Lived Experience Forum

[Powderfinger]

@Anastasia and others.

I went into the house this morning to make a drink upon waking up and to splash my tired eyes with some water. Her bedroom door was open and she was sleeping. Hard not to look. Where I used to sleep next to her, she has a pillow and then ele (a big stuffed soft elephant). It obviously is a make shift body. 

I just stood there and looked for a while. The frightening thing for me was that I wanted to feel and couldn't. It's not the absence that there are no feelings there, I just could not feel them. It's like that with a lot of things though. I wasn't like this prior. 

I had memories of us, have memories of us. The beautiful times and the tremendous amount of love and happiness between us. I also have memories of the pain and hurt caused. 

I came back to my workshop/living quarters. Started writing a letter in my head that just became all jumbled. Then I sat here for a bit just pondering. I thought to myself, the person I was even just under a week ago is no longer. It's not that I see things this way because of anything else but the fact that I have changed very significantly. I cannot name the ways I have changed right now. It's a bit much. 

I felt sad. I felt sad that she never really got a chance to know me. Not because I remained hidden, other reasons. I'm sad because I can probably not say to her I have changed because she did not know me before. I mean she did know aspects of me. It's just that me was hidden because she was still trapped so much in her own past. A lot of projection onto me. 

I'm.also going through other major heartache and pain plus a change of life. I know that I need lots of time to recover. It's slow. I doubt a lot of my decisions because I'm swamped on my own. Just trying to make the right ones for me, bit being doubtful they are right. I'm ok with decision that need to be made at present, anything more than a few days ahead is just no doable. 

It helps when I can have a conversation about things with people. 

[Anastasia]

I'm just seeing this now. I'm sorry. I don't know why tags don't always work. I looked up you and searched where you have written so I could try to understand. Im so sorry you have so much going on, so much pain, a broken heart. Reaching out giving you a much needed hug in the hope it allows you to know that I care and I'm here for you my dear dear friend @Powderfinger 🤗💕

[Powderfinger]

@Anastasia 

Well, I hope you see this one. Must be an issue with the system. I am actually very confused in this moment. Confused, vulnerable, worried and not at all sure what it means. The whole day today she has been nice to me. It feels really weird @Anastasia  

I mean I am sure by now you have picked up in my posts that she just doesnt talk to me. Not at all. She was nice to me yesterday as well but even nicer to me today. These are the things she did. I am super bust till the end of this week with work. I have to really focus hard on what I am doing cause there is a lot to get through. Today, she verbally asked me how it was all going? Then later in the afternoon she sent me a text saying that she was going shopping and could she get me anything? I was completely baffled. I replied and said I would think if I needed anything and get back to her. That in itself is strange. I do not have a car and she does. I lost my transport so have only jusy now started to get my own independance back with finding my own way around. She has never asked me prior to this. I mean since we parted. 

Anyhow, Ive asked for three items I did need. One of them, you really have to look closely or you could pick the wrong one and I let her know that. She replied and said I will make sure I get you the right one. I was like thinking in my head, WTF is going on here???? Then she came out to make her dinner. I was working away. Last night she offered me dinner and I said no thanks, I have enough food for myself. Then tonight she said do you still have enough food for yourself. I said yes, I am good thanks. Then she said if you want any of my dinner there is a lot there. I said oh ok thanks. Today she bought the bin in as it was bin night last night. Usually I would have been left to do it. 

I know people do nice things and that is normal. I'm just saying given the history, it is making me feel confused and uncertain why she is being so nice to me. I will not ask her. My guard is still very much up and my heart is very closed off. I am just not sure what to do with this at the moment. I am not sure what to think or do. Im confused, vulnerable and I really have to focus on my work as I have a deadline. 

I am not sure I can get through this. 

[Anastasia]

Hi beautiful @Powderfinger 

Thank you for letting me know you'd tagged me. I had seen it but was not up to responding adequately at the time as i've been quite sick. So my intent was to come back but I hadn't got there as yet sorry, so I am really glad you reminded me 🤗

I'm not at all surprised you are lost and confused with her behaviour and treatment toward you. Considering it sounds to be polar opposite to how she has been since you broke up! Hmmmm my only thought around this is perhaps she has been given some advice, be it professional or other around how to "be". Perhaps she wasn't coping herself and someone has advised that this is the way she should act and in turn you will respond positively so it will make for a better existence whilst you are both in the living situation you are in??????

What do you think, does that sound like it could be possible? Arghhh I so feel for you, having been in the situation before I know how treacherous it is. Has there been any mention of her looking at places, date to move etc? I'm so sorry this is happening, I wish I could reach in and give you a really long hug, let you cry till there are no more tears cause i feel that you would have lots. I hope this helps a little?

I do have to attempt to get to work today but I don't know how long illlast given I really don't feel up to it so if you need me please tag me (🤞🤞🤞 hopefully will work) and I will don't beat to respond asap. Love you beautiful girl 🤗💪✔️💕

[Anastasia]

Hello @Powderfinger 

I have had you in my thoughts all day Wondering how you are coping with so much to cope with. I thought I would tag @Zoe7 as I feel she is a wonderful source of advice and may have more to add offer than what I can...

When I went about my day today I pondered other reasons why her behaviour has changed so significantly and I wonder if it it the realisation around "making the most" of the little time you have under the one roof left? Again, it's hard to know for sure but one thing I am certain about is that it can't be easy for either of you. Hugs and more hugs 💜🤗

Hope you're ok? X

[Zoe7]

Hi @Anastasia @Powderfinger Not sure I have much more to add than you already have Myboy.

@Powderfinger Looking back on how you have been treated by her it is no wonder you are presently confused - it is a complete about face and with no reason for it. What I would say is do not let your guard down - it has been up for many, many reasons and one of those is to protect yourself while you try to navigate your way through this break up.Your ex has been provided with many opportunities to talk, open up and discuss what is happening and chosen to stay silent - this may very well be her trying to part on good terms but it is also a recognisable pattern of abusers that we as the recipients can easily get sucked into again. 

Do you have a date yet when she is leaving? 

[Powderfinger]

@Anastasia 

I'm.not OK at all. I'm so damn angry and in pain. An impossible situation. I'm tired of people telling me be strong, you've got this, do this, do that. I'm heavily depressed, have no relief from my feelings and thoughts, am struggling with the loss, confusion and especially not being able to talk to her about our split. 

There is a shortage of accommodation here where I live. Real estates take forever to go through applications. There is no long term accommodation at any of the caravan parks. She has put three applications in. Does not mean sny if them will be successful. I can't leave because I got to be here and do things around the house BUT I'm struggling to do it because every single day I'm having to try get through the day. 

I'm not kicking her out. I need to sort something out for myself cause I can't keep going on like this. It's too much weight on my soul, heart, body and mind. 

I can't deal with how I'm feeling everyday. The loss of her, the loss of my dreams, the loss of the life we had planned together, the loss of so many things. If one more person is to say to me, there will be someone else, what are you going to do moving forward and do on, I think I'm going to scream. I'm not even thinking about any of that and it's not helpful. 

There are not enough jars in the world to catch my tears. 

[Peri]

Dear @Powderfinger , @Anastasia ,

powderfinger. Myboy is right, things can change suddenly and staying is self destructive.  It is you house, you stay and she goes.  You get out of that shed and stop making it easy and whatever you do , do not go away and leave her there.  If you can’t face her alone to tell her to leave, do you have someone who can be with you. She needs s timeline, s short one, and to be gone, yes you will grieve and feel alone but it won’t be this horror.  

If she is still in your bedroom you need to go back there and she moves out u til she goes. I know this is not easy. I left a marriage with my children when in this I left my husband in the house.  BIG mistake. You are making this too easy for her to stay and feel ok while you will get driven out   Staying with someone when the connection is gone is soul destroying. Who knows why these things happen? I don’t 

but you must look to yourself now. and seek support. 

Peri

[Anastasia]

I understand @Powderfinger 

Yes it is definitely the last thing you need and want to hear right now.

I can hear your pain. I'm so sorry. Just sitting here and @Zoe7 is too in the hope that you know you aren't alone.  XoX

[Powderfinger]

I'm grateful to you @Anastasia @Zoe7 @Peri 

I will respond soon. Just want time to process things you are all saying. I agree with you all.