Lived Experience Forum

[Appleblossom]

@Happyness I am with you on the Sorry Business

@Former-Member Glad you are finding strategies that work for you .. thinking of you

[Happyness]

https://www.newharbinger.com/

I'm not joking

You can be your own therapist

[Happyness]

Yeah

A TAC add

😃

"If you drink and drive
Your a bloody idiot"

[Former-Member]

@Happyness Thank you for the link but I'm not at all into those think positive self help books. I'm a bit or a realist person and find that type of teaching not at all my style. Hope you though get a lot out of them. It's funny how people get stuff out of different things

[Happyness]

Ice Cube cryed

It makes me sad

I hope he's alright

[lilypad44567]

Hi @Former-Member !!!!!!!

not sure if this is any help... 

Firstly i think you are incredibly brave in posting on this forum and telling people about your struggles! 

I too was diagnosed this year at age 21 with Bipolar. I will have different experiences from you as we are different people but I hope what happened to me can be of some help!

I was diagnosed in March, it was one of the scariest things ever to happen to me. I had a man (psychiatrist) speak in what appeared to be a foreign language about mental health. I didnt really understand anything and we discussed medication which terrified me SOOOOOOOO BAD! 

but then I went home in a state of shock and googled (i know not a very good source of info sometimes!) 

I immediately sought a psychologist (as I was having family problems, with family telling me that "i was attention seeking" or that "i was labelling myself") but also seeing a Psychologist (FOR ME!!!) was amazing, i could ask anything, I could be free to be scared/ to cry and to yell about this/other things! 

In the months that followed I developed Rapid cycling bipolar where the cycles become WAY QUICKER i spent days wondering was this going to be it! was my life going to be defined by my constant fear of my own emotions. I questioned everything from "am i really happy or is this the bipolar" to "am i really sad". I became confused and muddled up in my emotions. 

But then (its not all bad I promise)

I stabalised (so excited:):):)

it took me personally almost 6 months to stabalise (this is not normal at all this is crazy long!!) and being stable feels good. I still struggle with occasional depression but nothing compared to a couple of months ago! I am at Uni, I am planning my future, my career. 

I have dreams and desires which only a few months ago seemed to be beyond the realm of the achievable. 

You are Not defective, I am not Defective, Bipolar does not define WHO YOU ARE!!!! bipolar is just something that we have, like diabetes or the flu (not in severity but just using examples).  

I can tell you that I personally during my depressive episodes have became fully suicidal. I can tell you that I during these periods have self harmed. That dosent make me a low life loser and that dosent make you a low life loser either.  It just means that during these periods we need a bit more help! Personally  i use kids help line (dont know how old you are) but there are amazing services out there that you can call if you ever feel scared or alone. 

When I was unwell everyday i woudl want to know why! Why me! Why do i have to do this! I was tired, I was lonely and i didnt want to fight any longer! But I am so proud of myself that I did!!!!!

returning to medication: Medication is scary, I was terrified, things like side effects scared me. Since diagnosis i have tried several medications and I dont feel bad about needing medication. Many people in our society take vitamin tablets, many people take medication for other things. But also now 4 months after stabalising on medication, I can tell you I feel more like me and I dont mind that Medication is helping me achieve this! 

Dont feel afraid of medication but also if you have concerns dont feel afraid to check it out (i use black dog website they have info on medication) ask you Psychiatrist, challange him/her. Make the decision that is best for you as everyone is different. 

so in SUM: 

You are Not defective, I am not Defective, Bipolar does not define WHO YOU ARE!!!! bipolar is just something that we have, like diabetes or the flu (not in severity but just using examples).  

There is always Hope and many people live normal happy lives with Bipolar! 

the fact that you are posting on here is an amazing step!! 

best of Luck for your journey 

Lilypad44567

p.s. sorry for the massive post!!!!!!!!!

[Former-Member]

@lilypad44567

Thank you for your honest reply. It's really good to hear that you are going on with your life and doing uni and following your dreams.

I'm trying to also find out a lot more research on bipolar. The more I understand something the better and calmer I feel.

The reason I feel defective is because I feel I have lost at life. I come from an very abusive ugly family. All my cousins started having children at 16 and are those typical lining up at the dole office. As a kid problem kids attract problem kids so I would hang out with other kids who came from very abusive homes. At the age of 11 I said I'm not going to be one of these people. I made my mum change my school so I could get a fresh start and having been fighting for over 20 years to be a winner! To be something! But this diagnoses has just made me feel useless like I'm as useless as my family. Like I'm destined not to be anything. I can't work full time, I can't keep healthy relationships with people, I'm literally going insane from sad to angry to crying to laughing in 1 hour. I just feel like the univers is telling me to give up and become like my family and get use to the life of being a loser.

With medication I'm not scared about the side effects. I know the chances of something bad happening is slim to none and I know I will feel weird for a while. What I don't like about them is that I have to take something to alter my brain and thought process. It's not like taking medication for an illnes like cancer. It's not taking medication to get rid of the illness it's taking a medication to alter my brain

[lilypad44567]

Hi @Former-Member 🙂 

I totally agree about researching Bipolar, it really helped me to understand what was going on! 🙂 

Black Dog (http://www.blackdoginstitute.org.au/) for me personally really helped:) 

there are also some amazing books that talk about bipolar and peoples experiences such as an unquiet mind (which i loved!!!) I just went down to my local library for weeks and read everything I could find!!!!

I cant comment on your personal situation but I think you are so brave to post about your family trouble! I personally think that your determination to 'not be one of those people' shows how determined you are!!!!!  when I had lots of problems at home during my rapid cycling seeing a psychologist was really helpfull for me! everyone has different experiences and what worked for me might not be for you, Im not sure! But i personally feel inspired by you and your post to keep working harder to be as well as I possibly can!!

Medication wise, I never thought of it as changing my brain or thoughts, reminder this is just my opinion.  I thought of it as my brain is not level, medication helps me level out the aspects of my brain that are not level. Conversely I had an amazing Psychiatrist and i continually challenge him, I always focus on having as little medication as needed and we constantly review. A good psychiatrist is Key if you feel happy and confortable to talk about anything!

also i did go through a period at the beginnning of my diagnosis where i refused medication (this is my exp, not applicable to everyone) and i unfortuantely became so unwell so quickly (which is not normal!!). I was angry at myself because why should i need medication to be normal, i felt less of a person. I looked at my family and friends and felt like i was less than them, because they didnt need medication. Because in my view they were normal and I was not. 

I began taking medication when I became so unwell that I was no longer was able to function. I lost the ability to speak when i became hypomanic (cause i had so many thoughts trying to get out at once, my speech sounded chopped before nothing came out at all). I couldnt leave the house because of how unwell i was. 

I took medication not because i was unwell but because i wanted to become 'normal', sounds a bit wierd but i wanted to do anything to get better even medication. Medication for me worked, people have varying levels of success and i use continuing psychology sessions and other therapy to try to remain well. 

You need to make the best choice regarding medication for you, however you dont need to make such a decision alone. If you are close to one, a support group for bipolar sufferers could be a good place to see how others are doing 'in the flesh' and ask really blunt questions?

(http://www.blackdoginstitute.org.au/public/gettinghelp/othersupportgroups.cfm)

if you are seeing a Psychologist/counsellor or any other form of support person ask them. there are Helplines that can provide advice! e.g. Kids helpline 

p.s. I can tell you that on medication i feel like 'me' again! i dont feel it has changed my thought pattern at all, I feel almost how i used to. I feel like a 'normal' version of me again and not the crazy up and down version crying in a bathtub:) 

make the choice that is best for you but never give up!

I dont believe the universe is telling you to give up at all! never give up on your self as long as you do that and believe in yourself anything is possible