]

well done @Mazarita 🙂 Glad that you got to the appointment and it went ok! I do the same thing, replaying things that i remember over and over... looking for more answers than there were or wondering if i said the right thing, too much, too little etc! the brain needs a pause button at times! 

I also write alot.. not in journals, i just write and delete on word lol! too afraid to have anything i write around to be read by anyone.. i also used to write to my psychologist in between sessions because i'd never say stuff that i needed to talk about out loud 🙂 but then i'd be so nervous about what i'd written and be panicking about seeing her again lol!

Hope that you have another appt with the psych and he continues to be helpful!

LJ

[Appleblossom]

 @Former-Member little bluebird you are so perky and encouraging

I have been on the rollercoaster of new psych a few times.  It can be exhausting. @Mazarita I did not mean to be too casual about it, just trying to add levity. I replay interactions in my mind with counsellors, check out chics, most things. I go over my posts and replies on this forum, am anxious about how things are taken, but also trying to get beyond the politically correct and put more personality into what I say.  In some ways I have too many scruples and have difficulty turning my brain off.  Its not about having a bad conscience.  Its overstimulation from very early age.

Good luck with him and congrats getting out.

[Mazarita]

@Former-Member, @Appleblossom,

It's weird when your mind goes on replay loop like that. Sleep is my only real off switch at times like that, if I can get to sleep. I woke up thinking about it all again this morning but in a much quieter voice, thank goodness.

AB: I know what you mean about being anxious about what you write on the forums. I've started and erased a number of messages and worried about the ones I've written too. 

LJ: I like how you write a journal and then instantly erase it; that makes perfect sense to me. I dumped boxes full of old writing during a move of apartment and feel lighter and better for it. Still holding onto some of the more recent journal books but will probably get rid of them too at the next move. 

[Mazarita]

Today I've been in a frozen state just trying to manage the intensity of my emotions, breathing deep a lot to ward off crying and slept a couple of hours during the day. Been struggling to join in here, keep starting messages and erasing them. Neither am I engaging with regular social media much at all. Lack of confidence, paranoia, depression getting in the way of really reaching out to people. 

Any positives here? Well, I have managed to get to bed earlier the past couple of nights and have woken at a more reasonable hour in the day. Today I got dressed and made my bed (on my worst days I don't manage either of those things). I had a nice dream while I was asleep and my partner is being kind as usual. I also have a fair degree of movement in moods so I know there's a fair chance today's feelings may be different tomorrow. And I am writing here, after all.

One thing I haven't mentioned before is that I came off my anti-depressant medication about 3-4 weeks ago. I will be talking about starting a different one with my new psychiatrist at my next appointment in three weeks. I keep wishing that I could be free of medication but, over about 20 years, my breaks from medication have never lasted for very long before I was in big emotional trouble again.

Yesterday was more of a day to celebrate. I got out to the shops and went for a long walk on the beach. Yesterday, I managed to get some small domestic tasks done. Yesterday was much more encouraging than today. Holding onto some hope for tomorrow...

[Jacques]

Hi @Mazarita,

Sorry i have not spoken on here for a few days, i am still in a bit of a anxious state from firday night, i feel so angry at myself for distressing @Appleblossom, i read she did not sleep that night for what i said,  i am frightened that i a mgoing to upset everyone here with what i write.

maybe i should not speak, but this forum is all i have.

Sorry now for you, i am so sad that you have had a rough few days, you were doing so well getting to the doctors and psyciatrist.  you should be so proud pushing yourself like that, it is more than i can manage.

well yesterday sounds wonderful, a walk on the beach, i have not done that in 16 years.  you are so lucky to have such a supportive partner, i wish i had a partner, someone to talk things through with, someone who understands me, oh well. 

i know what it is like to have big mood swings, my moods change from hour to hour.  i think we just need to maximise the good moods and get through the bad moods as best we can.  you are so lucky you can dream, i can't dream, everything is blank until i wake up.

i am having the same motivation problems as you, my walking has suffered, i am only walking 5 - 4 days per week now, and no weights at all.

well make sure you look after your self, maybe give your partner a big hug for being their, they sound like a great person.

Take Care

Jacques

[Mazarita]

Hey @Jacques,

Thanks for replying, relating and empathising. About the forum anxiety: we are all of us vulnerable and sensitive and it's probably hard for us not to sometimes trigger each other to some extent, even in unexpected ways. I think it would be great if we just keep talking to each other anyway and take time out whenever we need it.

Yes, I am glad I made it to the psychiatrist and I'm even looking forward to the next appointment now. But it does mean confronting some feelings I was managing to avoid previously. These feelings are part of the process of trying to move forward I think.

My partner is a wonderful person. I haven't given up hope that I may be able to become more functional in day to day life so that these issues I have don't need to be such a dynamic between us. I agree about maximising the good times and getting through the bad times as best we can. 

It's great that you walk, even if it doesn't happen every day of the week. Let's keep encouraging each other to do that. 🙂

[Appleblossom]

@Jacques

You of all people absolutely did not distress me.  Please do not worry and do not stop posting just as you do. I gained pleasure from watching you open up, and see your creative and supportive sides. Thank you for the trust.

I am stronger than that. I would miss your authentic presence.

Note to self: I have to be careful as I dont know how my posts are interpreted.

i) I became generally mildly sad because I have spent many hours reading many many posts on this site. I for one do not think that sadness per se is a pathology.  It can be part of the treasure that is being human.  If I did not have feelings about what I had read then I would think less of myself.  It was the general sense that things are tough for people..

ii) The night I couldnt sleep I did get intensely triggered about something the delightful and well intentioned @NikNik posted but I hope I have sorted that out with her.

 Its the human that counts.

I am ok. I also had a power outage and been busy so not online.

Went to a free seminar about Victoria Creative industries Strategies.  It just good to get out of house, spread a bit of the love with likeminded artsy types better than the pub.

[PeppiPatty]

dear  @Jacques

Please dont leave sane forums ......i get so much good stuff from you. 

I dont have a partner either. Well, my dog Arlo is pretty good. We will leave it at that okay?

Ihavent gotten any notices from sane today, i wonder if my getting notifications stopped working?Love how you write about the beach.......

This support for @Mazarita is good hey.

Hi @Mazarita how are you? 

[Appleblossom]

@Mazarita

Hope you are doing ok. Glad you have a good partner.

I dont mean to let off "bombs" but when I re read my posts I can see the pain would be hard to take for sensitive people. I will try and be more careful.  I also was trying to be honest but I have revealed enough on this site.  I had a psychologist tell me I should be more authentic.  Maybe she wasnt really aware that we can be capable but still have MI issues and "scandal" in our personal lives. It doesnt mean there is lack of truth. I guess I have been reacting to her a bit.  She was ok but just another person with her own biases

I am concerned about @Jacquestoo.

If it is any consolation I spend time in foetal position every week. Sometimes it is sadness, exhaustion or palpitations. When I was young I did a few years of Primal Therapy and then I meditated twice per day, I have done different yogic and breathing exercises, and lots of physio exercises, but I am not structured in it any more, I just go with my flow. Now I use my bed as crash pad and allow myself that luxury. I get up when I have to for something or I feel motivated.

I only make my bed when i change the doona and sheets. It seemed silly when i was crawling straight back under them all the time.

I am going to work on my sleep hygeine, but I have had to get a mental place where I can give myself a nice bedroom and not punish my self about that.

.

[PeppiPatty]

its nice and calm having a good bedroom