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Senior Contributor

Fathers Day

Hi guys- How's everyone doing? I am feeling horrible about Father's Day 

I f I contact my dad- I will most definitely be severely triggered & re-traumatised- & then spiral into severe depression. As is always the case. 

If I do not contact my dad I will feel sooooo guilty - it will just be so bad. 

As I feel he might not have much longer to live- I cannot bare the guilt.

why do I as the victim of child abuse & lifelong abuse feel guilty for not contacting my abuser. ? 

The last time my dad was brought up was a few months ago when my uncle passed away & he being the only family member to have my phone number did not call to tell me of my uncles Death or inform me of the funeral arrangements- so I didn't get to go to my uncles funeral- which was unbearable & broke my heart & I spiralled into severe depression as a direct result of. 

I feel like such a loser. I just feel so sad. 

9 REPLIES 9

Re: Fathers Day

Hi @Serenity1 ,

I'm sorry fathers day make you worry like this.  Maybe you can call him and do it that way.  At least that way you have made contact with him and not put yourself in a more diffucult position. 

 

It takes a lot of courage to even think about contacting your abuser and you certainly shouldn't feel guilty about anything.  You are the victim in this.  The fact that he didn't call you about your Uncle indicates to me that he is a coward and probably afraid of what he did to you. 

 

I think the main thing is to take care of yourself and not put yourself in a position of danger or feeling triggered by him.  You also have to consider your daugher and you need to be there for her.  It might feel horrible to do it, but, it could also be the best thing for you. 

 

Anyway I hope you can make a decision that you are comfortable with Serenity1.

 

Take care of yourself. Heart

Re: Fathers Day

Hello @Serenity1 

I am devastated to hear how you were treated by your paternal father..

As I am every time I hear of such events by whomever..

I do know people who live with this..

I am horrified and cannot find any justifiable explanation for this to occur...

 

There are mothers and fathers, mums and dads and other terms used these days.

 

Your father was not a dad for you...for whatever reason before..

he was not a dad for you..

you owe him nothing..

you certainly do not owe him the exhausting emotion of guilt as you have done nothing..

 

Your Uncle in whatever form he becomes will know of your love and releases you from any unbearable feelings of not getting to his funeral..

funerals are important..

what is most important is what is in your heart and you have that in your heart so you have failed noone at all..

Yes you feel sad...grief...loss..

yes depression is not our friend...I know this only too well..

 

Let me tell you this though,, hand on heart you are not a loser...

You are a worthy human being this I know from reading your words...

grief counselling or counselling for victims if you are not already undertaking this path will help you deal with such overwhelming feelings at this time...your gp can put you on a medicare plan at no cost to you..

 

having said all of the above ..you are extremely  brave for writing this post...there are many many who are not able to put into words their feelings...

Father's day, mother's day,, western world buy your parent an appliance rubbish...not diminishing anyone who believes in this...

Celebrate those in your life who respect and show you love..

celebrate life as nature shows us if you are up to this of course..

I respect how difficult this might be for you...I do not know...I do respect ..

Nurture yourself...you deserve self love the same as every one of us...

💜

ps I hope that I have not sounded too intense as I am prone to with my deep personality..

Re: Fathers Day

Hi @Serenity1 

im sorry to read what your dad did to you and how Father’s Day is triggering. 

I agree with @Sophia1 @Gazza75  you are very worthy and loved. 

You need to look after yourself. 

I do understand. I was abused by my brother, uncle and neighbour. I don’t think I could ever talk to my brother again. 

It’s very difficult. If I were you I couldn’t see or call my dad. 

You don’t need to be triggered again 

hope you’re ok 

Hugs xxxx

 

Re: Fathers Day

 

@ sophia1 

@Serenity1 @feel for you, give yourself permission to let go of your biological father... he resigned from the role the first day he abused you.

Without an apology / remorse you owe nothing. 

Father's Day is such a commercial thing that preys on our vulnerable inner child.

'Social Norms' are so shallow. 

These anniversary dates trigger alot of people,  you are not alone with this.

The way I see it...

Its a MAJOR LOSS... 

You lost the dad you loved the day he stopped treating you as a daughter. 

Thatl innosent pure love you had for yourydad, and needed to have, suddenly had no safe place to go anymore, so you  grieve... (ever studied the grief process... "shock, anger, denial, bargaining, acceptance"... sound familiar?).

All this unwanted inner turmoil and somehow we're expected to go against every cell in our body and play 'happy families' Even  reward our abusers! 😲 He doesn't deserve a commercial trophy, he is not a good father, and this is NOT YOUR FAULT!  

It angers me

Maybe you  could send a sympathy card or something :/

.Actually, send one to yourself - you lost your dad a long time ago 😢. 

Sorry if I'm confronting, I'm hurting for / with you as I'm still a silenced victim... i better go before I breech guidelines...

Be gentle with yourself today🌷

 

Dec
Senior Contributor

Re: Fathers Day

Hi @Serenity1 

 

I am sorry to hear how traumatising all of this is for you - and you are not a loser and not to blame

 

No need to feel guilty either - 

 

We have no control over the way other people behave - we only have control over ourselves and you deserve better than all the suffering you have had. I remember when your uncle died and your father didn't let you know - I am pretty sure it was you - and how heart-broken you were -

 

It is heart-breaking - I hope today passes the best it can and tomorrow is better - next year maybe send a cheap card to ease your own heart and leave it there

 

Sending best thoughts

 

Dec

Re: Fathers Day

Hello @EOR 

 

You wrote such a caring, heartfelt response.

Very brave as I read your words that you are still a silenced victim..

I am sorry to confuse you...I know several people who have been abused by relatives or family friends..

I am not one of those...

I had a very close relationship with my dad who passed away 20 years ago this month.

 

You were not to know this..

You have not upset me in the least..

I feel very much for yourself and @Serenity1 who started this thread.

You might like to talk to her or you might feel that you have responded in kind and that is enough for you..

either way ...you can both read each others posts..

 

The grief process I have read before a very long time ago..

Thank you for reminding me though as I am experiencing grief at many different levels for several close friends and family members..

Reading again the different stages of grief not always experienced in that order ..not experienced at all by some..

It is a form of self-care to read those words ...so thank you @EOR 

 

Sophia

Re: Fathers Day

@Gazza75 @Sophia1 @Dec @EOR @BlueBay  hi guys! 💖 Thankyou so much for your very kind & thoughtful messages I really appreciate them- I have read them all & they made me feel very thankful to have such kind people who take  time out of their day to send kind words to make me feel better. I will have to reply tomorrow when I get a chance properly as I am feeling really sleep deprived & have my daughter here atm. But thanks so much for your kindness. It has really helped a lot xxx

Re: Fathers Day

Oh sorry @Sophia, the post was intended for Serenity1 sorry, don't know how I stuffed up again, accept maybe fat fingers selecting the tag dropdown. I went back immediately just now to tag Serrnity1 in (hi there). Thanks Sophia for being kind about it 💗 Tell me, how's Father's Day for you 20yrs on? I ask because my dad has been in care for a year now, with mod dementia & poor mobility, at 85yrs. I could lose him any day, kinda feels I already have with him not remembering me most visits. I miss talking to my dad who was always so level headed before this disease. Anyway, thanks for bringing this to my attention, and not being offended, phew! 💜💕

Re: Fathers Day

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No worries @Serenity1  you get some rest, today is nearly over. 😴 Fresh start tomorrow  🌷@

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