Lived Experience Forum

[Captain24]

It’s so hard @Birdofparadise8. It’s mentally and physically draining. It feels like there is no relief. It feels like it will be there forever. I have spent so long in that space and thought it would never end and I thought there was only one way out. 

But here I am. I think I have finally reach the other side. It took a longtime but I think I’ve done it. I just want to give you a little bit of hope that it can happen. If I can do it you can too. It just takes time and patience. 

[Birdofparadise8]

Yeah I definitely get what you mean. I feel like there is only that one way out but I know I can’t do it because of my family. If I did they would be so devastated and ashamed of me. I couldn’t let them feel the pain like I feel everyday. I just even hate myself for think about it. It’s so sad to know that’s what I’m willing to do to end the pain. 

Also I’m definitely not thinking of hurting myself in that way tonight. Self harm has crossed my mind but I’ll try my best to not do it. The urge can just get too strong sometimes. 

Good on you for getting through it. It takes a lot of strength @Captain24. 

[Captain24]

It shows what a thoughtful person you are that you think about your family @Birdofparadise8. Could you think of them as a protective factor? 

ooh how I understand the SH urges. I have managed to resist the urges for a couple of months. Now they are just thoughts that I can let pass on by. 

[tyme]

I found life very empty and void but that could have been part of the BPD too @Birdofparadise8 .

Anyway, youtube clips that helped me were:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rCp1l16GCXI

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=phbzSNsY8vc

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=93LFNtcR1Ok

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kv6HkipQcfA

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tzUoXJVI0wo

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XiCrniLQGYc (I had a Black Dog)

The book that helped me was: The Happiness Trap. I'm actually reading it again now.

[Birdofparadise8]

I wish I don’t really think I am. On the other side I just feel as though they would be better off without me or I’m a waste of space. My thoughts are very contradicting.

They are really the only reason I haven’t tried also I don’t even know I could really go through with it anyway. 

I try really hard not the SH but it just gets so hard not to. I do use ice or a rubber band on my wrist but it just doesn’t seem to give the same feeling. 

That’s great your have gone a couple months without doing it I wish I could go a week but I don’t seem able to yet @Captain24. 

[Birdofparadise8]

Great thank you @tyme. I will have a look at them. 

[tyme]

Yes @Birdofparadise8  - I'd be interested to hear your thoughts.

I could resonate with I HAD A BLACK DOG so much that I purchased a few copies of the book. I believe they also have an animation for carers too.

[Captain24]

I get the contradiction and the actual fear. I hear you @Birdofparadise8. I just want to say you are not a waste of space and your family would definitely not be better off without you! 

Fighting the urges came with the little bit of strength I gained while fighting my way through the journey. The strength slowly develops.

[Captain24]

I got the book ages ago @tyme but it was really hard to read at that time. Maybe I should dig it out and try again now my head is in a much better place

[Birdofparadise8]

Ok I’ll look into it @tyme 

You got much on tomorrow?