I read an old email from her tonight. It was sent in October last year.
I remember the email. I remember how I felt when reading it. So powerless, hurt and tired. It was vicious game playing. It's so hard to talk about the repetiveness of the abuse I just wasn't seeing.
Specifically around the constant barrage of forcing me to take responsibility. I'm starting to see why I was so confused and just how deep it all ran. For a year, I was constantly told to take responsibility. My head was scrambling most if the time to find what I had done wrong, what I should be taking responsibility for? If she did tell me when I asked what for, I can guarantee you it was projection. I'd done nothing wrong. I do not deny that sometimes I had made a mistake. I would acknowledge her hurt and pain, genuinely apologise and do my best to stop doing whatever said thing had caused hurt.
It wasn't enough. She would bring it up months later again and again. I'd thought we had moved past it but evidently not. If she didn't tell me and I did not take responsibility, there was hell to pay for me. Nothing I could do because I did not know what I'd done wrong.
I actually have strong morals and principles. I'm not perfect. I do have respect, consideration, empathy, understanding, kindness and more though. I'm starting to realise this was a way of keeping me in a cycle she created for me. It's just that I couldn't see it because I was so deeply in love, trust was there and I genuinely believed in improving in a relationship. What I couldn't see was that I would always be working to be a better partner to the point, I wouldn't even know who I was anymore. I actually did get to that point. I don't know who I am anymore. I don't know much if what I like, prefer or enjoy. It's like I'm just so emptied out.
I actually did have nothing left to give. I can see how the abuse escalated over time. It's still hard to call it abuse. I'm waiting to get into trouble from her. When she pried into my posts in here under my former username, that was a real eye opener to me. I could not look past that one. That was abuse. Even though it's a public forum, she did it with intent and used things I'd written to attack me. That was abuse.
I've slept for most if the day tidy. My body us not in fight it flight mode so it's basically just not able to stay awake for long periods of time.
There's been a lot if realisations today. Hard, painful eye openers. I'm so angry I didn't see all thus. I'm still very confused about many things. I'm also very tired and the pain from all thus runs deep.
