Thanks for your empathy @lavenderhaze
I’m now out of the conflict zone, the massive bruise my brain received from the State has healed, and I’m just now disposing of its mind echo. I’m almost smiling. The counselling has been great, arduous but welcome, and social workers have all helped me to heal. I would say in the next two weeks or so, I should be back to my normal self.
On trauma and stability. As one progresses through life one becomes familiar with society, its workings, its faults, its attitudes and its repetition. Any society progresses one foot forward and two back. Along time ago, I started to find I was constantly falling victim to RSI. Repeated troubles, repeated re-establishment, repeated bullying repeated resets and grief. For example, and I’m not kidding, you wouldn’t believe the number of times I was subjected to the question: “are you working”. Thousands easily. Then repeated agro and strain at me across the desk or counter of the Anywhere Office. After awhile I began to realise I needed a life plan. This plan was to withdraw, repeatedly. So repeat. This became grievous mindly harm. Then I and the country began to change. And I was able to find things to do that didn’t involve either the state, money or the club. For example a private research project, or pushbiking, or something. Then about a decade ago the Universe inverted this on me and set itself upon me be full bore. The grief and trauma was unimaginable and unavoidable. So alcohol, although a good salve, doesn’t really fix grief and trauma, nor society. But one side tends to frown on alcohol use. So all I could do was withdraw more and more. Now I have almost nothing to do with nothing. A big long rest this year, and stuff the world. Of course this does nothing for one’s socialization skills and community connection. But the tradeoff is less social hassle and life admin, thus less stress and grief. You get used to it, like torture. And there’s always more. The best thing however to find specific ways of how I’ve coped is to avoid anything that gives people an angle on me. To be happy with the simplest of things, like having little to nothing, aka abject poverty. To refrain from FOMO. Finding strength and dignity in abhorrent adversity. My appearance. Writing when I can. Expressing myself whenever the rare opportunity arises. Not being jealous, particularly of beauty. Doing mechanical or electrical stuff. Computers. Or walking the café strip alone, but with dignity. Enough is enough.
I had no choice in the tower of strength I have climbed.
