Trying makes it worse

[EternalFlower]

hi @Dimity it was my support coordinators son sadly - 

so i think its a bit compromising because her role is to find the right person for teh job

her son might be the right person for the job - but he really wasn't - i am a bit too extreme in that for me it's enough to write the coordinator off entirely but my friend says not quite yet - so ... deep breaths

i understand your need to take a breath before finding support workers - i know sometimes it can feel like pressure to get the right person but i wish i'd waited more myself

[Dimity]

That's very understandable @EternalFlower . Last year my second helper was personally recommended by the first but let me down in several ways.

[tonys]

I'm going to tell you something @EternalFlower .  Your a very complex individual and a simple mind like mind  does at times struggle to get an angle on you. . . .

But. . .  I'm also envious of you.   Now I know you will find this confusing but  your unique, unpredictable 

mind  is what some artists  would give anything to have.    Its a resource  you have that  is yet to be 

sourced.   I know I've said this many times to you,   but  my one wish for you is that you pick up a 

paint brush  or a pen and just. . .  let it all out.

I'm sorry that this is the only advice I have for today and I hope one day you will see what I have 

seen glimpses of..   Remember  " 10 old TVs  and non of them work"   I will forever wonder about the 

rest of your story..

Well my friend,  Guess what.   I picked a heap of tiny little wild cherry tomatoes out of the garden.

Put em on a oiled tray.   Lots of salt in basil.  Then reduced all the moisture out of them in the oven.

Then Flowers,  I finely chopped some hot chorizo salami and mixed the whole lot through

my penne pasta.  Bit of wilted spinach,   shaved  parmesan cheese on top.    And I thought of you while I was messing up the kitchen.   Mate you got me 

back into pasta again.    I ate my finger down to my elbows,  it was so nice.   Those wild tomatoes

so  sweet and rich. 

So ..  I'm hoping for some steam from your kitchen.   What are we cooking tomorrow my friend.

Eternal..    please be kind to yourself mate.        In my thoughts always...                   tonys..

[Appleblossom]

Hey @tonys @Oaktree @tyme 

@EternalFlower @@@@Glad you found friends close by.

Hearing you about spt co-ordinator’s conflict of interest. Some people do not even realise … it’s a bit unethical. Yep @Dimity @is right. It’s hard to find good people. Gelling with people in ones home…hmmmm. Been through a bit with these so called services 

We had an incident here on Thursday where cleaner was aggressive about Netherlands policy on refugees. Challenging me! I only visited there once for a month 40 years ago. Was just being friendly about coffee. I became upset and started talking about all the bombers near my mother’s family, the trauma and premature deaths. Let it go and they finished shift.  I am so overly compliant and wanting to please.  Learning to say no, not good enough. Talked with son and I cancelled them. Feel bad for the man’s wife but honestly. Cos all my privacy was damaged as a child I can be too open. I am learning at last to say. No thank you… and insisting. Not being bullied into accepting or forgiving anymore. Been too forgiving. He gave off an agro vibe generally and lied about the time he arrived and always claimed extra time 10 15 mins here and there… times 2 cos they were a couple. I gently had called it out a few times. I am so sick of being used as a cash cow. If people are getting paid to do a job they should do it properly.

Anyway that’s over. See what’s next on the slippery slope of life.

take care Bella

[EternalFlower]

hi @Appleblossom if i may vent i have been thinking a lot about the idea of whistleblowers or even standing up to someone doing a not so good job - in mh

ive spoken up at times and it has been helpful for me - but it is hard to do. but truthful words are powerful and i think they are heard somewhere... its been important for me to see that i have a voice

my support coordinator isn't very good - i liked her and now I don't - so I do it all by myself - i'm in a hospital atm - its a different one, i'm okay, i don't need to be here, i'm not in crises exactly, but oddly i got in weeks ago and the papers got lost or something i dont know everything came up at different times - i was offered a  bed weeks after needing it

my gp suggested to take the bed, i didn't want to, but i'm here and its okay

[Appleblossom]

@EternalFlower 

Glad you’re surviving even though you are in hospital.

Decisions; stuff that comes up…we roll with it the best way we can.

I am glad you found speaking up a beneficial thing to do. I am still wary but learning to do it more.

Had all good encounters today.  Life morphs and shifts.

You will know when it’s time to move on.  I used to figure if they are actually doing the job then stay with them… even if it doesn’t feel right. These days I am listening to my feelings more.

take care

Apple

[EternalFlower]

Hi !

Hope the weekend is easy or smooth for my family here @tonys @Oaktree @Appleblossom @Oaktree @tyme 

I'm doing well, I discharged from hospital after 25 hours....it wasn't nice there so I left.

I met a nice girl and I feel bad I didn't say goodbye or exchange numbers....it usually isn't the best idea but lately I feel open to it. I left pretty quickly, made the decision and then in about an hour, packed up my things, and the nurse helped me carry them out.

.in private wards, I am sometimes feeling less safe than public.

I wander why that is.

I tried to explain it to the nurses, who were mostly from the UK and dint understand the system at all

Public they can say terrible things to y with a lot of power but u can also fight back, being kts a government organisation, someone is watching 

Private being businesses, there's a culture, I think they can work well though if ur I the right space mentally and open. 

They are just places though where u can't always be vulnerable and u night not fit in or get attention from the staff and they don't really have consequences for that. It's a business not a service. If u don't like it...Ur only choice is to leave. But I guess then u vote with ur feet and all u can do is choose elsewhere.

I didn't attend any classes or eat the food I just stayed in my room and made it a huge mess of clothes and objects and didn't really get settled.

[Oaktree]

@EternalFlower 

Sounds like you were at all 6’s and 7´s at the hospital. Sorry you didn’t really get settled and feel safe there. It’s probably a good thing not to exchange numbers there so don’t feel bad. Everyone is unwell and that doesn’t usually work out well I hope that you feel better at home. Please try and eat something and look after yourself a bit. Maybe do something nice. Thinking of you x

[outlander]

sending love @EternalFlower

[tonys]

'Made a huge mess of objects  and clothes and didn't get settled'... Un quote.       @EternalFlower ..

I should be concerned for you but in some twist of fate,  we some how view the world the same on rare

occasions.   This being one of them.

We drift from a type of reality as seen through the eyes of  those  deemed to be normal,    to a detached  view of  of time,  our relationship to others and the importance of the physical world and 

objects we need,  within. .   An abandonment of all responsibility   to everything.   Total  Free fall ..

and   I love it...

In a safe environment you can be without  gravity.   At home or on the street,   your at risk perhaps.

I like that you can see the onset of your many changing states of mind  and responsibly place 

your  vessel   where your mind cant injure it.     Our minds dance us through life.  We hope that time,   treatment,  understanding and love will temper us to a peaceful waltz.   Till then ...   we 

gratefully dance anyway we can,   trampling the toes of tolerance,  and accepting  our falls..

I will never understand the nature of things,   and people.     I just. . .   go with it..

I think you do to,      without even realizing how well you do it..

Thinking of you @EternalFlower ..

Hey @Appleblossom .   Did the clouds open up a bit mate.   Hope your OK       tonys.

@Oaktree    @Dimity    Hope you are all well into your first peaceful dream..

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