Lived Experience Forum

[Powderfinger]

I'm in a situation where I'm so heavily triggered daily and can't escape. The prior trauma just repeated over and over again. My best friend died tragically in 2013. I was present when he died. The circumstances around it are horrific. The person contributing to bringing up all this again is engaging in things that contributed to him dying that day. 

My mind is racing 24-7. I can't rest but I can't get involved. I'm scared I'm going to wake up and they are dead. The memories of his passing, that day and the years of hell for me following are returning. This person doesn't care. Should she. She knows what I went through. It's not my right to interfere. I suppose my past trauma is not her doing either. 

It's just that it's something I try to leave in my past. Now I'm reliving it every day. I feel angry at my MI, I feel angry with her for being excuse my French, a fuck...Ng insensitive bitch. I'm struggling, having really bad symptoms of panic and finding it so hard to rationalise my thoughts. Nobody could possibly know how I'm feeling. I got nobody to express this too. Nobody to tell what's really going on because of the rules about certain things on Sane. I have zero support and I just want to packa bag and run away. 

I want to scream at everyone that I hate them and to leave me alone. I want to scream at them because I love them and they should know better how something is going to affect me when they know my past. I can never forgive thus because I've always been there, always and they cannot be there for me. In fact I've been told to but out. It was all good when they needed me though. Unforgiveable. I'll never forgive this. 

[TideisTurning]

Hi @Powderfinger, it sounds like you've been through quite a lot and given all that, it's understandable you're having a bit of a hard time right now. I'm hearing the frustration, the anger, the hurt and invalidation it sounds like you've been feeling. 

I know you've spoken in other threads about having offline support, and I'd strongly encourage you to access these if what you're experiencing is becoming too distressing for you. While there are guidelines in place to ensure the Forums remain safe for everyone, you're also able to book a call to speak to someone at the Sane Help Centre for more support if you'd like to. 

[SJT63]

@Powderfinger 

I really hate hearing you losing it like this and not actually being able to help. It is very hard for loved one's to know what to do when the events that brought you to where you are now were before we knew you.

I battle every day with Mr S's reaction to things based on past trauma. He will spend hours weeping or shouting about things that happened 15 or 20 years ago. He responds to me as if I've said and done what ex's would have, even before I've opened my mouth. He behaves as if I'm constantly criticising, judging and blaming him for things ... things that I didn't even realise were a thing.

I've only just picked up on this. For example.... last week he started ranting about stuff he'd left lying around on the laundry floor saying he would pick it all up and put it away, just not right now. I NEVER care about stuff being left lying around and have never had a go about him being messy because I am really messy myself. I hadn't even noticed the things on the laundry floor because I don't see mess. (I see dirt, not mess, there's a big difference).

So for the last two years I've assumed that comments like that meant he thought I should have been picking up things behind him and reacted as if he'd had a go at me for letting his things sit on the laundry floor... effing ridiculous.

Then I realised. He was reacting to what his ex-wife (of 15 years ago) would have said if he'd left things lying around. It was that breakup that gave him PTSD on top of aspergers and bipolar.

Later on when he was calm I asked him. Did he think I should be picking up behind him, or did he think I was angry that he'd left things lying around. Of course the answer was neither - so I was able to show him that he was responding to how someone else would have behaved a very long time ago, not how I behave now. A bit of a lightbulb moment for us both.

My point being that it is sometimes very hard to know what to do and say with someone with CPTSD when then trauma occured long before we knew them. I know his past, I know what not to say, but that doesn't stop my loved one reacting as if I'd triggered him, such is his inner conditioning. Some days he is already angry with about something he thinks I've said before I even wake up in the morning.

"I didn't say that, I was asleep"..... "yes but you were going to, I know what you're thinking".

It is a hard road for all of us. 

Keep the faith xoxox

[Powderfinger]

@TideisTurning 

Thanks for this info. I'm.going to assess things and will remember I can book a call. 

[Powderfinger]

@SJT63 

I have followed your plight and listened. Your circumstances are challenging. My circumstances of course are different. I can't even talk about it, it's just too much right now. 

I'm.not even coping with it, talking about it makes me think not good thoughts at all, so it is better in a more controlled environment. I'm up sh...t creek.with no paddle. 

I don't think my ex and for a long time had any insight into my MI. I tried to.explsin.and share. I.giess it's no ones fault. It is what it is and can't change what happened there in that regard. The memories are not pretty. In saying that, she excercised no care nor compassion when SHE DUD KNOW VERY WELL about my MI, what were definite triggers for me well beforehand and acted on them more than once. That is what I cannot forgive and I no longer trust her. Our bond has gone and so has our connection. She does not want to hear about it and it just ends up in arguments. 

So, now I basically live my own life. I have no time to work anything out when the other party is clearly not interested in assisting in that process or changing their past behaviour. I don't need nor want that in my life no matter how much I love the person. 

Thank you for sharing your journey. 

[TideisTurning]

Hi @Powderfinger, 

I'm hearing your frustration. It can be really hard when we don't feel heard or understood by those closest to us and when their actions trigger us. Hoping your creek starts to quieten again soon and you find the paddle to navigate your way to calmer waters. 

TideisTurning 

[Powderfinger]

@TideisTurning 

I wish I could say it will. I've lost hope. I've been blocked from every angle I've tried to take. I have no more try, no more solutions. They just get blocked everytime anyway. I'm.beyond tired. The hurt is so very deep and many hurts over different things. I cry because of no direction, no solutions and my immense grief. This was meant to be a good Christmas for me this year. I never have faith around Christmas anymore. I believed, up until a few weeks ago, I was going to have a nice Christmas this year. That is gone. I know within myself there is not one person in this world who genuinely makes time for me, nor sincerely cares. 

I'm going back to bed. I need rest.