Lived Experience Forum

[suzanne]

Hello Forumites 🙂

We mods have noticed a recent trend of users making promises to each other to stay safe.  There are wonderful intentions behind this and we clearly see your desire to care for and support one another.  But we are starting to feel a little concerned about this strategy for a number of reasons.

We are concerned that making these promises to one another places pressure on each of you to be unconditionally available to one another in times of crisis.  This isn't any one members responsibility and it may not always be possible/practical/fair/reasonable. You have your own health and commitments to consider amongst all of this.

Safety promises are also quite open-ended and can entail some risk.  Once started, do you need to make new promise to each other every time you are feeling distressed, express SI, or every time you go offline?  Is there some sense of obligation to make a promise in return?  And what happens if you have an extremely tough day and don't feel that you can keep yours?  What does that mean for other members?  We worry that our community will be more at risk if a promise is made that cannot be kept.

So while we appreciate the value in showing that you care for one another, and the intention is nothing but good, there are also a few important things to consider alongside this.  Taking care of ourselves and using the Forums safely this involves respecting each others right to participate or not participate.  To have a day where it would simply be best for us to stay offline.  We fear that these promises could in fact take away your ability to do what you need to do to stay well due to the sense of obligation that has been created. 

We also want to remind everyone that the Forums are not a crisis service, and if a user in in immediate crisis on the Forums, we encourage to contact LifeLine or Suicide Call Back Service to get more immediate support to stay safe.

We're very happy to talk this through and to consider other perspectives so let us know what you think.

[getbetter]

I understand your rules in theory of the forum not being a crisis line, but there are people here who suffer from an almost constant crisis or severe mental illness that do use the forums in times of crisis, I am one, sometimes its just to get a perspective or distraction, and that I have already talked with lifeline, some on the forum have much better insight into a crisis than the phone services or they can can say yes that happens to me, if the moderators feel there is iminent harm intended, then I imagine they can contact the person or send services to them, but I feel many of us are using the service in times of crisis, I would not make promises of safety, yet ironically phone services often say that to me, just promise me this etc, and I object to that because it signifies that person can help if you get worse, but most probably with lifeline at least you will be unlikely to get the same person if you ring again, so the promise can seem a bit empty,

[suzanne]

Thanks for your response @getbetter.  Yes, we absolutely recognise that the forums are used in times of severe distress and they can provide valuable support.  However, the very nature of a peer support forum means that it's not possible to guarantee a particular action by any particular person.  The people you rely on for support may not be online when you most need them.  Which means that if someone is at real risk of self-harm or suicide, so something beyond distressed, the forums aren't the safest option.  That's why we are keen to remind people about more immediate options like Lifeline when they are unsafe. But we also hear the feedback that other services don't always meet those needs either. 

I think this is a very long-winded way of saying that the forums are always an option but not necessarily the best one.  And that yes, promising can seem a bit empty.  And in this context, has the potential to be harmful for the person seeking the promise.  So I think we're agreeing.  In parts at least  🙂

[utopia]

@suzanne. Thank you for raising this topic. I have also been concerned about promises made by one member to another - or by a member asking another to promise.
I don't see this as 'healthy' for our forum or for the individuals.
I'd rather people express their love or support to the individual. Remind them of what wonderful characteristics that we see in them & remind them to contact their support people or lifeline or suicide callback and to implement their care plan or safety plan.
I would hate to see someone feel that another's death was their fault because they weren't on line.
I think it's also important that we remember, that there are many of us on the forums. No one person can or should be responsible for another. Where one person cannot assist - another member can. And there are also the moderators who can respond to posts for members in crisis.

[suzanne]

Thank you @utopia - you've just expressed it much more clearly and succinctly. 

[BlueBay]

I agree with what you wrote @utopia.

[Former-Member]

I'm the elephant in the room that started it. I'm so sorry 😔

[suzanne]

I wasn't aware of where it started but even if that's the case, there's no harm done @Former-Member.  It's just not something that we'd like to become common practice.  As I said, it comes with all the best intentions but that desire to help would be better re-directed to some of the strategies mentioned by @utopia.

[Phoenix_Rising]

I have noticed the trend and it simply puzzles me...but I respect that everyone is different. I choose to stay alive for me. At some point I may choose to end my life, and that will be my choice, which I will do for me. I have no obligation to another person. Maybe it is just that my attachment system is so completely fried from the events of the past 18 months, that I can't imagine having a strong enough connection to someone for that to motivate me to stay alive. So yeah, the trend puzzles me. It doesn't particularly bother me, I just don't get it. But I can see that @suzanne probably has a point that it isn't an ideal common practice.

[Faith-and-Hope]

I think it needs to become a promise to yourself .... to always fight the si for other things that matter more in life, and to do that .... you need to discover their worth ....

Its one thing to ride the waves of despair yourself, but one value of these forums is that when others are riding those same waves, everyone seems to drop their own despair for a moment to encourage and mentor another through it .....

Having felt what it is like to have a forum friend teetering perhaps gives us some insight into what those whom we love, and who love us, are faced with in our own condition ....

Hence the promise to ourselves, made in non-crisis moments, to fight through the crisis for their sakes and for what it means in the bigger picture, beyond the rough surf ....