1... 2... 3...BPD and counting

[LovelyBones88]

TW: SI

I have suffered long and hard from multiple illness(both physical and Mental). I am and have been struggling to fight these voices and those nagging thoughts to finally let go of my life so that a new and better one comes... Who wouldn't give up your life just so a better life comes into this world... By doing this, I get to be free from the pain and suffering I'm in... Me dying is me giving everyone that final relief from me for eternity... The world will be better and everyone can move forward... So I am having a bad day and I don't know what, who or where I can go to for help and not making the situation worse...

[tyme]

Hey @LovelyBones88 ,

Welcome to the forums. Thank you for connecting with the community.

I hear how hard things are for you right now. 

Do you have any supports?

[LovelyBones88]

On weekdays, I do have Support workers that checks in... But on weekends I barely have any if not no support from anyone besides the crisis lines and forums like this... 

I have done all I can, followed everything that everyone has suggested me to do and yet I keep falling back into this kind of cycle...

Im really tired of feeling like this and it feels like it won't change so why wait for something that's not gonna come? Why do I torture myself every day? I'm just lost, scared and confused with how this whole thing... 

[tyme]

Hey @LovelyBones88 ,

I'm hearing your hurt and pain. 

When you mentioned BPD, are you referring to borderline personality disorder?

[MJG017]

Hi @LovelyBones88, welcome to the forum.

I wish I had some answers for you, I can see how much pain you are in.  We're here to listen and help support, especially on the weekends without access to the support workers.  It's very good that you are using the crisis lines so I can only suggest to keep doing that when you having those very bad days.  Hopefully some better ones are coming.

[LovelyBones88]

Yes... It's the mosts misunderstood mental health disorder... Most health professionals has this idea that people with BPD are just seeking attention, which is wrong... These very people has treated me really poorly that whenever I present to the ED i either get frustrated and then them reacting so aggressive to me or I just ignore me... They don't seem to understand that BPD is being chronically feeling emotionally unstable. No one understands this aside from people who suffers from it. I really wish I had something that's treatable than this... 

[Ru-bee]

Hey @LovelyBones88 I hear how isolating and helpless it feels to be misunderstood like this.

I'm so sorry that you've had people invalidate you in that way when you're seeking help by treating you as if you were 'attention seeking'. That's an awful thing to do when someone comes to you for support.

I know that BPD can be challenging to treat and that it does have a lot of misunderstanding around it, but I know from reading other's experiences here that with the right treatment and support it can get better and more manageable. I don't have lived experience myself so I'll leave this thread here so that you can hear from others who have: Raising Awareness of BPD - Flipping the Script - SANE Forums

[LovelyBones88]

No one understands what we (BPD sufferer) goes through every waking day... The constant SH and Suicidal thoughts and urges, the never ending pain and suffering that we go through, the stigma around BPD patients by those who suppose to help us, being mistreated by them too... It's not easy living the way we (BPD sufferer s and just mental health in general) and yet the health care system isn't equity to care for people like us. So where do we turn to in times of need? That's most of us just opt for the easy way out by doing things to end our lives... Atleast that's what my thinking is going right now...

[Jynx]

Hey @LovelyBones88 I'm really sorry to hear you're feeling so thoroughly overwhelmed by how your BPD is affecting you. I promise you that you will find nothing but compassion and understanding here.

I am hearing that things have gotten so intense that you're sitting with thoughts of suicide. Can I just check in with you, and ask if you're concerned about acting on those thoughts tonight?

I will also tag our wonderful @BPDSurvivor who I can imagine has been where you are. I don't have BPD myself but a few very close people in my life do, and I see how completely devastating it can be.

I know we don't know each other, but if you would like them, I am sending you some very warm and caring virtual cuddles 🫂😉

[rav3n]

I'm so sorry to hear that you've had such heavy feelings and thoughts that you've been carrying around for a while @LovelyBones88 it must be exhausting and overwhelming to constantly deal with that. We're so glad to see you reach out on our forums and find support here - you are not alone and you deserve to feel seen and heard. 💗

please do reach out for support if you're having those thoughts, here are some services: 

Lifeline 13 11 14 https://www.lifeline.org.au/ 
Lifeline Text Support 0477 131 114 https://www.lifeline.org.au/crisis-text/ 
Suicide Call Back Service 1300 659 467 
https://www.suicidecallbackservice.org.au/ 
If feeling unsafe, please contact 000

I know that it can be hard after being mistreated to reach out again, sometimes its a bit of a hit or miss with support services, but once you do find someone who gets you - it is sooo worth the trial and error (but i do wish we didn't need the trial and error process either). We can brainstorm some other support options as well. Your feelings, your thoughts, you as a whole - you are important and worthy and deserving of a fulfilling life. 

Just wanted to check and see if you're safe right now?