Lived Experience Forum

[outlander]

so ive been through some traumatic events and i feel it has changed me but in the process ive lost who i am and i dont know how to get 'me' back
im having alot of trouble moving forward and i dont even know where to start
ive been diagnosed with complex ptsd, health anxiety, social phobia, severe depressio and severe GAD as well
 
i was sexually abused when i was abit yonger and its still affecting me and i still ahve troubles coming to terms that it was my fault.
ive witnessed my youngest sister get attacked by a dog and i still blame myself for it
for both of events i still get flashbacks and visons of lookin ahead as well as alot of emotions around these mixed in with depression and the other anxieties as well
 
im a carer for my pop and also a primary carer for my two younger sisters and i also have another small paying job  which is horse holiday care.
im also studyin as well and its coming to the end of it now as well.
 
i recently lost my nan and i was a carer for her as well before she passed and towards the end she was in a really bad way and these memories still haunt me

ive also got mild scoliosis and that is enough to cause pain, a few torn ligamanets that may never heal and if they do they will still casue me pain
i had a disk in my neck that is damaged from a horse fall and it casue s me pain and wont full heal but all i can do is continue pain management and treatment

i dont have any friends outside the forums and  i dont have the support of my family either which makes me feel like a total dissapointment and a looser

not that long ago ive had to get glasses and also have to keep getting my eyes checked as they thought my retina was going so thats fun

i recently had to have pelvic and abdominal exams and ultrasounds as my gp thinks i have a condtion thats casuing lack of periods as i ahvent had them for almsot 2 months now and showing other symptoms as well and they wanted to do std testing from my past as well
im at my gp at least every week and this week alone ive gone 3 times already

i dont know who i am anymore, i dont know how to rediscover myself. i dotn know how to move forward and i dont know where to go from here

[Owlunar]

HI @outlander

It sounds as if you have had your childhood and adolescence taken away from you - you certainly do come across as much older than you really are

And you have so many responsibilities for one so young - and so many health issues as well - both physical and emotional

One thing that may assure you is that no one really knows who they are so early in their life - esp if they have been ill-treated. I honestly don't remember asking myself that question when I was your age

When I was your age I had been in the work force for years - and I had been going to night school as well - I had been in the Army Reserve and I was engaged to be married when I was 21 and this was not a good idea - but things were a lot different in the distant past and the only way I could leave home was to get married

But who was I then? I was on the way to becoming who I am now - and my early life was not easy - but I find that after all the shouting and the tumult and the captains and kings departing - the wars that have been seem to be still happening and through all the chaos in my life I still went on becoming who I am and I know I am not finished yet

So - with everything that has happened to you and is still happening - it has been hard and I would assume this will continue - but I think a long long time in the future you will look back and feel pretty much the way I feel about myself now - I did not let my circumtances define me - it was the way I dealt with it that did that -

It has been tough - very tough - and you have had so much happen in the last week I am not surprised at your question - in fact - I rather like it - it reveals a person who thinks and this is always a good thing

Dec

[outlander]

@Former-Member and the other

[outlander]

@Owlunar ive told that by a few people in life that im way wiser beyond my years, i jsut never really understood it that well

i dont know whats worse the mental or physical conditions but both combined well thats just shite

how can i not let circumstances define me when they are 'me;? im literally lost and dont know where im going or who i am or who i want to be. Blank wall- nothing comes to mind at all

im living my mistake of a life

i might think @Owlunar but i think wayy too much but yes i guess it does show asking this question is something though i dont know what.

if i turn out half the person im sure you are id be very luck Dec

[Former-Member]

Hey @outlander I think this must be what you were going to tag me in. you have clearly been through a lot of trauma and I'm so sorry that you are feeling so lost and alone. I'm glad you have this forum and that you have friends on here. We only "met" a few days ago but in my opinion a person, especially of your age, who can look after their elderly nan and pop is a strong and admirable person. You have also been very kind and caring to me, a complete stranger, which speaks about your personality. Do you talk to a psychologist or councillor? I really hope that you can find who you are again and find a way to not let the traumatic events you have experienced define who you are. You are so much more than that. Do not give up 💕

[outlander]

Oh theres 2 @Former-Member that i taggee u in

[Owlunar]

Hi @outlander

Whatever you may think and feel - there is one thing I am sure of and that is that you are not a mistake - maybe your parents made a mistake and that's their thing - but I do believe in the Higher Power that makes us from the beginning doesn't make mistakes - which kinda took me a long time to work out

I felt as if my bro and I were mistakes - as if the first two kids were disposable when the third and the only child my mother wanted was my sister so many years later - and this stings to this night - and my sister is so much less a person than I am.

Perhaps it's really hard to see past the hard parts defining us when we are starting out - I had such bad self-esteem I could not see that all I had done in my life was worthwhile and I was building a pretty amazing person until last year - or maybe the year before - but at my end of the current time-line I have lived a lot of years - and amazingly - I told my therapist and she was shocked when I told her this - but it was true - I could not see past my mother's bitterness and sharp, nasty tongue and whatever else that strange question-mark of a woman was.

Although I never let my mother know it - I did not like myself - but I do now -

So - it's not what has happened to you so far that makes you - defines you - this is just the foundation - not even that much - the beginning of the person you will become. And yes - I do believe that if you become only half the person I can see of you in the future - it will be pretty cool

I have said this many times in the past - the hardest voice we have to get out of our head is our mother's - she is the first person we can hear - the first environment of our lives - we are a captive audience to whatever our mothers think and feel during our gestation - before we are born - and I know my daughter knows she was wanted - she was loved

But my son was adopted and he was taken from his birth-mother without her permission - that happened back well over 45 years ago - and he was very unhappy and I can understand why - he must have felt like a mistake but to God and to me he never was -

Whatever we do - we can learn to build our self-esteem and looking after your nan and pop and being the primary carer of your little sisters and caring about your horses and working at your studies - and whatever else - wow - you may not see it yet but you are making a huge start

We can only live one moment at a time - imagine trying to live even one day at a time - that's huge - we can only live one of these huge days at a time - how did I get to be so wise

Because it all hurt so much I think - and I wanted to be who I still am becoming

It won't be easy but it iw worth it

Dec

[outlander]

Ok this one thread got a bit lost in notififications but all good ive found it and Im able to better respond now @Owlunar@Former-Member

firstly thank you both for reply to here

@Former-Memberthere is 2 threads I tagged you in this one and another. I feel lost and alone all the time. Its good the forums are here too. Even though I have no idea who these people are but behind those screens they are real people with real experiences and I feel priviledged to have met a lot of people of people
yes even though we only met a few oinion m quite fond of you as well, you seem to have a big heart esp working with people with dimentia as well. That shows your a caring soul as well and I would like to get to know you more as well

I have been to 3 and soon to be 4 psychologists. The first one I didnt find was working well for me and I wasnt just goignin circles and as my mum didnt like here even though she didnt know her it would always casue massive arguments between us and she already doesnt support me so aruging all the time was making it harder again. Then I went to a second one for one session but her fees have gone up again and she sent me to a suicida prevention program that procuses on on suicide idealaition (SI) and self harm (SH) prevention and coping strategies and that went for 2 months with a qualified psych but she only does short term like the program so theres my third psych and now ive just applied for some counslling through a sexual abuse service that offers some free sessions and after I finish with the free sessions im able to continue on with this therapist but then I go back to medicare rebabates

[outlander]

@Owlunar
I feel like a total mistake. Im glad you dont see me as that though.
My mum ad so called dad were together for quite a while and when mum become pregnant he left and I havent seen him since nor do I want to anymore.
A lot of the times I think my mother wishes she only had the 2 girls. Im sorry you had this experience as well. It really does suck!
How did you not let all these experience define you when it is 'me' I dont know how to move forward from all this shite. I dont like myself at all Dec. not one bit and I dont know when or if I ever will.
I see nothing in myslef Dec, I dont know what ill become besides the monster I already am.
I dont thnk my mother likes me that much even though im suppose to have the connection you speak of but I guess thats the way its going to be.
Im sorry about your son, it mustve been hard and I can understand why he wouldve felt like that, I feel like that and im not adopted. Ive wanted to adopt a child before but not yet obviously. Id want to be set up and everything and offer 1 or 2 a better life. If I ever had a child I woudlnt abort but id ratehr help the kids that dont have a home or family first before bringing more into the world if that makes sense (that probably sounds really terrible to you)

[outlander]

Feeling lost and going crazy