1... 2... 3...BPD and counting

[LovelyBones88]

@rav3n and @Jynx 

I'm doing my best to be not a bother to anyone hence why most of the time I sit and wallow on the idea of all the what if's... Like what if I'm dead probably something good might come out of it, or what if I try this or try that?.. I try my best to explore everything I could that would hopefully get me somewhere better than where I am now... I hate that there's not one explanation asto how I'm feeling it even what I'm feeling... I just have scars to show all the troubles I've been, all the disappointments from the health system and the wishful thinking that this time might be different but it never is... 

If this continues on, I feel that I will be left with no choice but to take the easy way out relieving everyone from me and my troubles... Just a great parting gift from me... 😕

[Jynx]

@LovelyBones88 it sounds like you're really keen on doing some deep, internal healing work. Looking into the past to better understand how your experiences have shaped your thoughts n behaviour, examining your options for moving forward.

This sorta stuff is often only possible with a good therapist with whom we have a safe n trusting relationship. You had a therapist before?

I really am hearing you on how this is triggering lots of suicide ideation. I totally know how scary it can be to sit with those kinds of thoughts. Unfortunately, the Forums aren’t a counselling or crisis service, however you can call any of the following services for immediate support:

Lifeline: 13 11 14 or Crisis Chat

Suicide call back service: 1300 659 467

Samaritans: 135 247

If in immediate danger: 000

Please know you're not alone hun. There is always hope for change 💜

[LovelyBones88]

Thanks! Just knowing that someone is listening is sometimes more than enough for people like me... I know I have alot of work still to do but in these kind of instances it's hard to look at the bigger picture, tunnel vision is what I revert to always... I've dealt with this for many years and still couldn't get the right blend to just get me going even just for the hour...

It's tough but hopefully good things will come soon... 

Thank you everyone, I truly appreciate all the recommendations that everyone has said... I'll try my best to doy best into finding the right help... ❤️

[LovelyBones88]

Yet again, as soon you think that all is good then BAM! your being fucked around by your local hospital... They've called my pharmacist and told them that they want to change my meds hence my pharmacist wouldn't give me my Webster packed meds, so I'm left with no meds at all... Why are people so controlling? This just feeds my paranoia about people's intentions towards me and my care.... I can't trust anyone...

[Ru-bee]

Ugh @LovelyBones88 I can only imagine how frustrating that situation is, especially if you were already at the pharmacy.

I'm hearing that you're not feeling very control of your own treatment right now, which is completely understandable if you haven't been included on this conversation about changing your medication.

Did they let you know when you'll be going onto the new medication or give you any more information around that? 

[Former-Member]

Hi @LovelyBones88 

I really feel your pain and I hope something lovely comes your way soon to give you hope.  ❤️🌷

TW: suicide attempt

Content/trigger warning

On the 4 August this year, I was thinking of ending my life, I called Lifeline Crisis who told me to ring 000.  After I was taken to a fairly small hospital in my town I was seated in a small darken room and left there unattended for 5 hours.  Eventually someone remembered I was there and put an ID bracelet on me and told me to wait for the mental health team.

To cut a long story short they didn't offer me any help and told me to see my GP.   It was a really surreal day!  I'm okay now but I'm never sure when those terribly dark feelings will return.

I hope you have someone who can take you out for a coffee and chat.  However, if you're anything like me, you don't want to burden others.

I am thinking of you.

R 🌻

[rav3n]

i'm so sorry to hear about both your experiences @LovelyBones88 @Former-Member - you both deserve so much better and what's happened to you is NOT a reflection of your worth. you both deserve to feel supported and cared for. we hear you, sitting with you both 💗

[Former-Member]

Hi @rav3n and @LovelyBones88 

I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) by a psychiatrist via a telehealth style of  appointment. I think the name of this disorder is very unhelpful and as it seems to frighten people.  So many disorders are misunderstood and stigmatized.

What really scares me is not being in control of my emotions and reactions.  I never know when I'll be triggered.  It can be something as simple as an appliance breaking, to having to deal with people I don't know, that tips me over into extreme suicidal ideations.  What happened to me on the 4 August was a result of an email from my energy provider (I won't bore you with the details). My emotions can go from 0 to 100 within minutes. I used to ring my sister for support when this happened but she stopped taking my calls altogether.  Now I ring Lifeline Crisis for support and they can usually calm me down.

Anyway, it's comforting to know we can vent safely on this forum without people 'eye rolling' us.  Thanks for listening.  I'm still learning how to express myself as my mind has a tendency to shut down.

R 🌻

[LovelyBones88]

I'm on the same boat... No matter what happens (good things) any time of the day, my mood swings are hard to control... Then to have a thinking of catastrophicing and having black or white thinking doesn't help too .. then there's the voices and nagging urge to SH and/or end my life makes me feel so anxious almost all day... Then the cherry on top is then I get treated like crap from people who suppose to help and support me isn't doing their job with compassion and empathy to a point that I feel I'm being punished for something I have no control of... So what do everyone wants me to do? Should I continue asking for help and hope it works or Should I just relieve everyone of my troubles by putting the end into my story? I honestly don't know what to do...

[Jynx]

@LovelyBones88 definitely keep asking for help!! I truly am sorry that you have had such a rough time of it seeking support - it really is hard when it feels like a punishment or a personal attack hey!!

Thing is, there are definitely good supports out there. It is largely just a matter of finding the right ones for you!

Have you looked into DBT at all? It's like, the number one go-to for BPD. You can check out BPD Foundation for some further resources and maybe get in touch with them to find some DBT groups running in your region?

It can be agonising having to sift through everything, trying to find something that actually provides what we're needing. But keep searching hun, because when things do shift, it's the best feeling ever.