Lived Experience Forum

[Former-Member]

Did you have any internal conflict about reaching out, and what counter-arguments did you hear?

I made an appointment with a doctor in my area that has a special interest in mental health. I got to a couple of days before the appointment and then cancelled it. 

I don't know if I want to get help. I cancelled my appointment because it is absurd to go to a doctor and say that you're not sure whether you want help.

Getting professional help for your mental illness is a life-changing decision... but it's also really embarrassing. It would make me feel really pathetic. 

I have said this before, but it's difficult to see the victory in seeking help when no-one's cheering you on. No-one's going to acknowledge the sheer bravery that you're about to display. No-one's going to know the difference.

People have said that I should seek extensive professional help before I'm "ready" for a relationship, or "ready" to even begin dating or interact with other human beings. Having Depression and being broken make you unloveable. In fact, untouchable. 

The problem with that idea is, I don't have anyone right now, so the people that know me in the future are going to know me AFTER I've done all this work. It's like I haven't existed until then.

It implies that people can love me, but not as I am. They're going to love someone who didn't exist until I figured out that I wasn't going to be able to survive without medical intervention. What does that say about me? 

Technically, you have to take responsibility for your own health. YOU can acknowledge how brave you are or how far you've come. 

That doesn't seem like a good enough motivation, though. I feel like I'm going to take no joy from getting help. 

To be real, though, doctors and therapists have probably heard that before, so you'll probably start getting your head around that internal conflict pretty quickly once you start treatment.

[TheVorticon]

---

@Former-Member wrote:

Did you have any internal conflict about reaching out, and what counter-arguments did you hear?

---

Always. Constantly. I am ‘getting help’ and yet twice a week my thoughts are hijacked with “actually you don’t really need/deserve help so you need to stop seeing your psychologist.” It’s maddening and torturous all by itself.

My justification for (re)starting was that since things had become worse mentally, I’d become a worse employee at my job and needed to try to make things better so I could concentrate more at work. My justification for continuing is I’ve spent over a decade feeling like crap and not being able to really fix it on my own. If I continue trying to get help, then there’s at least a chance of that changing in the future.

[destructive]

@Former-Member ALL THE TIME! And I've been in some sort of treatment for most part of 15 years. 

On your point about people then meeting you and only liking that you- therapy doesn't change 'you', who you are as a person. You are not your illness! If anything it can help you find who you are underneath all that. It doesn't make life all rosie and sweet. Life is still hard, you can't have the good without the bad (unfortunately).

About making the appointment with the GP when your not sure I wonder if they can help you think through some of those arguments and maybe if there are any barriers they can help with. 

it is hard though, I get it.