Lived Experience Forum

[Former-Member]

I cracked this morning. I got an unexpected and stressful phone call and completely lost it. I'm now processing everything and I feel like rubbish. I don't know how to live like this because this isn't living to me, this is just functioning on minimum. I don't want to live if life for me is just functioning on minimum.

Not long ago I was at a point where I had a life full of great things and was well on my way to reaching massive goals that I had worked hard at. I had friends, a community, study that would lead to the career I wanted (and had almost finished my study after lot of hard years of work), I enjoyed my time with the little people and did meaningful activities in the free time I had when I got it. In a instant life exploded and all of that was gone. For a while I was ok and coping but recently the reality of it all has hit and I have sunk. I see myself today, reacting to things like that call in the way that i did, and I wonder how I am even the same person that i was six months ago. I have the same body but inside everything is different.

It feels like I'm barely holding it together and that anything at any moment could tip me over. Little things become massive in a split second. I can see the huge reaction in me and as much as I tell myself to pull myself up, sometimes I just can't and it's like all I can do is ride it out and pick up the pieces after. I'm tired of picking up the pieces though. I want to be normal again. I don't want to celebrate that today I survived and got through. I want to celebrate that today I lived, that I did something with my day.

I have worked on this for years and have a toolbox full of coping strategies. I have professional help and have recently conceded that I need medication so I started that too. Nothing is really helping the fact that I feel like maybe things are so far broken that they're beyond repair. I don't even know if it's worth trying anymore because it feels like I will never be able to get it back. I'm trying to work on accepting that this could just be the way my life is supposed to go, and maybe I will always be someone who nearly made it, but I don't want to accept that either. I'm exhausted from picking up the pieces and trying to put them back together when it feels like I'm fighting a losing battle.

I don't theres much anyone would be able to say to help it feel any better but I think I just needed to put it down and somewhere aside from inside my head this morning. Today is not such a good day.

[Mazarita]

Hi @Former-Member, sorry you had the stressful phone call this morning. I just wanted to say I hear your disappointment and frustration about what has dropped away from your life related to your mental health issues. Also just to remind you that yesterday you were talking of enjoying the day, not just surviving it. I hope the day brings more such enjoyable moments for you to counterract this rough start to the day. 

[Former-Member]

Thanks @Mazarita and you're right. Yesterday there were enjoyable things and remembering that they're still there is important. Feeling tired and blue can cloud the way things are looked at so maybe after a rest things won't feel so broken. Thanks

[Mazarita]

@Former-Member, sending warm virtual hugs for what you are going through today.

[Former-Member]

Hi @Former-Member. 

I understand lots of the feelings of things you wrote. I live with many of the same thoughts especially this is not living. My education and life experiences taught me to reach for the sky but my reality is I dive into the ocean without a life jacket. Sometimes I go under for a bit and don't think I'll resurface, sometimes I tread water and sometimes I swim a few strokes towards shore. It feels like reaching shore wiuld be a huge achievement while all my family, friends and even my kids are reaching for the sky. 

But @Mazarita was right. Today hold onto the good memories and take time for you. Yesterday my day was like yours I think. It was a going under day and I didn't know if I wanted to surface but I kept grabbing air and treading water in between. Today is a bit better. I'm hoping at worst you only have a tread water day but with self care you'll have a day you can swim tomorrow. 

Sending hugs💜🤗

[Former-Member]

Thanks @Former-Member. I'm finding it so painful to be in that place where reaching the shore would be an achievement. I want to reach the sky. I was nearly there and it's so, so far away now I can't even see it anymore. It just hurts so much.

[Dazofoz]

Chin up m8, I know how u feel and FWIW, a common coping strategy for me is always looking for a positive out of a negative and focus on that and how to magnify those supporting strategies, to stay as upbeat as possible.

I'm new to this site but thought i'd just chime in. Poetry is a great method for me to elucidate my thoughts and feelings, while making the story/poem as entertaining as possible to the reader. It's very difficult for me right now, as severe pain inhibits my ability to truly inspire others and myself, let alone enjoy what life has to offer.

Another worthwhile experience for me,is to immerse myself in an unfamiliar environment and be open to different experiences.

Today I'm not aiming high, just to get through the day without depression, anxiety and to manage my pain as much as possible. I'm lucky because I have resigned myself to the fact I need medication and am slowly realising, as I get older that certain things are out of my reach and ability, therefore having to rely on spontaneous stimulation from other trains of thought and exercises.

I'm also lucky to be alive, after 2 serious car accidents. Sometimes simply breathing can be exhilarating and that's a gift all of us take for granted sometimes.

Oh well, got an operation to remove a cyst today. Sort of looking forward to it, as a successful op would provide some closure in a sense.

gotta go....my back's giving me grief so I'll have to sign off for now but look forward to sharing and caring in the future, however long or short that may be.

[Former-Member]

Hi @Former-Member

When I receive an "unexpected blow of stress" or "shock" as you have with the phone call - it can send me into whirlpool of turmoil at that time. It does take awhile to process as the anxiety created just overwhelms pushing me to the edge. I find talking about what occurred with a trust other in detail can help calm me and put things in perspective; but depending on what the news or stress was, the range of severity etc will determine how long I take to find my feet again. Is there anyone you can talk to about this phone call and how it effected you? 

Dont be too hard on yourself as we all have a breaking point - and all we can do is our best. That's enough for success. We only fail in life if we give up.

Life definitely has a way of throwing curveballs that can send our worlds tumbling down. Time and time again for me. This is when I need others the most to help get back on my feet again and it does take time. The hurts, betrayals, mistakes, losses, illness etc were where a heartbreaking blow and my dreams and aspirations went up in smoke and that loss incurred grief. It really does hurt and is healthy to let ourselves cry and process that grief in our own time. If it continues to long that depression develops as a result - that's when professional help can be lifesaving. Good to read you are receiving it.

In my case losing my world and suffering adversity also made me realise what really mattered in life and taught me resilience, determination, compassion and inner fortitude. It made me a better person than when everything was going well. It also taught me that acceptance and resignation of what I can't change, together with making the most of my lot now brings inner peace. So like the above post - I try and take the good from it and build on it and do my best. It's never a losing battle then.

But at  present if you do feel in distress, and feel you are about to tip over at any time please reach out to someone. Don't try and do it alone. We all need additional support sometimes - no one is immune to that. And we will support you here as much as we can until the worse passes. And it will pass.

Surviving today is all that is required so you can go on to celebrate the better days. And they will happen. One day at a time. Tomorrow is a new beginning 🙂

[Former-Member]

Thank you @Former-Member. I really appreciate your words. I guess the intensity passes but maybe not the underlying 'what's the point mentality'. Not yet anyway. I think that comes from having worked through a heap of challenges and getting to that point where I found the good in it. But then for it to have blown up in a way that was so huge I didn't even consider it a possibility, and to end up here like this, it seems to hard to be able to climb out again. I feel so depleted.

As for people to talk to, I haven't got many left after this and it feels like the ones that I do are getting to a point where they're kind of over it and I understand that. My life looks good from the outside considering what's happened and I think it's hard for them to understand how it might look ok but it doesn't feel ok. I know there are people here who will understand how that can be and reading through people's stories and hearing about their experiences helps me see that I'm not completely alone with it all. It sounds like you get it and get the deep sadness that comes with loss. Thank you again.

Hi @Dazofoz and thanks for replying too. Sounds like you've been through a lot. Hope your operstion went well and thanks for sharing what helps you 🙂

[Former-Member]

Your welcome @Former-Member And yes, I do totally get you and relate to the deep sadness of loss. Physical suffering is misery - Grief is the agony and can totally change our lives turning it upside down overnight. Extremely depleting. Sometimes finding the strength to get up and shower was my biggest achievement. 

And recovery time and moving through it varies due to individual circumstances. I had to find a point to start that healing process which is hard when everything is black, but I grabbed onto any small good (even if looking out onto a nice garden), any light and built on it with hope one day at a time. Sometimes moment by moment.

And when knocked down again (one step back which has recently happened), again I look for any good to hang onto, dust myself off and get back on the bike again taking it in my stride. Moment to moment with one foot in front of the other, not focusing on the past or future, just the now. The rest will have to take care of itself.

It's the only way to reach the end destination. And experiencing the feel good moments and connecting with others along the way in mutual caring is the point for me.

When I was in its depths it did start to get too much for others that were close to me so I had to look for other avenues of support also. We are here for you if you ever need to talk to anyone. Hugs 🤗