Lived Experience Forum

[Eden1919]

So sorry but warning this may have a little adult content but I will try and keep as non descript as possible so I am mortified that I am even sharing this to begin with but long story short my psychologist thinks I may be manic and like I don't know but then I thought it might explain something if I was. I have been having a lot of "hyper sexuality" type symptoms now I have never even had a partner let alone been intimate with one. And I have OCD and I don't even hug people normally or shake hands because I hate touching people but lately I have been staying up all night doing "stuff" alone and with people online not face to face just like text type stuff like I am literally staying up till 6am and then waking up around 8-9am and starting with all this online stuff again. I don't even know why but I can't seem to stop and I have even been considering like trying to hook up with some random to do stuff with but like I know I am not actually comfortable doing that but then I kind of feel like a bit reckless and like maybe I don't actually care so much but I am pretty much focused on this all day everyday and this has been going for like a week and a half. It is getting worse too. I don't know what to do or if I am just a weirdo but I can't possibly bring this up with any of my psychs because for one they are all MEN and also no way in hell. So I am a bit worried that I won't stay focused and will do something stupid but I am trying really hard not to. Any advice from anyone who has had something similar would be great and sorry this is so long and awful to read. 😞 

[CheerBear]

Hey @Eden1919. I don't think you're a weirdo and that wasn't awful to read, and I think it's really brave to share something that is difficult to talk about. I also think there would be lots of us who have experienced similar kinds of things to a certain degree regardless of our diagnosis. I understand how tricky it can be to bring topics like this up with your psych, especially if they are men. I don't think this would be something they haven't heard from people before though and it isn't something you have to be embarrassed or ashamed about, though I understand how it might feel that way.

I don't really have any advice but I did want to say that it is awesome that you are trying to stop yourself from doing something reckless. As far as hooking up with a random someone goes, again I can understand the temptation when you're in a hyped-up state. I remember getting very caught up in online stuff like this and it was difficult to get it all out of my head at the time too. There have been times when I have put myself in situations that have not been very safe and at the time it felt good in a way but looking back I realise that I took big risks. It can feel great to be with someone and I don't think there is anything wrong with wanting to do so, but it isn't awesome if it isn't safe and right for you.

I have heard people share experiences of hypersexuality on the forum and hopefully someone with more experience will come along, but for now I found this thread here that might help a little even if it is in feeling not so alone or strange with this one. 

[Scout]

Hi @Eden1919 - it sounds as if this is a fairly new drive or behaviour you've faced with, that something different has really happened within you. You also mentioned your psych was asking about being manic. This hypersexuality can be a marker, but also I saw that you wrote you haven't been needing much sleep at all lately. That's also pretty important for the psych to know too.

It is so difficult to bring this stuff up with anyone face to face, particularly if the person is someone you feel awkward being honest with. But the sleep and just feeling an "unusual hypersexuality" could be just the beginning of the conversation...? Could be a gentle way to just state a pretty important change and experience for you.

I guess @CheerBear already put that a lot more delicately that I could. But I also want to make sure you take care of yourself now too. The drive can feel powerful and intense when everything is heightened, but actually it's also a really vulnerable time too. Some people might want to find someone they don't know and be impulsive sexually but it could lead to decisions that later might feel regretful or not what someone would do when they didn't feel that drive. And this isn't about being ashamed of your sexuality (which no one should), but recognising (as you are right now) that this isn't how you usually feel or have felt until very recently. So take care of yourself too

[Eden1919]

Yeah I think it is just very weird for me because I am not normally like this normally I don't have much interest at all like occasionally but I never feel like I have to do anything about it but I am so focused on it that I am actually considering doing things that like I know I shouldn't and probably aren't that safe but it is just so intense that I feel like I have to I mean I haven't done anything yet but if it keeps getting more intense like it has been I am worried I will. I just don't know how to say it and I am not even sure what they could do. 

[TAB]

Yes men are horrible. Well I am. @Eden1919 .. anyhoo.. apparently paid sex world ie ‘workers’ or ‘cleaners’ is populated to a large extent by people ok women mostly, who are mentally ill and or on drugs re ‘chicken and egg theory’ Well , which came first? Anyway. Doesn’t matter. But sounds like a slippery slope especially if you are unsure about that sort of lifestyle. Not trying to sound judgey. Take care of your mind and body. And yes , everyone is someone’s daughter.

[TAB]

Well said @CheerBear @Eden1919

[CheerBear]

Hi again @Eden1919. Wondering how you're going this morning?

I really liked Scout's suggestion as to how you might bring this up with a psych. Saying that you haven't been needing sleep and that you're having some strange for you symptoms of hypersexuality, might be a good start. When I bring up something difficult with someone I also usually start by saying that I feel uncomfortable and worried about talking about something. That usually gives people a heads up that I need them to be gentle and patient and can help them understand that it isn't something that is easy to just come right out and say.

What a psych may be able to help with are strategies to fight that urge to do something reckless. They could work through how much of this is what you really want to be doing and how much is a symptom and not something you'd want when it passes. They also may be able to (would hopefully) support you to find ways to be and stay safe while you're experiencing what you are. Meeting up with someone doesn't have to be a terrible thing but there are ways to increase your physical and emotional safety. Meeting in a public place to start with, taking someone with you, telling someone where you are going, using protection if it got to that, working out where your limits between OK and not OK might be, making sure you and the other person are on the same page with it all, having some ground rules etc. are some things to consider.

I hope you can find a more comfortable balance with this soon. Exploring your sexuality can be an awesome, fun, exciting thing if it is done in a way that you feel comfortable and OK with.

[utopia]

@Eden1919

Hyper sexuality can be a symptom of mania - so it's very important to let your psychiatrist know. 

If you are having trouble saying those two words out loud - hyper sexuality - write it on a piece of paper and hand it to your psychiatrist.  He will understand.  What you are experiencing is normal for your situation.  Nothing to be ashamed of. 

Thank you for sharing your story here

[Chase]

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@Eden1919 wrote:

So sorry but warning this may have a little adult content but I will try and keep as non descript as possible so I am mortified that I am even sharing this to begin with but long story short my psychologist thinks I may be manic and like I don't know but then I thought it might explain something if I was. I have been having a lot of "hyper sexuality" type symptoms now I have never even had a partner let alone been intimate with one. And I have OCD and I don't even hug people normally or shake hands because I hate touching people but lately I have been staying up all night doing "stuff" alone and with people online not face to face just like text type stuff like I am literally staying up till 6am and then waking up around 8-9am and starting with all this online stuff again. I don't even know why but I can't seem to stop and I have even been considering like trying to hook up with some random to do stuff with but like I know I am not actually comfortable doing that but then I kind of feel like a bit reckless and like maybe I don't actually care so much but I am pretty much focused on this all day everyday and this has been going for like a week and a half. It is getting worse too. I don't know what to do or if I am just a weirdo but I can't possibly bring this up with any of my psychs because for one they are all MEN and also no way in hell. So I am a bit worried that I won't stay focused and will do something stupid but I am trying really hard not to. Any advice from anyone who has had something similar would be great and sorry this is so long and awful to read. 😞 

This kind of behavior is super addictive and can be a real trap. I've been through a similar situation for a three year period and hid it from everyone I knew for fear of embarrassment, shame etc. In the end it just resolved itself, nothing else in my life really changed or prompted me to modify my behaviour, I just found I no longer needed the time or things I did during it to feel good about myself. 

I truly don't regret it, I feel now at the time I was doing what I needed to feel good about myself and raise my self esteem. 

I think there is more people out there that endulge in a little risk and excitement than u would ever believe, nothing weird about it if its something u enjoy. 

I guess you need just to remember to stay safe, limit your exposure online and try limiting how often as much as possible. if you can try put off doing this for increased periods of time u might find its not necessary as often with the same result.

Of course in my opinion theres no real substitute for contact with another real life human being, random or otherwise, I actually prefer a more detailed relationship with anyone I'm intimate with, theres nothing like being in love but hey, if that's not where u are at the moment then any port in a storm. 

There's no reason to be shy about talking about it with a phsyc, male or female, believe me they've heard it all and more.

[Eden1919]

Hi @utopia@CheerBear@Scout@TAB and anyone I have missed. I hope you all had an ok Christmas. I went away and didn't have a lot of internet access. 

Anyway so this is still a big problem and there are a few other problems too. I am spending a lot of money but I can't stop and I don't even know what I am spending it on. And I am still not sleeping a lot and I feel really agitated but also everything is kind of magical and I feel like really in tune with nature like I can feel everything and like I also have a bunch of huge plans like big plans for the world and I kind of have magical powers again but that is hard to explain and like I need to help people and fix this huge thing because otherwise people are are going to keep getting hurt and anyway I can't stop singing either and oh but I still feel like I have to hurt myself for some reason because I think like it is more to get away from something than idk it doesn't really matter I just feel really weird but not completely bad weird. Anyway the whole sexual problem is still a problem like I am still doing stuff I wouldn't normally but idk maybe it will be fine like I just oh and I keep wanting to do a lot of art but also there are all these actually idk if I can say that oh well anyway I just feel super weird but like I don't know that I should tell my psychs because one has already left the other leaves very soon and my other one never listens anyway so probably shouldn't bother.