Trigger Warning: self harm, abuse, suicide and possible others
*Fair warning this may be all over the place and hard to follow*
****Content warning**** self harm, abuse, suicide and possible others
Hi.........I am new here and have no idea what I am doing or the correct place to post this...ahh well......a little about me I guess, I am female 35 been dealing with chronic mental health from a very young age.. I don't really know what else, but please don't be afraid to ask me. Ok I guess here goes nothing.
I am struggling with some pretty intense and heavy emotions and they are getting incredibly more difficult to sit with. My life has changes drastically in the last 8-10 months, I am no longer working in the mental health sector, I have had a crisis hospital admission, Hospital in The Home and two 28 days stays for mental health. For context I have been doing well for about 6 years with no contact with public mental health services just my GP and private psychologist.
From that admission it was assessed that I was in a Complex Post Traumatic Stress episode. Now I have extensive history with services from my hear youth till about 25ish, and it was never mention to me nor did I hear it about myself until this year. The week before my admission my therapist and gp and both written that I was experiencing PTSD episode in a support letter, again had never hear this for myself (I knew if that makes sense but guess didnt feel real).
So this is something I am struggling with immensely. It has made some very hard realisation come to light and things that hurt a lot. I was so use to telling myself for so long that it wasn't that bad and that I was over exaggerating. But this is like physical concert evidence that it wasn't. My therapist even said something she probably shouldn't have (her words not mine) in that, she has worked for child protection and my case is the worse she has heard. Its hard to thing that your whole childhood was basically extreme (something I am still learning to say and/or sit with, it does not feel comfortable to me).
Here was me thinking my hospital admission was an over exaggeration............
During my two 28 day stays I had access to a form of trauma therapy known and imagery re-scripting. Both times during my stay I did sessions of this. It is intensive and changes some of your perspectives and beliefs that you have held for life. It has been one of the most powerful things I have every done in therapy. It has mostly been a positive experience however it has caused a lot of grief and hurt in way I never expected to feel it eg- for little me, for what I lost, what I experienced etc.
I can not explain how incredibly lonely this journey has made me feel tho, its like a level I have never experienced before. I feel I can not connect to others but also learning that I have had to navigate most of my life alone without support from family, at times professional support yes but not the same.
I am suffocating in pain, pain that I have blocked out for yeas and new pain that I am not use to. the grief is so heavy that I sometimes just don't even want to carry it anymore.
I feel that I struggle to express myself and my thought go faster than my fingers- plus irl i find it hard to stay on track anways.
I hope it at least makes some sense- be kind with me as I navigate new forum life I will find it hard to know my place when I should day something or when I should not. I am very socially awkward so I assume the same will be here
Hey @fairyheart, welcome to the Forums and thank you for sharing your experiences!
You have been through a lot, and you are demonstrating your resilience and strength by reaching out to your peers here in the community. It takes courage to share what we have been through, and you are very brave in your post. Thank you for being vulnerable with the community!
Please continue to reach out as it can be really helpful in our recovery journey to share our story and the Forums are a safe place with like-minded Members.
@fairyheart Welcome to the forum and you make perfect sense. You have described your experience so eloquently, that it feels like I was there with you.
I really admire you, because your truth has made parts of my experience easier to understand.
It is a lonely journey unless someone has been through it, they have no idea.
From my experience family are the least likely to understand.
I know that emotional pain and you just want it to stop. Like the story Going on a Bear Hunt. You can’t go around it, can’t go over it, can’t go under it, you have to go through it.
Suppressed memories that come back at you from nowhere.
Grief and hurt for what "little you" experienced is very understandable especially after disregarding or suppressing what happened for so long. Do you have ongoing help and support for this?
Don't despair for your career, you may well go back to it. Give yourself time to heal and grow.
I've been going through EMDR for childhood trauma but have to have a break to deal with medical issues and I don't know if I'll be able to go back to it. It's been very intense and unsettling and yes - confronting.
Have you seen the Rabbit and Bear scenarios by Tara Shannon? The older wiser self can sometimes comfort and reassure the vulnerable younger self.
@RiverSeal@Glisten and @Dimity I appreciate the replies- I kind of posted this yesterday and then bailed with anxiety.
RiverSeal- Thank you for your kind words and welcome to the forum
Glisten- I am sorry that understand this experience as it is not a pleasant one. But I am glad that you were able to connect with the way it was written.
It absolutely is not fair, but not much is in this world. I will keep pushing through it and addressing the new as it comes up.
Dimity- I do have ongoing support I am back to being supported by my therapist and gp again- I am super luck to have very good supports in them.
Its funny, its not just little me that is feeling it- its all stages of me. Its just such a hard process as adult me to sit with.
I think I will be going back to that area of work eventually, I just need to make sure I am more steady before I look at that line of work again.
Sorry to hear that your health has impacted you treatment for mental health as well. I hope that you have some supports in place to help managed both challenges. It is definitely a confronting therapy style to say the least.
There is just so much heartbreak, horror, hurt , sadness and suffocation and just feels like I don't have the words to explain how much this is dragging me down.
I have never felt more alone, not that I have been surrounded by people anyways. But its even impacted the few relationships I have as well.
It bazar because those in my treating team and the few friends I have keep telling me how proud they are for the work that I have put in- and I do get it, Having your core beliefs and perspectives changes in such a drastic way its HUGE (as well as incredibly disorientating) . One of the way I can describe it is a few days after the re-scripting session switched got flicked and suddenly I was able to have self love and compassion for things I had been trying to tap into a reach for years.
I am just tired, tired of the big emotions, perspective changes and seeing my life for what it really is, it hurts (+ all the hurt that just happening world wide atm as well)
thanks for taking the time to respond and welcome me. Am I able to just respond here, or can I talk to others on their post?
Hey darling, I know all to well what childhood trauma does to you and the domino effects throughout your adult life with one traumatic event after another and you just can't seem to get ahead and just when you see the light at the end of the tunnel BOOM another event sinks you back further into the darkness.
That self realisation of DAMN I have been through some stuff and the thoughts of how did I even survive it all. Childhood trauma creates a psychological programing to self with self doubt, self sabotage, loss of self worth, loss of self confidence, loss of your self empowerment. The guilt and shame you carry for the things that really aren't yours to hold but you take it all in and you blame yourself for all the terrible things that was done to you as a child and in your adult life.
The loneliness is real, the despair is real, the pain is indescribable and yes it's suffocating and you feel there is no release from it all. How I got through it is going back to my first traumatic event in my childhood and recognising it for what it is and understand that you did nothing wrong and find acceptance to the harsh reality of what happened and realise it was not caused by you and through acceptance of understanding of the fact that you are able to let it go and find forgiveness for your self and give forgiveness to the young child inside of you who is scared and confused and hurt you forgive with an open heart.
Once you have self preservation you are able to understand how the domino effects has happened through your adult life and acceptance of your past and present. Then you are able to move forward with a new mindset and you are able to give back to yourself through self love and self care. Life will slowly get better I assure you it will get better. Just don't give up yourself ok, your will have a brighter future better then you could ever imagine I promise you that.
Have read both of your posts a number of times and what you said makes so much sense. It is a very lonely illness, very much unseen, with a physical injury people can see your pain, with a mental injury, you don't get the same level of understanding. Have been reading a bit about rescripting, I hope it goes some way in helping you to deal with what has occurred. Hope you have a loving support network around you, you feel like a very gentle spirit and I do so hope everything works out for you........Asgard
@QueenB81 I am sorry to hear that you understand the dance well and just how much it can hurt. The work that I am doing at the moment is about allowing the inner child out and learning how to reparent myself in away that should have always been demonstrated.
@Asgard The rescripting has already done amazing things for what I have experiences and dealt with but does not mean there is still not a lot of work to do.
Today I am just feeling so defeated and not entirely sure why is my responsibly to heal from this anyways- maybe I am just frustrated among a billion other emotions. Thankfully its therapy week this week. Since this episode its the first time we have pushed the session out to fortnightly.
Everything hurts, mind, body, soul and part of me that I didn't even know existed.
I just keep repeating the same things over and over about how hurt and sad I am.
everything is tired.
I feel like I cant find my feet on the forums and withhold from responding to others- I know I will find my feet eventually (hopefully).
I love how you respond to each person, explaining how what you are doing impacts on your feelings. In the same way, you sound so very very tired, is there anyway you can have a few days off just to spend on doing things for yourself. My treat is Ben & Jerry's when I decide that I deserve to be treated. Thinking of you........Asgard
