Lived Experience Forum

[Bellarose75]

It's funny though I have been here before I stare at the screen and really don't know where to start. I thought I had hit rock bottom a few times, but it was just uneven ground. I hit rock bottom over the last two weeks and have slipped into a crack. I stare up and I can see my life, my family and friends, my choices and the choices of others who seek to hurt us is some way and it a very bleak world up there. I have promised us that we will be responsible for our thoughts and our actions and start earnestly moving forward, but it scares the hell out of us.

I am a married mother with 4 adult children and one beautiful preteen granddaughter. All of the children have their own mental health issues and struggle with everyday life and the preteen has more sass in her than is good for her. We have 2 child alters or littles and a total of 5 adult alters that we are aware of or connected with, unfortunately they have decided to that a 16 year old drunk is the best alter to be present at the moment. I am sober now as there is an acohol ban in place (NOT HAPPY JAN) 

[Appleblossom]

Hello @Bellarose75 

I dont know much about your circumstances, but a thought came from your post.  What if you can take something from the 16 year old in you, and use it to teach the sassy pre teen.... in a wholesome manner,  the good the bad and the ugly of the sass and teen cultures, also tied to the wise older grandmother that is also you.

[Emelia8]

Hello @Bellarose75  and a big welcome to you 😊💞🤗🌸

Em 

[Bellarose75]

Hello @Appleblossom , that is something we have never thought of amd is definitely worth a try. Thank you. 

Em, we really love those butterflies thank you. 
❤️🐶 @Emelia8 

[Former-Member]

@Bellarose75 ,

It sucks when we think we've hit rock bottom only to fall even further. Moving forward can come across as scary but once you start moving forward don't stop no matter how impossible it seems to get out of a hole there is always a way out. Just remember the easy way is not always the right way.

Our system is a bit larger than yours with 14 littles (under 10), 11 middles ( 11- 17) , 6 bigs (18+) and host. Hosts late teens she did not front for 2 years the main fronter was 12 during those years. 

 Host is mother of an 8 yr old and we have lots of nieces and nephews. 

As for granddaughter does she know about you conditions maybe connecting with her on a teen level will help you connect with her on a whole.

Sapphire 

[Bellarose75]

Hi Sapphire, 11 littles omg how do you do that!!! I struggle with the two we have, sometimes I wish we where not connected.  Your system is definitely big, I know that our system is in a constant state of change. I have been told it's because there is still a lot or unresolved trauma. Our psychologist has stated that she thinks we have only scratched the surface. That prospect scares the hell out of me as we have dealt with so much trauma already and I am not sure we can survive more. 

I have been struggling lately with wondering if our parents knew what was happening, did they notice the early disassociation, did i appear to be ok!! Question I would never ask my dad and as for my bio mum she would lie anyways and my step mom, I am to scared to ask. 

No my granddaughter doesn't know because of a discussion with hubby, Izzy (host) and daughter (she is our stepdaughter) we all decided that it was best because her other grandmother is difficult and causes issues for us as a family any chance she gets amd we decided she didn't need that much amo. But I still think that maybe having another talk would be a good idea as I have not been able to see my granddaughter for over a year now because we switch a lot. 

Hoping you all have an ok night. 

Kim

@Former-Member 

[Bellarose75]

Hey @Emelia8 , how are you doing tonight lovely? 
Just wanted to thank you for your post the other night offering support, it was very much need but I lost the ability to put a sentence together. Have you heard from Lee at all?

[Emelia8]

I'm okay thanks @Bellarose75 😄💕👍

And no, I havent seen or heard from @Lee82 for a few days  😔

Emelia 💞

[Former-Member]

@Bellarose75 ,

Littles and middles are for the most part pretty chill. I think only Kelly, Sarah, Strudel, CC and Tessa are the only littles out of 14 who actually front though I could be wrong. Between Minecraft, Disney+ and a 3ds our littles are easy to occupy and often don stay out long especially Kelly as it's draining on them. The middles are the hard ones it's were the bulk of our fictives/shifters/empaths are. 

Since moving rural I've found it difficult to find a therapist but even at almost thirty I still have a lot of unresolved trauma 

[Former-Member]

@Bellarose75 Sorry if my post is kinda muddled switched part way through it's harmony now