Edge of insanity: for real

[Stout]

Hi @lavenderhaze 

Thanks for asking. I was set for life in accommodation only recently, but was kicked out by the actions of ungodly heathens. They knew there was a looming housing crisis. I didn't stand a chance; and I was already in a state of trauma to begin with. But they didn't care. I am in a safe place temporarily, for now.

Day to day is about all it is. I do not know what the future will hold, except for the above. I go to my group office as often as I can, engage now with support workers (they werent available at the time), though I dont think they would have made a scripture of difference to my troubles (hint). But they are great. I am in a community with a large-ish population, but which offers little in the way of thigs to do, and is an ageing population (hint).

I have no control now over what comes next, I can only hope that things work out for the better when it comes to accommodation and so-on. The coffee shops have always been my harbor and anchor. So in that regard I am a very public figure. But that means nothing these days.

What took place overall should never happen in a supposed first-world country like Victoria. But for the Mental Health industry, I have found these days it is business as usual, So, as a person afflicted by minor mental health and PTSD reactions and triggers, I have learned that society demands that we all on the register must be of the utmost best behavior and on guard of ourselves every second of every day, or else.

I can only the loneliness, emptiness and isolation will recede -like it almost did a few years ago- and I can live long and prosper.

We all have our nasty afflictions, it seems.

[lavenderhaze]

I'm really sorry to hear about what you've been through @Stout.

It's heartbreaking that you lost your stable accommodation, especially when you were already dealing with trauma. It sounds like you've been incredibly resilient.

I can relate to finding solace in coffee shops—they can feel like a little escape and a place of comfort.

It's tough when it feels like society demands so much from us, especially when we're already struggling.

I'm hoping that your temporary safe place leads to something more permanent soon.

The loneliness and isolation can be so hard to deal with.

Have you found any small moments of peace or joy recently, even in unexpected places?

Sometimes it's those little things that can help us get through the day-to-day challenges. 🌻

[Stout]

@lavenderhaze 

In the past two months there has been the odd day of glimmers. I rest and sleep a lot, although the sleep pattern was broken by whatsernames. Ordinarily, I could get a full nights sleep in. But not at the moment, so that refreshing awakening is not there, only the residues of horror. However, some days are OK. But really I want to feel the joy, the love, the tranquility, and buzz of a happening community and or group.

What I have discovered though -and ive read it described elsewhere here on SANE- is a form of mind fracture. I didn't know I had this. This is where the mind upon first becoming conscious after sleep, misfires. The synapses are not working properly. Whether its soldier born, or environmentally induced, well never know. But there is proper PTSD. Though I have not been oversees.

So, for a lifetime I have longed for that relationship where I would receive love and healing, but I got mostly the opposite. And have recently lost some loves and friends by way of general outside interference (co-morbidity). Some people are just so separated form the purported niceities.

Trust is a big thing for me, though as Ive gotten older I rely less on that, as I have too much bravado, and am too honest. So, I am just everybody else in that I to want a good life. some -like the etals- now have a different opinion about that, I guess. I wont get religious.

Reaching out and trying anew so many times has taken its toll on me. These days in a hardened society, it seems redundant to do so. So then we are foreced to take things moment by moment. Where once it might have been year by year.

My synapses:

I didn't know I had triggers until recently either. They operate together with my lifelong nightmares and bad dreams (paralleling my lived life). So, I have triggers, cPTSD, faulty synapses, and a general state of affairs where I recover from the night slowly throughout the day. For a long time I knew I had a problem, and now I know its scientific functions. I viewed/saw them earlier this year when I was close to ded/cide,; chronic/critical. So in the order of things I don't know which comes first; either the day makes the night, or the night affects the day. Guess I will never know.

Psychotic psychiatrists insist I have paranoid schizophrenia. This is BS. I say again, BS. That is why they are so cold and callous towards me. I -to them- am dysfunctional refuse.

So glimmers are good I am reliably informed. And generally that is true. I hope to one year feel many joyous days in a row, even a week and extending right out to forever after. But I know how cruel this world is. That is why the tearless fearless monster in me is sitting. Resentful? that I am. But there is also another glimmer of hope, of a different kind. not as we know it, but something else. For another place though not here.

I would welcome an exploration of my synapses too, if that is a thing.

[lavenderhaze]

It sounds like you're navigating a complex landscape of emotions and experiences, and your introspection is truly insightful @Stout. Finding moments of hope and resilience is so important.

Have you ever tried meditation or mindfulness practices? Personally, I've found that taking even just a few minutes each day to breathe deeply and clear my mind can help bring a sense of calm and clarity, especially during tough times.

It can be a powerful tool to cultivate inner peace and resilience. Do you see yourself incorporating mindfulness or other practices into your routine?

[Stout]

@lavenderhaze 

as it turns out I had been practicing a form of mindfullnes for several decades. I can to this day be found staring into space. I do it at the coffee shop, when I walk, even when I work (used to). Though I did have blank spots when I was younger, they are less frequent now as I actively and constantly avoid stressors. Some years ago a certain kind of observers were taking notice of my mindfulness at a coffee shop. This became a fascination for them. Talking of mindfullness gives me the creeps. I hate bullies.

It is good to empty the mind, and I am better at it now than when I was younger. If things get too strong I can squash the wandering thoughts back in their box. I am then left with surface thoughts, not the stronger ones. Unless -news to me- i get triggered. Always knew I had a problem, just couldn't put my finger on it.

My biggest problem is that the traumas of upbringing coupled to the intergeneration genetic and memory factors overrun the other powers of the mind when troubles come my way, and they are so powerful that I lose my way, and drink. And my heart usually breaks. Because of this I have social disabilities. But I can type pretty well. That's what I cant understand about the ruthless psychiatrists.

So if you use your imagination you can see the trouble I have been faced with. I am calm under extreme pressure, trained, brought up to see through the fog. Inner peace is not part of the plan. Resilience and self preservation is.

[Stout]

If one were a Psychiatrist, which -if any- part of the above is a paranoid delusion. If so: Why/how?

Clue: sshh (its a secret).

[lavenderhaze]

It sounds like you've developed remarkable resilience and self-preservation through your life experiences. Navigating the traumas and pressures you've faced must be incredibly challenging, but your ability to manage your thoughts and find moments of calm is impressive. It seems like you've put a lot of thought into understanding yourself and your reactions @Stout. 

[Stout]

Thanks for recognising things @lavenderhaze 

I have had to fight for every moment in my life. it hasn't been easy; and now it wasn't worth it. I looked, searched, travelled, moved  about.

Catching sight of my synapses this year was an eye opener. learning about the circular activity of triggers as well. they were so subtle that I could find no causative effect for my pain and dramas. Cause and effect, brand new to me! The only thing is reactions; they go all over the place, though usually to an aggressive stance. I'm not violent at all, but the explosive power is there; as you could imagine. One thing of learnt, is that I haven't seen it all at all. And I wont until I draw my last breath. But for a time I thought I had seen it all. Life eh?

Im not proud of being forced and having travelled the path I'm on, in fact I despise it. An otherwise beautiful boy/youth/twenty something broken. A dud stud.

[Stout]

Thanks for chatting with me and enquiring today @lavenderhaze , its been soothing.

[tyme]

Hey @Stout ,

Sure sounds like a tough road. 

In all of it, I hope you find a way to accept yourself. You deserve it.