Hello lovely @Powderfinger 

I must admit I recall your history and I was surprised to hear that you have bonded with him,  but beyond pleased to hear as not all men are bad so again this just instills in my mind just what a blo0dy resilient and incredible soul that you are to allow your heart to open to a friendship with him. I have so much admiration for you and I believe from the bottom of the depths of my soul that in time you will be able to look back on the sh*tty existance and be the warrior that you are destined to be. I hope that's not too much? I am not trying to "p*$$ in your pocket, It's how I feel about you, a warrior queen destined for greatness, just for reasons beyond your control it hasn't happened...YET! 

You said you are having difficulty understanding why you are scared..is it the unknown?

The unknown terrifies me. I overthink everything and have scenarios mapped out ten times over in my head before it's even left the ground.

Is it being on your own? Can that be worse than what it is now? I don't think so, but I think you know that, still scary though, I do get it and I hear you. I think you have plenty of reasons, perhaps even just change. Change is very unsettling.

You talk guilt...oh I am hearing you here. I have had countless sessions with my pdoc around guilt She says its such a wasted emotion. Doesn't help move forward, doesn't change things. So I do my best when my boy is struggling not to blame myself and feel guilty for shortfalls in my parenting caused from short falls in my parents parenting and so on down the line. I just do my best not to make the same mistakes twice, that is my redemption in my mind anyway. It keeps me from falling down the rabbit hole. Maybe that gives you something to think about? I hope so?

I get the sadness - perhaps the missed opportunity I hear you I do.  It is sad, two people once head over heeels in love, you are allowed to feel sad, and you will, probably for some time. But please speak kindly to yourself whilst working your way through the sadness and other emotions and please don't place the blame on yourself. Sometimes people just aren't meant to be...

I maried the absolute love of my life (so I thought) oh what a mistake that was 😞

I hope I have given you some food for thought. I know I have given you some of my story in each case - it is purely as food for thought so you can disect it and take from it any helpful insight and discard what's not. I am far from wise, I just have had my fairshare of bad relationships and undertsand what a broken heart feels like.

Holding your hand and walking with you, ready to support you should your knees wobble my friend as is the dear @Zoe7.

Love and hugs always xox