Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Tim_YPA]

@outlander 'my normal' this really resonates with me. I remember the first person I tried to explain my situation to. It was actually an ex (good life choices right?!) and they were very much completely flabbergasted by it all. But by that point, it was my normal. However, in saying that I always find it helpful to reflect on what I'm doing and how helpful it is. For example, I spent ages (I mean AGES) trying to support my mum with her financial management to nearly no avail. It became my normal to always be reminding her, but it just wasn't working. So, I had to let that part of my caring role go, and focus on others way to support her and to ensure things stay afloat. I think sometimes we can get into the habit of 'hitting our heads against a brick wall' metaphorically speaking because that's what we've always done. But if that's not helping anyone, it's sometimes best to step back a bit. 

[outlander]

@Faith-and-Hope for young carers (and older carers too) they are basically the same which is the Carers allowance and carers payment through Centre link. I think you have to be 16 to get that payment though so im no sure whats offerred to those under 16..

[nashy]

On that note @outlander  The next discussion point may be worth reflecting on

For our final discussion point of the evening! 

It can be really challenging to share your experience with other people, and talk about your role as a carer. How might you discuss life as a carer with others and find support from those in your network as a carer?

@Faith-and-Hope  @Tim_YPA  @Tictac  @Shaz51  @Appleblossom 

[Tim_YPA]

@outlander I get that, I actually can't remember very well a time before becoming a carer (thank trauma), but I think for me it was finding something I was passionate about and then finding little bits of time to work away at that passion. For me when I was younger it was fitness stuff, not its research stuff. 

[Tim_YPA]

I don't think I told anyone about my carer situation for probably three years – because I just didn't know how to explain it. I really struggled to apply any sort of ‘framework' or ‘script' to my situation, so I had no idea how other people would understand it. This led me to compartmentalise my life so that I had ‘carer Tim', and then ‘work/school Tim'. This created many tensions, as there were times when I felt I wasn't being true or honest with my friends, especially when I couldn’t get to events because I had responsibilities at home. It also meant that I didn't seek out support services at work and school, because in those spaces, I kind of locked away my carer identity. When I got to uni, I started to more and more identify as a carer and tell people about it. I think part of it was being around a new group of people, but also realising that many people do know something about mental illness and can usually empathise with some of the challenges I was facing Another thing that helped was getting involved with my community, and hearing the diversity of experience people have. Being involved in SANE and many other organisations helped me learn how to tell my story in a way I felt comfortable.  

(Miss Piggy speaking the TRUTH!)

[outlander]

Thank you for sharing @Tim_YPA
Yep the 'my normal' can be really hard to explain even though it might not be something we agree with or how we want things to be its how it is at least for now. Like you im often talking to a brick wall when it comes to others but thankfully there were some changes even though very small at one point that shows that things can change.
Stepping back can be hard hey..

[Tim_YPA]

@outlander yes stepping back is sooooo hard. I remember chatting to someone in their 30's who is also a carer, who was saying they'd got to a place where they were able to step back, and not try and fix everything...at that time I could not even fathom that. I'm trying though because I know I'll burn out otherwise. But it's finding the time to step back that then won't create more stress worrying about it. I have a good friend who helps me think through these things and plan it out, which I find always helps. 

[nashy]

There can be a lot of early resistance in the desire to seek out support services both from the perspective of the carer & the person living with CMI. Did you notice a difference after engaging with the support services? @Tim_YPA 

[Tim_YPA]

@nashy honestly, my first time seeking out support when I first 'became' a carer, didn't go down well, because the counsellor just didn't get CMI. That put me off for ages. But, then I did some research and found a psychologist who was really on point with their CMI knowledge and was able to understand the challenges I was facing. Once I started seeing this person regularly it helped me find more 'me time' in the sometimes chaotic day-to-day of caring and life.

[Faith-and-Hope]

Talking to others and getting help has been way difficult for us, partly because the behaviours involved, and the intensity of them (talking about husband here) have been beyond belief to health professionals, and I have been rebuffed, disbelieved, inappropriately redirected, etc ...... all this after telling the kids that there was help out there for us, and I would find it.  I came to the point of recognising that my own health would crash if I didn’t disengage, and move into a role of damage control.  That’s really where we have stayed, and we can’t do anything about hubby’s behaviours, so we stay out of the way of his daily regimen, waiting for it to show up medically somewhere.  As individuals we visit our own counsellor’s for personal support.  We are open with close friends, but there is a limit to how much can be said because it’s so overwhelming, even to listen to.

We hug a lot and have huggy friends, and we distract a lot.