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Something’s not right

Anon4
Senior Contributor

Everything's fine until it's not *TW: ED, SH

I'm lying in bed, not motivated to eat though I'm very hungry. I don't have body image issues, and I don't do anything unhealthy around eating other than... just not engaging in the activity at times. I periodically lack motivation and executive functioning, which makes preparation and eating only sometimes-activities for me.

 

The lack of motivation is such that I would like to hurt myself in a way I haven't done for years. Bring on the dopamine! I won't name it because I know it could hurt others reading this, but it's the most common/stereotypical way people hurt themselves. I wasn't all that imaginative when I started on this journey.

 

I have work tomorrow but my brain has checked out and I'm not sure if anything short of a crisis could move it; Vanya from The Umbrella Academy style crisis. Brain hacks, of which I have devised many, are losing their power on me as I grow older and cognitively tireder. The power will come back, but in the meantime, I have worldly commitments that I don't love responding to with "maybe later, my feelings are bigger than me again"?

 

And hey, maybe the power won't come back this time. Maybe I'll just lie here forever next to a nutella donut that keeps telling me to eat it, but it's three inches away from my body, which is three inches too many. The nutella donut does not understand. Also, I'm thirsty, but water is next door to my bedroom, so water DEFINITELY does not understand.

 

Meanwhile... I'm stuck. I don't think this is a cry for help, as I don't think anything can help. Solidarity won't. There are no practical actions to be taken other than to suck it up. Reframing my perspective is my best bet. Hack number infinity, might give me a couple of days' reprieve. Bring it.

5 REPLIES 5

Re: Everything's fine until it's not *TW: ED, SH

@Anon4 

You write beautifully. So articulate and descriptive. I was there with you, in bed, looking at the donut with a craving thirst and wishing I could suck on the bathroom tap without moving.

 

I have seen my man in the state you are in. I bring him food and feed him myself if needs must. Chocolate. I can usally get chocolate into him if nothing else. I line up water bottles all around him in the bed. I have, once, bathed him like a child in the bath when he hadn't showered in two weeks.

 

I have had depression, post natal, so I've had fleeting glimpse of the abyss but cannot even begin to understand the crippling ennui I have seen my loved one endure. 

 

At the moment he is manic and his highs are irritable, not creative or productive. We lurch from one outrageous tantrum to the other but even these are preferable to the lows.

 

Like the water and the donut I do not understand, not really, but I wanted to let you know how well you write . You already know that, don't you?

Re: Everything's fine until it's not *TW: ED, SH

Thanks. I do know I write well. I'm ready to live well. It just costs more energy than I have.

 

Thanks for doing those things for your husband. Don't forget to fill your own cup, too. Also, you may know about the NDIS.

 

I got water and ate the donut. Worked for 2.5 hours today. I don't know if I can keep clawing myself out of the executive dysfunction like this.

 

I'm not sad or anxious, my brain is just done living in a neurotypical world. People being socially strange and noticeably autistic/ADHD get shat on by society, and people who fight their neurology to fit in burn out. Hi.

 

My brain is turning into a brick, and bricks aren't known for sending neural messages to whatever receptors and making consistently functional movement happen.

 

There has to be a middle ground. There has to be. I don't have the right to dominate the social narrative, but neither does anyone else. Nobody asked to exist, we're all just products of other people's sexual activity (cheers, olds). It shouldn't hurt so much to fill a water bottle.

 

It was a good donut.

Re: Everything's fine until it's not *TW: ED, SH

He and his two boys are also on the spectrum, all three very different from each other and worlds away from boring N-typ me..... or are they? am I? Who knows? I don't make friends easily but can talk to any stranger very effectively for a half an hour or so before I have to lay down for a bit. I'm terribly impressive when you first meet me but stagger rapidly downhill once I start to care about your opinion.

 

I had never heard of nutella donuts. When you are filling a water bottle, fill three and you will be surprised what a difference it will make for the rest of the day.

 

A lot his bipolar episodes are triggered by the N-typs not responding to him, or events, the way his aspy brain thinks knows they should. 'tis a heady combination.

 

Because his brain hasn't quite got the hang of "my turn/your turn" in converstion (he's only 60, give him time) he thinks people are interrupting him while they don't realise the 5 second pause is him re-ordering the words of the next sentence several times until it's perfect.

 

His older son lacks empathy so has quite a happy life, blissfully unaware that his peers think he's really wierd. He has a girlfriend though, who is also wierd and they are delightfully wierd together.

 

The younger one as a very hard time at school - get's shat on as it were. The younger one thinks  way too much for a boy of his age (15). I played him Hannah Gadsby's latest video to give him solace.

 

And I have learnt that it actually matters very much which way up the teaspoons are facing in the drawer.

Re: Everything's fine until it's not *TW: ED, SH

Read about the differences between females and males with autism if it interests you.

 

The people jumping into his 5-second gap need to cool it imo. If he craps on forever, then I guess that's another example of needing middle ground.

 

I'd be interested to know what a middle ground with your teaspoon drawer would look like.

Re: Everything's fine until it's not *TW: ED, SH

@Anon 

 

I have read a little about gender differences between people on the spectrum and so has he which is why he tries to put me there too. I think he just wants company. I should revisit it though.

 

He craps on forever and usually about the same thing. Usually things he cannot change by the simple act of verbal abuse. Ever the optimist...........

 

Teaspoons have no middle ground, they are correct or they are not.

 

There are two types of teaspoon which don't have to be separated, but if they are not he goes around behind me fixing them like he does with many other things that I didn't realise were wrong until I met him. He is messy with his own things, it's only mine that need to be in the order he requires.

 

I think it's about control.

 

I hope you are well and that the water and donuts are more understanding today.

x

 

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