Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Determined]

@suzanne

I have been giving that some thought and not quite sure how to put it in to words...

The biggest challenge for me is that it is often hard to be objective as I am so emotionally invested in our relationship. I find it hard to seperate the the caring role from our relationship as as a husband it is my responsibility to look out for my wife and look after her. 

[suzanne]

Hey @Jacques are you around tonight?  This is another one that I think relates quite strongly to your situation.  It would be great to hear how you manage to be both partner and carer/support.

[Shaz51]

Have you found ways to separate out these different roles, no i find it hard to seperate @suzanne, and even though I am not a carer of my MIL or my SIL`s with their mental illness , but they have a big impact in Mr shaz Life as well as his children

@Determined , and with you looking after your children too

[Shaz51]

Hi @Littletink_ and @Jacques 

[suzanne]

Does that mean @Determined that you find yourself primarily in the carer role much of the time? 

I think that the flexibility to shift between roles in a relationship is like a muscle that needs to be exercised to stay strong.  In a way it's the same when partners become parents.  You can completely sink into the new role and operate solely as co-parents.  Or you can very deliberately carve out time to be partners.  When you don't do it very often it feels very strange and almost unnatural.

Of course the difference is that your wife's health would also be a factor in when you can make the switch. You can only really do it when she's well and able to switch over with you. 

Are there times when that can happen?

In my own relationship my partner suffers from depression and anxiety.  He's not too bad at the moment but there have been some pretty dark times.  At those points I found that I needed to emotionally withdraw from him as the gravitational pull of his depression is very strong.  I'm still physically present and doing what needs to be done but I've sort of disconnected emotionally.  At that point I feel like I'm dialling in both partner and carer a bit.  I'm mostly someone clinging to my own life raft.  But at other times, when he's better, I can be just partner and we can have a really good time.

Are you getting those times?

[Determined]

Yes @Shaz51 having to look after the children and help them navigate this difficult time is added preassure. Particularly when I am lost myself most of the time. And my darlings illness does have an impact on them unfortunately. 

[Shaz51]

@Determined, @suzanne

I know Mr shaz says he feels it is not right -- he says he should be supporting the family and he says he can`t , but i say we are doing it together

and @Determined, you are doing an awesome job keeping your family together through all this

[Determined]

I was just contemplating that @suzanne and I would have to say that I am mostly in the carer role... Im not sure that I even know what a healthy relationship means any more. I like your analogy of clinging to a life raft. I do what needs to be done to keep my darling safe and what the children need the best I can with little or no time for myself. I think I do most things on autopilot, succeeding only because I have done it enough times to make it routine. 

[suzanne]

He's so hard on himself @Shaz51.  We can all hear how hard he's trying but he's holding himself up to a very high standard.  Not just for your hubby, but we'd all be better off if we can be a little more compassionate with ourselves.  Spend at least as much time acknowledging what we've achieved as being self-critical.   

[Littletink_]

Hi @Shaz51 @suzanne and @Determined
Thank you for linking me to this discussion @Shaz51

As you know I am new to the carer role and I am only 26. I am caring for my partner. She has Bipolar Type 2, Borderline Personality Traits and she also has a form of Autism.
I do feel that I sometimes get lost in between the carer role and being a partner ect. I can definitely relate to the comment you made @suzanne about clinging to a life raft. Some days I am just hanging on for dear life but I have no idea what I'm hanging onto.
My partner has no support from her parentsband no support from her friends. I am all she's got. Her parents seem to make her illness a lot worse. And we are currently dealing with her father being very anti mental illness at the moment and telling her to go off her medication and that she shouldn't be on her meds. He has a very significant impact on her mental health and not a good one. She feels the pressures from her parents. And she told me last night that I am the only reason that she hasn't killed herself. I cried and cried. It's so tough. I will do anything to help her get through. She has very low mood and no motivation. Any advice guys would be great. Thank you so much