Lived Experience Forum

[BlueBay]

Yes @pip it was childhood sexual abuse. Three different guys when I was 9-12 yrs old. One neighbour and 2 family members. I hate them all. I wish I could really hurt them. And I'm so disgusted and angry at my mums behaviour towards me. I kept this secret for 30 yrs and then it came out. I've been hurt so much and still her. My mum should have supported and loved me but she didn't. <br>Sinetimes I feel so angry like now that I could scream and I always think self harm would "show them" how I am. They don't care about me. Well I don't care anymore. It hurts too much. <br>Thanks for your support. Yeah previous therapists didn't have experience in sexual abuse. Hoping things change. Thanks for your support. <br>Childhood sexual abuse has to be the hardest and difficult trauma to heal. Do you ever heal?

[pip]

Hi @BlueBay I really feel your pain and self hate so much. I'm not taking sides here, but perhaps your mum was totally out of her depth with the hurt and anger you felt. I agree your mum should've supported you, I felt the same toward my mother. I too hated my mother and blamed her for allowing to happen. Oh sadgirl you do care, very much. You will heal when you start letting go of all the anger and hate you have bottled up for so long. Sexual abuse is a lot worse than the trauma faced by home break-in as sexual abuse is violation. Home break-in is violation - yes, but things can be replaced. Our faith in people takes longer when the abuse is not dealt with. I believe your parents do care, but lack of understanding and not knowing how to deal with what happened makes it harder. When our baby's are hurt, us mums want to hurt the person who hurt them, back. The best way to hurt these people who tried to destroy you would be to one day, see them, smile at them and walk away. The knowledge that you survived would hurt them more. When someone violates us as you were violated, it gives the violator such a euphoric sense of power they actually believe themselves to be superior. Each time they see you and watch you cringe their sense of power is heightened. To knock them off their perches, the best thing to do is smile, ignore them, show them you're 100% better, because you have self-respect, they don't. I am able to do this as I healed through counselling and letting go of destructive anger. I too hated what happened, don't self hate. Let your hate be constructive, get it out. Getting rid of the hate will take as long as necessary. Don't be scared to say 'I hate you for taking my childhood'. Repeat it often till you feel the hate start to leave. As I said earlier, bash your pillow, your bed, anything that won't hurt you. Keep bashing till the anger starts to subside, take your time. Don't listen to someone telling you, hanging onto your pain means your abuser has won. There are no winner nor losers. there are victims and abusers. Trust your counsellor, if he/she says something to hurt you, tell them. Be honest. Cry often, tears help with healing.

[BlueBay]

Thank you so much @pip.

I do understand what you're saying about my parents even though it still damn hurts.

I feel I still have so much pent up anger over this whole thing that really no therapist has ever asked me to let it all out, or challenged me to the point where I get so damn angry.

I guess I do care otherwise I wouldn't be here anymore.  I don't know what else to say at the moment, woke up this morning and then started to cry, why?? i have no idea.

thank you for your support. xxxooo

[pip]

Hey @BlueBay. The tears are for the anger, frustration, hurt, violation everything you've had to suppress all your life. Depression is very real and when depression takes over, your thought patterns become mixed up and you lash out at whoever is there. It can be your spouse/partner, child, next door neighbor for asking how you are (choosing the wrong time to ask) they don't know that, you do, but don't know or understand why. You sound as though you have been in an emotional tug of war, wanting to heal, not knowing how to and having to suppress and possibly being told to 'snap out of it'. I care and so do you. It's possible you're also angry because you want to believe you don't care, but you do and you're trying to deny this. My ex MIL would often become angry (through depression) and remark 'I don't care'. This is a form of denial that rather than admit she did care, saying she didn't, made her believe it stopped the hurt. It doesn't, but often denying is easier than admitting. Admitting to depression is often seen as a sign of weakness to the uneducated. Be kind to yourself and learn to love yourself.

[BlueBay]

@pip

tears are flowing

head so mixed up with so many different emotions

i just need to feel loved and cared

i just want all this pain to stop now. can't deal with all the tears, the emotions. it looks too scary

and i am too scared to ring my psychiatrist because he told me last week that i am phoning too often.  what the hell are they there for?? aren't they meant to help when in crisis? I rang three times because i had to stop my meds (gp told me to stop beaue of side effects). so now if i call he will get angry with me because i have called again.

why do i pay so much and i can't even speak to him when i am so down.  it feels like i have been kicked to the ground yet again.  

i am sorry @pip 

[pip]

hey @BlueBay. Never apologize for being 'you'. Please call Lifeline, Beyond Blue or even the SANE helpline. Focus on your computer, deep, slow breaths. Type Lifeline, follow the prompts for their 24/7 helpline. If no response, due to overload on their end, call Beyond Blue. These services are there for you, they will offer guidance, support. SANE will also offer guidance and support. BB may be able point you in the direction of an online counsellor who will listen. They have trained counsellors in all fields who can give you coping strategies. I have to go to work, but I am thinking of you. I will be online later today, hope to hear from you. Love you, sweetheart.

[Change123]

@BlueBay

Looks like we have way too much in common 😞

My main abuser (father) is dead now, sometimes my partner says I should go to his grave and just abuse him to get it out as I never really stood up to him when he was alive - I was terrified of him and so was everyone else.  I can still see his evil looking eyes when I close my eyes and it gets my blood boiling.  Apart from the the real crappy stuff which I wont go into on the forum (dont want to trigger anyone) you know at the age of 8 approx he actually pretended to have a heart attack so he could see how I would responsd???  Is that really fuck@@ up or what!   But the other abusers my mother and sister they dont even get it that they have taken part in it and they dont care either.

I feel your pain exactly it hurts to know that they are your mother and family and dont even care to contact their own flesh and blood.  For me thats the worst, I dont want anything to do with them and I know I'm better off but I still crave A REAL FAMILY that I didnt have. It doesnt help when society portrays normal life as the brady bunch and makes you feel even more screwed up when in reality you start finding out that this sort of family doesnt exist.

I dont know what I would do if I ran into my family now, I think I would take the cowards way out and run!  Mainly because I dont want to be triggered, I dont want the arguments anymore plus I dont know why but around them I used to revert to a child like state and just let them boss me around etc.  I often wonder how I would react if my mother died, part of me would be sad because no resolution and again I missed out on having the mother I never had and the other half would be like a massive weight has lifted.

Just remember you are not at fault - just because their your family doesnt make what they did ok infact it makes it worse in my eyes as they are supposed to protect and keep you safe.  You cant change who they are and somehow we have to make peace with ourselves to accept that they will never understand or care.

You are not alone @BlueBay right now I'm thinking of you! 🙂

[pip]

hey @ guys. My dad was so narcissistic it would've been funny if it weren't so pathetic. I recently did a 'stint' on jury service. At the beginning I could 'hear' my father sneering, putting me down, telling me I was stupid, brain dead etc. All these comments followed me everywhere I went, for years. Each morning before leaving to attend the court I would take some time alone, and tell my father forcefully to f*** off. He couldn't hear me, but it helped me release his hold. It also gave me back my power over me. Closure helps when it happens, but when there is no closure, we have to find other ways of taking back our power so we control ourselves. sadgirl and Change 123, and any other victims, none of us need feel alone or isolated anymore. C.123, you are right to say you can't change who they are, we can't change what happened. Making peace with ourselves is learning to forgive those who hurt and betrayed us (extremely hard, but do-able)and loving ourselves. sadgirl, C.123, we (you, me, us) we are lovable, worthwhile people. Don't let hate and anger rule your life.

[BlueBay]

Hi @pip @Change123

Thank you so much for your support.  I am stuck for words, i just don't know what to say except thank you

I feel so low at the moment, I need to be on my own for a while.  Sitting in the lounge room on my own.

Sending you both hugs and love xxxooo

[Lostboy]

I think this, dissociation, is what I call how much one has to hurt to stop feeling, but then it hurts not to feel, and to feel it's not real, I don't know how to stop it.