@Anastasia and others.

I went into the house this morning to make a drink upon waking up and to splash my tired eyes with some water. Her bedroom door was open and she was sleeping. Hard not to look. Where I used to sleep next to her, she has a pillow and then ele (a big stuffed soft elephant). It obviously is a make shift body. 

I just stood there and looked for a while. The frightening thing for me was that I wanted to feel and couldn't. It's not the absence that there are no feelings there, I just could not feel them. It's like that with a lot of things though. I wasn't like this prior. 

I had memories of us, have memories of us. The beautiful times and the tremendous amount of love and happiness between us. I also have memories of the pain and hurt caused. 

I came back to my workshop/living quarters. Started writing a letter in my head that just became all jumbled. Then I sat here for a bit just pondering. I thought to myself, the person I was even just under a week ago is no longer. It's not that I see things this way because of anything else but the fact that I have changed very significantly. I cannot name the ways I have changed right now. It's a bit much. 

I felt sad. I felt sad that she never really got a chance to know me. Not because I remained hidden, other reasons. I'm sad because I can probably not say to her I have changed because she did not know me before. I mean she did know aspects of me. It's just that me was hidden because she was still trapped so much in her own past. A lot of projection onto me. 

I'm.also going through other major heartache and pain plus a change of life. I know that I need lots of time to recover. It's slow. I doubt a lot of my decisions because I'm swamped on my own. Just trying to make the right ones for me, bit being doubtful they are right. I'm ok with decision that need to be made at present, anything more than a few days ahead is just no doable. 

It helps when I can have a conversation about things with people.