Lived Experience Forum

[Lynda]

Hi so I'm going to cut to the basic points of my behaviour that are distressing me to a very depressive state. Firstly my dad is a classic NPD I was abused physically and severely emotionally as a child to the point where now at 19 I hold my breathing in when around him to not frustrate him, I feel to scared to even say "I'm going to the rest room" luckily for me he lives in a different country but as soon as he returns home the fear kicks straight back in.

My behaviour started in grade 6 (as a child around my mum and mums side of the family I was very quiet, happy a people pleaser and caring) in grade 6 I become super possessive over my best friend and would cry and cry if she played with anyone but me. I would call every day to make sure she was coming over so I wasn't left out. Also I used to take a girl in Kindy to the bathrooms and upset her by saying her mum wasn't coming etc then I was comfort her. I did this twice and do not know why.

In year 8 I was very insecure I have a big birthmark on my face so I was really a low self esteem type person. For some reason I started pathologically lying to gain attention, around this time my best friends were self harming so I started doing this I got my first boyfriend and when he noticed the scars I just lost it I loved him caring about me so much I become obsessed with it. I self harmed every day and sent him images, I threatened suicide every single day I caused harm tomyself physically so he would worry I was being abused I would tell lies I would do all kinds of things I was also so controlling and nasty to him. (I was 14) he eventually left me that started years of calls every weekend to the point my number was blocked I would call him crying begging him to come back but he never did. (I still feel something for him sadly)

I moved on the my next partner a year later. With him I was controlling and obsessive always complaining about him just being terrible to be around. I didn't behave the same way I previously did but I would do little things like go to the toilet after every meal so he would maybe think I was bulemic and love and care for me. He didn't notice so I stopped that behaviour. I eventually left him because he did treat me pretty crappy as well as cheated on me. The night I left him I kissed someone - I felt sickened by this and apologised to my ex over and over for moving on so fast. He claimed he loved<br>Me still and wanted me back etc so we got back together he then realised he didn't love me so he left me. I accepted this. I moved on 3 days later.....

The boy I moved onto I am still with and have been for three years. At the beginning I would fake sleep talking to make him think I was cute or funny I would try and jump out of his car to attempt suicide (I was highly intoxicated at this point) I would cry uncontrollably I would test him tell him I cheated when I didn't to see his reaction I would try and make him jealous so much (I was 16) I did all of this within the first few months and then stopped it. I don't know why maybe he proved himself or something. We are very good at the moment although I'm getting bored sadly I've started chatting to my ex casually but I can't seem<br>To break it off with him because I don't want to hurt his feelings. I still am insanely jealous and controlling whenever he goes out with his friends I want to cry and scream but I don't I just turn into a passive aggressive bitch and I feel terrible.

When I was 17 I was mean to my little cousins who was 2 and 4 at the time I used to be abusive toward them not to the extreme but I took advantage that my aunty approved of disipline.  (I babysat them twice a week for 12 hours) I used to tease them just used to stir them up but a few times when i used to be physically abusive (I cant describe because of the forum rules but that title sounds bad it wasnt abusive the children love me to death but i went over board with disipline when it was NOT called for )I cried straight after because I felt terrible. I just used to do mean things to them and I hate myself for this. I don't want to be a sadistic sociopathic monster.

My main concerns as of now are my need for attention, whenever I'm out at clubs I'll try and start fights to seem tough to my Boyfriend (I don't know why deep down I'm nothing like this) I will act as if I'm on drugs every time I'm out for attention it's so extreme that if I see a group of attractive people I will have to stop my car and walk past them just to get noticed or for attention. I hate being centre of attention but I do things for sympathy and attention off men and I hate it. When my Aunty found out she got cancer I was hurt but the first thing I did was call my Boyfriend and make it all about me

My boyfriend feels as if I'm selfish and I agree, I want so bad for him to say hey babe I'm going out and me to genuinely want him to have a good time. I'm scared I'm a sadistic sociopath and will never be able to be helped. I'm terrified I'm a serial k**lleror on my way to being an evil monster I want to tell the police I'm a danger so they will constantly monitor me. I hate myself!!!! I'm so sorry For what I do but my emotions just take control and I end up feeling so bad later

I'm so upset I'm just I have nothing else to say I've probably left stuff out I've probably done more attention seeking stuff because I do it all the time I'm always acting a part and I just want to live a normal life but I can't seem to!! I want to be a good mum one day but I'm pretty sure I'm incapable of love, empathy or compassion... I don't want to live but couldn't do this to my mother. I have so much sympathy I can't see anything suffering even a fish if I go fishing I'll end up crying because I hate seeing things in pain but In my own life I'm a monster. Thanks for any replies in advanceim so alone at the moment.

Ps I'm also very manipulative and jealous with my friends.

[Phoenix_Rising]

Hi @Lynda, I just replied to you...but now I realise I did it on the carers forum. Here, I'll copy and past my response - hopefully this works...

Hi @Lynda, It's nice to meet you. If it is any comfort to you "sociopath" isn't actually a diagnosis - it's just a term that gets tossed around in society. I am wondering if you have ever heard of borderline personality disorder (BPD)? There is some good information here on the SANE site about it. Complex PTSD and reactive attachment disorder (RAD) are some other things you might want to do a bit of research on. It would be absolutely totally inappropriate for anyone on the forums to offer any sort of diagnosis to you - you would want to see a mental health professional for that. I'm just wondering if reading about some mental health conditions might be useful. I mean, it MIGHT be the case that you are pure evil...or it might be the case that the behaviours you describe are a normal reaction to the abnormal situation of childhood abuse. I hope to see you around more on the forums.

[Lynda]

Hi @Phoenix_Rising
Thanks for your response. I've been in therapy for 6 month and have been diagnosed with RAD but it's not possible for me to have that now as I'm 19.. and I didn't have it as a baby my mum and I were reading the symptoms and she didn't agree with any of it although I started experiencing problems from year 6. yes I have read a lot on BPD I'm not very angry and I have never split anyone without good reason. Well I don't think I am PURE evil since people who are pure evil without any good in them at all probably wouldn't be concerned. I'm just worried about ASPD which is actually the term now for sociopathy. But I have no issue with authority and have never been in trouble with the law or qbused any animal etc.

I don't want to be evil so I hope that's not what you think? Or were implying.

[Phoenix_Rising]

@Lynda, I agree that someone who is pure evil without any good in them at all probably wouldn't be concerned. So it sounds like you've answered your own question about whether you are pure evil . I have BPD. I went through a brief phase of wondering if I had ASPD which as you say is the correct term for sociopathy. However, someone pointed out to me that the fact that I feel bad about some of the chaotic stuff I've done, immediately rules out ASPD. It sounds like you may be in a similar position????

I had never heard of RAD until a few years ago when someone asked me what (if any) connection I saw between RAD and BPD. After reading up on RAD, I am of the opinion that BPD is the adult manifestation of untreated RAD.

When reading up about diagnoses, it's important to remember that virtually no individual will have every trait of a disorder. Also, if a person doesn't tick enough boxes to actually get a diagnosis, they can still have something like, say, BPD-traits.

Anyway, irrespective of what, if any, diagnosis you have, it sounds like you have ruled out "pure evil" with your own clear rational argument.

Oh and you asked if I was implying something in my post? I have asperger's syndrome. I don't imply stuff. I say what I mean and I mean what I say...and it super hurts my brain that other people don't do likewise. So no, please don't think I was implying anything - I actually don't know HOW to imply anything.

[Lynda]

@Phoenix_Rising thank you for your response. Yes I agree, although I have a fantastic mother my dads abuse still haunts me so I really do wonder if I have complex PTSD or strong BPD traits I even though HPD for a while.

I'm just so terrified about not caring about others feelings but I do think this means I desperately want
To be a good person someone with ASPD may not.

My main upset is what I did to my baby cousins I mean 10/12 hours is a lot for someone with anxiety/depression to cope with two naughty kids but I didn't need to be cruel and I've been so upset about that and never ever did it again.

No I thought you meant you thought I was pure evil, I probably read your response wrong so sorry about that.

I also obsessed over having
Bipolar, schizophrenia and NPD for so long. Anyway I agree with what your saying and I just wish my issues were handled back then but maybe I was to young to realise they were problems.

Kind regards!!!

[Mazarita]

Hi @Lynda,

How distressing it must be for you to be obsessing over the possibility of various diagnoses applying to you. I'm sure my sense of identity and inner security would be very disturbed by that. At the same time, you seem to know that something is not right and it's great that you are in therapy. Just wondering... does your therapist know you obsess over different diagnoses? I believe it's only psychiatrists and clinical psychologists who specialise in diagnosis. Is your therapist either of these? Sounds like you are wanting some definitive answers and it may be worth letting your therapist know if you disagree or want more information on your diagnosis. Are you able to talk about this with them?

[Lynda]

@Mazarita thank you for your helpful reply!
Yes she is a clinical psychologist I've told her absolutely everything and she will not diagnose me due to my past trauma she thinks I am reacting or copying
My fathers ways but it's feeling unnatural and distressing to me as I'm not the one with his disorder she also thinks I cause chaos because I'm so used to a chaotic environment.

I am really trying with the kids to change
My ways and I am being so much more patient although it is hard to not be snappy. My sense of identity has been totally ruined so yes it is very sad.

To finish I think my therapist is hesitating to give me a diagnosis because I've obsessed over having so many different things that she thinks this is just another obsession if that makes sense?

I was thinking of visiting someone else and not mentioning that I obsess over mental illness so maybe they'll look into my behaviour properly not just my anxiety. Or maybe I'll start the anxiety meds and when it doesn't take away the problems they will look into other issues?

[Mazarita]

@Lynda, yes it does make sense what you say about your psychologist not wanting to diagnose you because you are obsessing about it. She is probably trying to get you past that obsession. Perhaps one issue is that, if you were to get a fixed diagnosis, you may identify too much with it (if that makes sense). However, I too might very well be frustrated if I was in your position. And it is up to you to decide whether you are satisfied with your therapist's answer about diagnosis. One option may be to visit your GP and ask for a referral to a psychiatrist for a diagnosis. This could be just one or two sessions or it could be ongoing. Seeing both a psychologist and a psychiatrist at the same time is not unusual and can be complementary to treatment.

I hesitate a little about mentioning the psychiatrist though because I don't want to interfere in any way with what you are doing with your psychologist. It sounds like you have good trust with her and are otherwise happy with the treatment.

[Lynda]

Yes I agree with you @Mazarita I would obsess over it and I would think I was co-morbid to everyone else. But it would be to also put a label to the feelings I feel and past behaviours that embarrass and confuse me.

No I have wanted to do that so it's a great point I would love to see my current therapist and talk to a psychiatrist.. I actually spoke to one about a month ago and she said my main issues now are OCD anxiety related and if there's anything underlying which for some reason she doesn't think there is we can treat is adter the anxiety but I don't want to treat my anxiety because my family and friends all think I'm just depressed and anxiety and it's sad for me to then say no I'm messed up etc 😞 and I do not want to be Co morbid with ASPD!

Anyway one step at a time, I'm waiting for my health insurance to go through so I can start an out patient program maybe.

Thank you again!!!

[Mazarita]

@Lynda, from what you have written, I would suggest your mind could rest easy about ASPD. I don't think anyone here is inclined to think that's what's going on with you. I understand your reluctance with your family, but having a different diagnosis does not mean you are 'messed up'. It's just a different description of issues that you are having with or without diagnosis. It sounds to me like it might be better to treat the OCD anxiety as was suggested to you, so that you might get better. This seems like a better option than staying silent about it, not get treated and having to live with what you are going through with no relief. I need to go offline now but hope you are able to get some relief from the obsessive and disturbing thoughts about this. If possible, it could be good to go for a walk and/or find some distractions. Try to be gentle with yourself for the rest of the day.