The absolute horror that my life currently is.

[Anastasia]

Oh @Powderfinger 

Firstly I am stoked that you have made a friend in the chair guy, that warms my heart. Secondly stoked you have somewhere else to be, especially with a friend during her move out days. I like him very much and am happy for you. I am a firm believer in the Universe and it's powers and now I am completely convinced he was brought to you for this very reason. 

You are awake very early. I am hoping you have managed some sleep tonight? 

"You can dream..." I like those lyrics. Music is the best isn't it? So good for the soul. I'm watching Zoey's extraordinary playlist at the moment, very quirky musical series but I am loving it and the music. 

Hugs and hugs to you my friend 🤗🤗

[Zoe7]

@Powderfinger That is really good news. It will give you both the space and company you need to get through those couple of days.

[Powderfinger]

@Anastasia 

Music is really good for the soul. Yes, my friend Peter is a nice guy. It's been really challenging for me because I have a hard time around men due to sexusl abuse. Add to my current issues with no trust and very vulnerable I can say that I am still scared. 

Men can't seem to keep their hands to themselves. I do not like men for that reason. 

To be perfectly clear and honest I'm a right mess. My head specifically is so messed up. It's hard to make sense of a lot of things. I cannot take anymore of being ignored. 

I also think I'm in a lot of shock still. It's getting harder and harder to stay motivated bated everyday. 

I can't think positively as much as I'd like to. I try ignore her as much as possible. 

She does things around here like I don't exist. Like there is no thought for me and the fact that I'm struggling. No sensitivity to that. 

It's also hard when someone shuts down your voice in.a variety of ways. I really did give up trying to initiate any conversations about anything. Now I find it really hard to speak after weeks of doing this and prior to all this happening, there were periods where my voice was shut down. I don't look at her even buy when I do, I think she is a complete stranger to me. 

Pretty much like the whole year we were thinking Heather never even happened. That's how she behaves. Like things are done and dusted and she is ready to move on and create the new life I apparently stuffed up for her. 

There's no thank yous. Just stone cold silence. So, when I leave, all I'm doing us leaving a sticky note on the bench to say leave your keys on the bench. 

I'm not obligated to tell her I'm going away, where I'm going nor when I will be back. No obligation at all. 

I will block her number as soon as I leave. I do not want to hear from her at all. 

I'm still unsure if I should go to my friends. I'm in such a bad space that I am so up and down. I could be OK and then spiral into a massive downer. 

I've also got the option to go camping. My friend will lend me her tent. 

[Powderfinger]

Thanks @Zoe7 

[Powderfinger]

@Anastasia 

Though, yes you are right. Peter is a god send to me. I am so blessed to have him in my life. He just seems to understand me. He is the most giving and kind person I have met in a while now. I would do anything for him. Sadly, I haven't been able to in my position. 

I'm.still learning to take without anything me wanting anything back. It's hard not to feel incredibly bad and useless. I think it comes from my early childhood abuse. I'm not sure but it's there. Add the abusive relationship I've just come out of and my head/heart being an absolute warzone. 

In saying all this, I've done well to build strong support and make some very good friendships here in my town. My town is all about community and helping community. I'm glad I listened to my gut when I knew I wanted to live here. I love my town and the people. Not to mention it's very beautiful. 

Anyhow I am going to my friends house on Thursday and will be coming home on Saturday. 

I am having difficulty understanding why I'm.scared. It's very hard to get that insight. I'm also Burt Ng in my heart. 

As mentioned earlier I am just going to leave a post it note asking her to leave the keys and block her number when I leave on Thursday. 

There is a part of me that feels sad and guilty. I feel sad cause it's a missed opportunity for us not to talk and I feel guilty because it's not a nice thing to do to someone you once loved. I know my thinking is faulty after all she has done. Perhaps both you and @Zoe7 can help me through this part. Insight and a different understanding? 

I really do not want to feel guilty. The sadness I cannot help. It's very hard when someone has shown you so many different sides to themselves that you actually don't know who they are. 

I know I've got some upcoming bard times from now into the next few weeks. I'm doing my best in my state. I'm finding it very hard to hold myself together and to keep the years at bay. If I let go, zi know I'm not going to have the strength to pull myself back together. 

[Anastasia]

I hear you. I will come back when I can respond properly @Powderfinger x

[Powderfinger]

@Anastasia 

That's ok. Just when you are able. 

[Peri]

Dear @Powderfinger ,

i admire how you are getting through this and have a plan for a few days I am glad you have a friend to go to. 

I am sorry if I offended you and you felt that I was telling you what to do.  It was not my intention, I was just trying to respond to some of the hints you said and I see that was not what you needed at that time.

you are showing remarkable personal insight and resilience.  This week shall pass, and you can make your home yours .

my thoughts are with you as you go through this distressing time

peri

[Zoe7]

Hey @Powderfinger I think what you have planned to get through this week (and especially Thurs/Fri) is very wise. Getting away and staying with a friend to help you out is a great idea. I feel this friend is much like the one I lost - and that makes me happy for you. When we find that kind heart, care and confidence in someone it is so worth holding onto - add that there are no expectations and he understands you makes it a very good friendship to have.

I cannot speak for @Anastasia but I bet like me she is all too happy to be here to help you through this. It of course is not going to be easy - no grieving is but you have already begun to take steps to move forward and that is positive.

As for 'insight and understanding' - you already have both of those and have showed here in your writing so far just how proficient you are in working through this yourself -  we are listening and will continue to do so if that helps you to get through all this 

[Powderfinger]

@26aqua I am sorry I did not see you post apologising and saying you felt red faced. It is ok, I am sure there was so much you needed to get out and if posting here on this thread was what made you realise, that is Ok. I do hope you get and have gotten more support for you. I was truly just not in any position to be able to support you and your post. If I was I would have responded in more length.