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Casual Contributor

Getting back on track

Hello
I am a narcissist survivor. Spent too many years with someone who wiped my identity. Spent several years after this dealing with parental alienation. My eldest child was gone to me for almost five years until she landed on my doorstep. I've spent a long time rebuilding myself and my finances. I have three kids, all from the narc, the eldest at 16 while finally in my care had to go through a paternity court case just to prove this. Needless to say, I've had some hard yards and have built some very strong defence mechanisms. I have to my own disadvantage poured myself into my work which is very well paid but causing me physical harm in terms of stress. I've come so far. ... but ... I feel lonely and almost bitter at times. My success has come at a loss. I'm 40, single and successful (not without problems). I feel lost ... I have so many stresses but nobody to kick me back into reality. My kids are 17, 14 and 12. I don't get anytime to myself and I work too much. ... How do you reintegrate yourself into society when you don't have anytime? 

5 REPLIES 5
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Re: Getting back on track

Hi @NarcSurvivor 

Hello there and welcome to the SANE forums, we are so glad you found us and have joined our wonderful community. I'm sure the forum members will be able to offer you support, information and connection.

I'm the moderator on duty right now.   Feel free to ask the SANE forum team or the members if you need help with how to use the forum. You might like to check out the Guidelines as they can be pretty useful in understanding how it all works  https://saneforums.org/t5/help/faqpage#community-guidelines

Take care.

Whitehawk

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Re: Getting back on track

Hey @NarcSurvivor ,

 

Welcome to the forums.

 

I can hear your frustration and upset at things that have happened.

 

If anything, out of this COVID situation I have learnt to slow down. I used to always say I didn't have time for things, and have now learnt it is about making time for things that matter.

 

I have seen people married to their work. Work has its place. I think it is about setting clear boundaries between work and home. I have also spoken topeople who are highly stressed because of their work. Ultimately, as much as a job say they 'need' you, as far as I am concerned, the very moment you go, they will find somebody else. 

Work to live. NOT live to work.

 

BPDSurvivor

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Re: Getting back on track

Hey @NarcSurvivor It really is about finding a balance. I too was much like you - work was my life and it consumed me 24/7 until I got very sick and the massive crash came. As a result I was off work for over 2 years. Going back to work eventually meant a lot of change. It wasn't just a mental change or change of attitude to work, I had to set priorities for my health and well being also. It is not an easy change to make but seeing work as 'everything' places extra stress on us also when things there are not ideal. Making time for yourself and enjoying even the simple things in life helped me. It is not possible for me to leave work at work as I am a teacher and there is so much extra work that needs to be done outside of actual work times but I have gotten better at setting limits on what I can actually achieve and giving myself time to just be. I also do not take on any extra responsibilities as I once did and that has come about from setting my own boundaries and also knowing what I can achieve reaslistically whilst still having a life outside of work ...that part I am still working on.

 

It really is a whole of lifestyle change that often needs to happen though and that is not easy. Start by setting small achievable goals. It may be a walk every day or listening to music to relax once you get home. Having 3 kids would no doubt make time for yourself harder but it is still important you find that time. Maybe set aside half an hour a night that is just for you and then build that up gradually. Your kids can occupy themselves for a time whilst you look after you - and the more you do that the more they will get used to it also.

 

Being successful in our work does not mean a lot if we are not happy in our lives and we are the only ones that can change that. Life is about more than what we do - it is about who we are and you have certainly had enough to contend with yet still keep pushing forward so now it is time to find yourself again. I do know that is not easy either but getting through what you have, fully functioning in your work and bringing up your kids show your strength. Channel some of that strength into other aspects of your life and feel the increasing confidence develop as you do. It really is baby steps but they all count.

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Re: Getting back on track

Tings so true. Thank you. Xo
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Re: Getting back on track

Brought me the tears with the truth. It’s so simple. And yet it isn’t. Appreciate your words more than you can imagine. You take care.
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