The absolute horror that my life currently is.

[Anastasia]

Hello lovely @Powderfinger 

I must admit I recall your history and I was surprised to hear that you have bonded with him,  but beyond pleased to hear as not all men are bad so again this just instills in my mind just what a blo0dy resilient and incredible soul that you are to allow your heart to open to a friendship with him. I have so much admiration for you and I believe from the bottom of the depths of my soul that in time you will be able to look back on the sh*tty existance and be the warrior that you are destined to be. I hope that's not too much? I am not trying to "p*$$ in your pocket, It's how I feel about you, a warrior queen destined for greatness, just for reasons beyond your control it hasn't happened...YET! 

You said you are having difficulty understanding why you are scared..is it the unknown?

The unknown terrifies me. I overthink everything and have scenarios mapped out ten times over in my head before it's even left the ground.

Is it being on your own? Can that be worse than what it is now? I don't think so, but I think you know that, still scary though, I do get it and I hear you. I think you have plenty of reasons, perhaps even just change. Change is very unsettling.

You talk guilt...oh I am hearing you here. I have had countless sessions with my pdoc around guilt She says its such a wasted emotion. Doesn't help move forward, doesn't change things. So I do my best when my boy is struggling not to blame myself and feel guilty for shortfalls in my parenting caused from short falls in my parents parenting and so on down the line. I just do my best not to make the same mistakes twice, that is my redemption in my mind anyway. It keeps me from falling down the rabbit hole. Maybe that gives you something to think about? I hope so?

I get the sadness - perhaps the missed opportunity I hear you I do.  It is sad, two people once head over heeels in love, you are allowed to feel sad, and you will, probably for some time. But please speak kindly to yourself whilst working your way through the sadness and other emotions and please don't place the blame on yourself. Sometimes people just aren't meant to be...

I maried the absolute love of my life (so I thought) oh what a mistake that was 😞

I hope I have given you some food for thought. I know I have given you some of my story in each case - it is purely as food for thought so you can disect it and take from it any helpful insight and discard what's not. I am far from wise, I just have had my fairshare of bad relationships and undertsand what a broken heart feels like.

Holding your hand and walking with you, ready to support you should your knees wobble my friend as is the dear @Zoe7.

Love and hugs always xox 

[Anastasia]

Hehehe @Zoe7 and I were writing in unison to you @Powderfinger xox

[26aqua]

@Powderfinger no need to be sorry, and I completely understand 🙂 hope your days have been getting easier 😊

[Powderfinger]

@Peri 

Thank you. Even in my terrible state I realised that perhaps you didnt understand the full story of what was going on for me. I took no offence to anything you wrote. I went to the my workshed because I wanted to be away from her. I did lseep in ther for three or four nights but then came back into the house as I couldnt cope with the fumes anymore. I have been in the house since then. There has been battles and this has been/is damn hard to go through. I also have not bee very present throughout these posts and this thread. I went back and read the entire thread today. 

I appreciate that you reached out and gave support. 

Powderfinger

[Powderfinger]

Hey @Zoe7 

I honestly thought about it quite a few times if I could push myself to stay while she is leaving and every time it was no, so I am definitely not going to be here. Yes, I like Peter a lot. I will not say love but like a lot. Love is pain, liking someone comes at not as much a cost. In saying that I would help him out in a heartbeat if there was an issue and I knew I oucld assist in helping him. 

I am not sure if I am being very clear? Perhaps not. It is not just about the grief. Its the abuse too @Zoe7 The gaslighting. To make someone question themselves because you do trust the person you love and want to believe them when they say it is not how you think it happened. The only way I knew for sure it happened and got said is because I wrote it here before I was gaslighted. All to often it gets glossed over. For the person on the receiving end it is horrible to be gaslighted and to question your sanity. Add to a mind that is already a mess, tired, confused and well double the stress and confusion. She said it and then made me fell stupid for thinking it when I bought it up. 

That is one of the reasons I do not want to be here when she leaves and I will be blocking her number, having no contact. She can just go. Ive already been trhough a year of denial, and so much incredible pain. Talking about this and having it all denied again is a huge risk for me. 

As for your comment about insight and understanding, it is a wonderful compliment. Thanks. I am talking about my most inner feelings though too of major confusion. It's super hard to validate my own experience at the moment. Its super hard to be in the same house with someone like this. It's super hard to live in a house with someone that ignores you completely. It's super hard to not want to scream at her and tell her I hate her for everything she has done. A lot of women and men do not talk about the abuse. They do not talk about anything when it comes to that for so many reasons. It is also hard when it is not just a failed relationship because at the end of the day you were not suited to each other,  not in love anymore, or whatever other reasons but because it was highly toxic and abusive. It is ever so hard to reconcile the fine line between love and abuse that cam be formed with an abuser. 

I hope you can hear that. 

Love Powderfinger. xx

[Zoe7]

@Powderfinger I do know it is more than grief and is so much to do with the ongoing abuse you have suffered - making you question everything about what you thought/think - not just about the relationship but about yourself as well. Her disputing conversations and making you question yourself as a result is confusing but another way she is playing games with you.

I know very well that line between love and hate with an abuser, the questioning of everything as well as the sudden end of that relationship with no further contact at all. I was lucky to survive and even luckier that he never came back - so I do very well get what you are talking about.

[Powderfinger]

@Anastasia 

I apprceiate you telling me how you feel about me. It does not go unheard. I just cannot connect with it at the moment with how I feel inside of myself. I have let Peter in to an extent, but I am still on the backfoot sometimes. It is a huge deal for me going to stay with him for two days and he is also has another male living with him, so yes it is scary for me. 

I still do not know why I am scared? Its hard when you are still very confused and hurting to try get to the bottom of feelings. Being on my own does not scare me in the least, living alone I mean. I feel like I have been doing that anyway with not being acknowledged or spoken to. That just doesnt scare me. 

I do not know what is behind the guilt. I guess when someone already feels bad about themselves in so many ways you add more on. I just do not know. I find it quite shocking how I spent a year with a person who has done everyhting she has done and even more so recently. Its like a stranger living in my house but I was on a relationship with this person. That is extremely confusing and of course it does things to the mind. 

I do not know what the sadness is about, it is there. I do not know what a lot of things are about really. I am just trying to get through the next few days and I do not like how I feel inside. I know I do not want to be here anymore. 

I appreciate you giving me food for thought and examples of your life. I will be honest and say that I cannot disect it and think about it. Not at this point. I am under major stress and distress. I have no more get up and go in me. 

Im about to reply to Zoe, I am going to tag you in it. I just found otu some news i am not happy about. 

[Powderfinger]

@Zoe7 I am sorry you know this and have known this in your life. This is absolutely not something I would wish on anyone ever. If ever anyone is to be handed hell in a handbasket this would be it. 

@Anastasia this is what I said I would include you in. 

I just found otu half an hour ago that my landlord is holding my exes bond until I have paid the new bond. I have paid 1080 of it and it was the best I could do at short notice. I came up with a plan to make the outstanding payment of $520 to him and asked him if it was OK. I had nothing to do with the refund of her bond with him. She paid the entire bond when we moved in here. It was fine then, we were together. So he has notified me that he is holding her bond until I have paid the entire $1600. I feel so angry with my landlord and her. First of all, he think I am made of money like him, second of all she has not told me this news at any time, third of all now I definitely know she gas lighted me when she said she paid her bond and two weeks rent in advanace already and then denied she said it. 

So, now in some ways she still has control over me with this and I cannot find $520 in a hurry. This has knocked me right back down again. I am feeling very angry right now. Another situation out of my control. 

[Anastasia]

I understand @Powderfinger 

Putting it here means you can re visit it when you like, IF you like 🤗💞💗

@Zoe7 🤗🙏❤️

[Jynx]

Hey @Powderfinger, just wanted to check in with you, especially if you're feeling like you don't want to be here anymore. I know you're pretty good at reaching out when you need to so I hope you've been able to get some extra support. Know that we're here with you during this difficult time