I'm so sorry to hear that you've had such heavy feelings and thoughts that you've been carrying around for a while @LovelyBones88 it must be exhausting and overwhelming to constantly deal with that. We're so glad to see you reach out on our forums and find support here - you are not alone and you deserve to feel seen and heard. 💗

please do reach out for support if you're having those thoughts, here are some services: 

Lifeline 13 11 14 https://www.lifeline.org.au/ 
Lifeline Text Support 0477 131 114 https://www.lifeline.org.au/crisis-text/ 
Suicide Call Back Service 1300 659 467 
https://www.suicidecallbackservice.org.au/ 
If feeling unsafe, please contact 000

I know that it can be hard after being mistreated to reach out again, sometimes its a bit of a hit or miss with support services, but once you do find someone who gets you - it is sooo worth the trial and error (but i do wish we didn't need the trial and error process either). We can brainstorm some other support options as well. Your feelings, your thoughts, you as a whole - you are important and worthy and deserving of a fulfilling life. 

Just wanted to check and see if you're safe right now?