Hey @Zoe7 

I honestly thought about it quite a few times if I could push myself to stay while she is leaving and every time it was no, so I am definitely not going to be here. Yes, I like Peter a lot. I will not say love but like a lot. Love is pain, liking someone comes at not as much a cost. In saying that I would help him out in a heartbeat if there was an issue and I knew I oucld assist in helping him. 

I am not sure if I am being very clear? Perhaps not. It is not just about the grief. Its the abuse too @Zoe7 The gaslighting. To make someone question themselves because you do trust the person you love and want to believe them when they say it is not how you think it happened. The only way I knew for sure it happened and got said is because I wrote it here before I was gaslighted. All to often it gets glossed over. For the person on the receiving end it is horrible to be gaslighted and to question your sanity. Add to a mind that is already a mess, tired, confused and well double the stress and confusion. She said it and then made me fell stupid for thinking it when I bought it up. 

That is one of the reasons I do not want to be here when she leaves and I will be blocking her number, having no contact. She can just go. Ive already been trhough a year of denial, and so much incredible pain. Talking about this and having it all denied again is a huge risk for me. 

As for your comment about insight and understanding, it is a wonderful compliment. Thanks. I am talking about my most inner feelings though too of major confusion. It's super hard to validate my own experience at the moment. Its super hard to be in the same house with someone like this. It's super hard to live in a house with someone that ignores you completely. It's super hard to not want to scream at her and tell her I hate her for everything she has done. A lot of women and men do not talk about the abuse. They do not talk about anything when it comes to that for so many reasons. It is also hard when it is not just a failed relationship because at the end of the day you were not suited to each other,  not in love anymore, or whatever other reasons but because it was highly toxic and abusive. It is ever so hard to reconcile the fine line between love and abuse that cam be formed with an abuser. 

I hope you can hear that. 

Love Powderfinger. xx