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Something’s not right

still_bookish
Senior Contributor

Always the darkness

Things must be bad. I’ve come back to this place that I left because it felt unsafe before, but where I had some very good friends who I cared about so much (and still do). Maybe it will be a short-lived experiment. Maybe I’ll have been completely forgotten anyway. To be honest, it feels like a bad idea. I know there are people here who have caused me harm. And I know some of the people I cared for deeply are no longer here. But some are still here and I’m sure there are loads of lovely new (to me) folk, too. I’m trying to be brave. I’m struggling and isolated and I know that having people to talk to who get it can really help. I know this can be a great place for connection.

 

A little about me: I’m bookish (still). My pronouns are she/her. I’m 42 years old. I’m human to an awesome 11-year-old rescue cat who is my whole world (I call her Edie on here). I’m more isolated and terrified than I have ever been. I’m a writer, a reader and an introvert. I’m queer. I’m disabled (and tired of fighting for access in an inaccessible world). I’d be lost without my iPod. I have more diagnoses than you can poke a stick at, but really it all comes back to complex trauma.

 

I’m posting this in ‘Something’s not right’ because: a) I’m the something; b) quite honestly, every day is a bad day for me; and c) maybe this is where I’ll live now. I’m not a ray of sunshine or glass-half-full but I’m kind, and I'm still breathing (albeit poorly) and that’s something, I guess.

 

But anyway, even without the nest and ocean dwellers, I’m here, getting my brave on and hoping to cross paths with some other dear old friends.  *takes a deep breath*  Let’s see how this goes.

 

Thanks for reading. 🌷

58 REPLIES 58

Re: Always the darkness

Hi @still_bookish welcome back to the SANE Forums, 

My name is Daisydreamer and I am the Community Manager here at SANE. I am really sorry to hear that you felt unsafe in this community in past- I hope that this experience for you is different and full of support, compassion and above all connection with others who can lend a listening ear Heart

 

I really value your bravery to give the Forums another go, and get to know the community again Heart Things might look a bit different if it has been a while, so please let us know if we can help you find your way around at all 🙂 

 

It sounds like your cat is an incredible support and big part of your family, and I can also hear how much self awareness you have of your experience and story. I look forward to getting to know you better. 

 

You mentioned that every day feels like a bad day for you, would you feel comfortable to tell me a little bit more about what that looks like for you? 

Re: Always the darkness

Hi @Daisydreamer. Thank you for the warm welcome. I really do hope I’ve made the right decision coming back to the Forums. I guess time will tell.

 

I’m not sure how to answer your question (about what my everyday bad days look like) without writing an essay and/or sounding like a sook. I’ve lived with trauma, mental ill-health and chronic suicidality my whole life. Despite decades of ‘seeking help’, I’m currently more unwell than I’ve ever been. (Turns out a pandemic is not a good time for someone with OCD and multiple other anxiety disorders. Who’d have thought? 🙃) I’m essentially housebound and struggling to connect with anyone at all—too disabled to use the disability funding I fought so hard for, that is supposed to provide support and make life better. A life without meaning isn’t really a life at all. I’m just surviving.

 

Anyway, I work really hard to stay for others (particularly my Edie-cat 🐱) because it’s the right thing to do. I’m trying my best, while being acutely aware that it’s (I’m) not enough.

Re: Always the darkness

Oh @still_bookish You have absolutely made my day HeartSmiley Very Happy It is such a wonderful surprise to see you back here Hon and I am beyond happy to see you. You have never been far from my mind - I often wonder how you are and what you are up to - I do know why you left and fully understood - but I also hope now that you have reached out again that it is different for you this time. Doing a massive happy dance here my beautiful friend ...here with you with the biggest open arms to wrap around you 💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖

Re: Always the darkness

Oh my lovely @Zoe7, you have just made this incredibly scary leap of faith totally worth it. 😭 Thank you. 💚 Thank you for being here, for remembering me, and for being you. 💚 I’ve missed you so very much (and a certain bear and turtle, too). More than I can say. Truly. I’ve thought so many times about coming back but always stopped myself. I’ve popped in occasionally to see how you’re doing (in a totally non-creepy way, of course) but it was hard to be here. I took a brief wander down memory lane earlier and it was a reminder of the mess, but more so of the connection and friendship we all shared. I’m so pleased to see you’re a Community Guide now. I can't believe I'm back. I’m scared. But I’m here.

Re: Always the darkness

Don't be scared gorgeous - I got you ...always Heart I cannot truly express just how much seeing you here this afternoon has lifted me up and made my day. It is not great that things are so bad for you Hon but I am so very grateful (selfishly) that you have reached out - that is one massive and very brave step with all that happened for you ...but new starts, new experiences and new members ...and I have no doubt once people get to know you as I do that you will be wrapped in their arms also. I am the happiest little flutterby right now and cannot get the smile of my face @still_bookish Plenty of time to catch up with each other - for now I am just basking in the beautiful Bookish glow 💖💖💖

Re: Always the darkness

Thank you, @Zoe7. 💚🌷 You’re a star, my flutterby friend. 🦋

Re: Always the darkness

@still_bookish 💚💚💚 I have a new cat - Clover - she is nearly one and is just the cutest little squishy face. Toby and her play together, pounce on each other (mostly Clover pouncing on Tobes lol) and run around the house playing chasings. They are soooo adorable together. I lost Cat a few months ago - just devastated but her cancer had spread and she was in pain. My beautiful vet was there and they called in her usual nurse (she came on her day off) so whilst being very sad it was also nice to know she was so cared for until the end. How is Edie?

Re: Always the darkness

Oh @Zoe7, I am so so sorry to hear about Cat. 😭 I’m so glad she had beautiful people looking after her. (Bless that nurse! What a gem.) Also very glad that you and Toby have Clover to pounce on your hearts now. 💚

 

Edie is well, thank you. Still my purry little reason for being. I’m grateful for her every second of every day. She’s currently asleep on top of the bookshelf. It’s been quite warm here today so why she’s sleeping up there where the air is even hotter, I have no idea, but cats will always cat. 😊

 

I’m sorry, I haven’t had a chance to read back recent posts (got caught up in the past earlier) but I did briefly see that you’d been writing reports, I think. How is work going? When I left you’d only recently gone back. I hope you’ve been enjoying it and also that life has been treating you well in general (aside from Cat, obviously).

Re: Always the darkness

Been a really up and down year or so @still_bookish - more downs than ups but getting through it. Have lost quite a few people over the last 2 years and it has been incredibly hard. Just a few weeks after losing Cat my beautiful neighbour passed away so life at home really changed. I am so very grateful for Tobes and Clover though - have pulled me through so many times ...and of course some of our wonderful friends here. My physical health has been up and down also but mentally doing okay (for the most part - grief certainly takes hold). My present school (2nd year there) has been sooo supportive. All the senior staff have been amazing. I could not have gotten through without them to be honest. 

 

Reports are done - just end of year mayhem to get through but I can finally breathe. Going to see my Mum tomorrow - and Dad and sister. Mum hasn't been too good - spent a few weeks in ICU after crashing in Emergency - so that was a scary time. Just recently been back in hospital but seems to be doing much better now. Dad has also had health issues so between us all I think we are keeping the medical fraternity going lol

 

OMG aren't cats funny. They do seem to like the warmer spots. Cat used to lay in the kennel even on the hottest days. Clover is a bit more of a Me cat. She follows Tobes and I everywhere. I have a cat that thinks she is a dog and a dog that thinks he is a cat - my beautiful little world here 🐶😺💖

 

Enough about me - what have you been up to? So much to catch up on... I cannot wait Heart

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