@fairyheart Welcome to the forum and you make perfect sense. You have described your experience so eloquently, that it feels like I was there with you.

I really admire you, because your truth has made parts of my experience easier to understand.

It is a lonely journey unless someone has been through it, they have no idea.

From my experience family are the least likely to understand.

I know that emotional pain and you just want it to stop. 
Like the story Going on a Bear Hunt. You can’t go around it, can’t go over it, can’t go under it, you have to go through it.

Suppressed memories that come back at you from nowhere.

It’s not fair, it’s not ok and you are not alone.

G