Lived Experience Forum

[Baileyboy]

 I don't I know who i am anymore... Here's what I've really been thinking...

I believe every personn is either inertly suicidal or homicidal. They have the capacity to be/do the other but the first and foremost act is part of them. In many of us this part of us never becomes reality, in fact probably never even enters our dreams, but in others a click way back in the mind opens up a locked reseviour of feelings which will lead us to commit a crime against ourselves or against others. Often this takes place in horrific circumstances and is splasded across the pages of a newspaper for all to judge, to ooh and aah and cry extremities. But, we all have the same beginning and the same possibility is there for us all. One click and the key unlocks the entrance to the cliff edge.....teeyering on the edge can be for some the source of energy for their lives. It is however when you fall over hthe edge that reality becomes a cold slab of a very rel morgue. 

HOW DO I KNOW?

[TheVorticon]

Hi @Baileyboy.

I can relate to the suicidal/homicidal thoughts, and the idea that everyone has these type of thoughts. As animals, we have an inate sense of competition, of neutralise or be neutralised. But also of cooperation when it assures survival. As humans, we structure this into "society" and document the rules of society with the idea of assuring survival for the people that leadership sees fit, under the terms that leadership sees fit.

Sometimes a person will fit within that structure, and sometimes that same person won't. Because it's a structure overlayed over nature, over action and reaction, over thought, feeling and senses. 

Who are you? A human. An individual. As perfectly imperfect as humans before and after.

Is this kind of what you're talking about?

[Baileyboy]

That's pretty much it exactly @TheVorticon. It is the animal instinct in us. It's like when we take into account our own minds and thoughts survival, if thats what we are doing, leads us to decide...me or them.

Rambling, I know but tonight I'm not sure which one to be. Is it a selfish decision do you think? @TheVorticon

My them is the catholic church! Do you have a them?

[Zoe7]

@Baileyboy A very interesting topic. I will get back to you after I tag @Former-Member

[Former-Member]

thanks @Zoe7 i just found it as you tagged me lol all good 🙂

yes i think at some point we all think about suicide but depends on how far you take it whther it be very simple as kinda like a joke (e.g. i cant do this homework, i want to die) to the more serious ones where people are attempting suicide.

we are all human in that sense definently @Baileyboy

but i also think it has to be activated within our thoughts and emotions through an event or soemthing serious to consider it seriously and not taking it in a teenage joke type thing.

it fine. im all good, ive just take meds but prob wont be asleep for another half hour/ hour yet so im alright. as long as the panadol i just  took- cracker of a head ache from my neck whatevers wrong with it and..... prob from not wearing my glasses all day while reading etc. but im ok

[Baileyboy]

Hey @Zoe7, don't know where I went...was online and replied to a post and it took me offline. Anyway are you still around?

Was remembering a 16 yr old girl who had miscarried quietly one night. Noone knows even now and the priest never knew but it led me to trying to bring things to an end. Luckily, as I see it now, it didn't work. But I understand @Former-Member thoughts of trauma bringing the suicide/homicide to reality. I thought of both options seriously.

Don't know why these thougjts/memories have surfaced tonight but there you have it...hence my post. Any wise thoughts @Zoe7? Taking my furry boy for a aee walk so he can settle down for the night but will return! Bb

[Zoe7]

Ok @Baileyboy Here I go!!!

We all have within ourselves the capacity for both however I believe that it is more likely that the act of taking someone else's like is within everyone. Why do I believe this? Within each individual there is a natural and inate need to defend - whether that be oneself or some else. Our instincts when someone is being 'attacked' either verbally, physically etc.is to want to help and protect that person. These instincts grow larger and deeper depending on the relationship one has towards that person (animal) and the role they play in one's life. For example - I would do anything to protect my babies and I believe that if their life was in danger from an 'attacker' then I would not hesitate to save them. 

There are of course some exceptions to this - those who don't/can't show empathy in an form are less likely to want to defend anyone/thing else as they do not have the same feelings of protectiveness as others do. It is often these people that intentionally hurt othersand go as far as homicide without taking any responsibility for their actions because they cannot see what they did was so inately wrong.

Suicide on the other hand is a different story. I don't believe everyone has within themselves the ability to consciously choose to harm - and that includes harming oneself. Harming oneself is a conscious choice often from subconscious pain. It is when someone cannot stand the pain anymore and have lost the ability (or will) to fight it. This is not the same with everyone - not everyone suffers pain to the same extent and not everyone has the same tolerance threshold. Suicide is not a choice to make - it is a decision made. It is much easier for people that do possess empathy to choose to commit a crime against 'onesefl' rather than against another but where there is no choice to make (as in defending someone else) then the crime of 'homicide' is possible.

I hope that doesn't just seem like ramblings and when I re-read it later it probably will - and the point I am trying to make will probably have got lost along the way - if it has I will edit when I am a bit more awake!

[Baileyboy]

But @Zoe7 I used to SH daily But once I had realised I was doing it. I would have no clue that I was doing until I became aware of the outcome. Pain didn't enter into it. Physical pain anyway.

How do you feel empaty for your abuser? I did make excuses for one of the younger priests involve (was actually a cousin) but I never understood why it happened and could certainly not  how they became who they were. So I blamed the only one who was constant in the whole equation...me.

How doesn't this lead to ways to finsh the whole situation....me or them.. the most important issue to end it... Bb

[Baileyboy]

@Zoe7 why would my posts mentioning a persoal event keep disappearing? I was describing a failed (depending how you see it) suicide attempt at 16. Bb

[Zoe7]

@Baileyboy The content of one of your comments is too descriptive - you may just need to rewrite using less description and content that is not as confronting to the reader. A moderatorshould notify you by email of what needs to be taken out or changed. It is nothing personal just a community guideline - have you read the Community Guidelines - if not just have a quick look through to see what type of details can and cannot be included.