Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Jacques]

hi @suzanne @NikNik @Shaz51 @Determined, this is a wonderful topic and many women don't get the support or love they need or deserve. 

i have met a wonderful woman who is so special to me, we both suffer a lot of MH issues and we have found that just supporting each other during difficult times and finding ways to really enjoy the good times helps during the times of low mood and anxiety

[Determined]

I can relate to mr Shaz @Shaz51 with suporting his family. One of the hardest things for me at the moment is not being able to work to support our family. The result of burnout.  I understand the caring role is far more important than any job at the moment but it is hard not to feel inadequate when I cant do both .

[Shaz51]

@Determined,, @suzanne I know there are times that you have written that you as a family were able to have a day out together which is good , I know it is not totally time for yourself but like me when Mr shaz is ok we have done things inbetween

[Jacques]

hi @Shaz51, i find and have heard so many men feel they need to be the bread winner and need to do all the work to care for their wifes and families, even my partner has found she is put into role steriotype of what men and women should do in a relationship, i have spoken to her and said that is why i am not liking the whole husband and wife thing, i like to see a relationship as a partnership, everything is done equally, delt with equally and discussed together, if you are a partner it is both parties resposibilty to care and work together for a successful relationship

[Shaz51]

He's so hard on himself @Shaz51.  We can all hear how hard he's trying but he's holding himself up to a very high standard. -- he is always hard on himself @suzanne, I find it hard sometimes that I am always encouraging and lifting him up

[Determined]

Hi @Littletink_ an welcome,

The best advice I could give is to accept any support that you can access, seek councilling for yourself etc...  I made the mistake of trying to do everything on my own, caring, looking after children and holding down a job. For a long time we covered up my wifes illness, this has had a huge impact on my own health to the point I am currently unable to work. 

[suzanne]

I've tried to explain my ability to emotionally disconnect from my partner when times get tough but it's not easy to do.  I think it's probably an offset of working in mental health and having to maintain emotional boundaries.  You learn to be present but not to absorb peoples pain.  Well, after the first major burn out you do!

So now I can be in the same room but not be emotionally connected to his pain. It's like being in my own bubble in a way.  Earlier in my career I used to have to actually visualise a transparent bubble keeping me safe from client's emotional pain. 

This probably sounds very strange but I do think it's critical to staying well yourself as a carer when your loved one has mental health challenges.  There can be so much transference of their issues and feelings.  You have to find a way to block it out.

For some it's carving out their own time and space.  But for @Determined and @Littletink_ it doesn't sound like there is much time and space outside of your relationship.

Does anything I've just said make sense?  I'm entirely open to the idea that this only makes sense to me!

[Shaz51]

 I made the mistake of trying to do everything on my own, --- me tooo @Determined

Hello @Jacques, @Littletink_ 

[Jacques]

sometimes it is really difficult to separate the two when you are so close as a couple, the roles mix and it can't be helped. that is where communication is so important. you can help each other and also are able to tell when each other needs some space.

[Shaz51]

sometimes it is really difficult to separate the two when you are so close as a couple -- and also working and being together 24/7 @Jacques, @suzanne, @Determined, @Littletink_