@RiverSeal @Glisten and @Dimity I appreciate the replies- I kind of posted this yesterday and then bailed with anxiety.

RiverSeal- Thank you for your kind words and welcome to the forum

Glisten- I am sorry that understand this experience as it is not a pleasant one. But I am glad that you were able to connect with the way it was written. 

It absolutely is not fair, but not much is in this world. I will keep pushing through it and addressing the new as it comes up.

Dimity-  I do have ongoing support I am back to being supported by my therapist and gp again- I am super luck to have very good supports in them. 

Its funny, its not just little me that is feeling it- its all stages of me. Its just such a hard process as adult me to sit with. 

I think I will be going back to that area of work eventually, I just need to make sure I am more steady before I look at that line of work again. 

Sorry to hear that your health has impacted you treatment for mental health as well. I hope that you have some supports in place to help managed both challenges. It is definitely a confronting therapy style to say the least.

There is just so much heartbreak, horror, hurt , sadness and suffocation and just feels like I don't have the words to explain how much this is dragging me down. 

I have never felt more alone, not that I have been surrounded by people anyways. But its even impacted the few relationships I have as well. 

It bazar because those in my treating team and the few friends I have keep telling me how proud they are for the work that I have put in- and I do get it, Having your core beliefs and perspectives changes in such a drastic way its HUGE (as well as incredibly disorientating) . One of the way I can describe it is a few days after the re-scripting session  switched got flicked and suddenly I was able to have self love and compassion for things I had been trying to tap into a reach for years. 

I am just tired, tired of the big emotions, perspective changes and seeing my life for what it really is, it hurts (+ all the hurt that just happening world wide atm as well)

thanks for taking the time to respond and welcome me. Am I able to just respond here, or can I talk to others on their post?