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Something’s not right

Senior Contributor

Can't deal

Hi guys


First post in a fair while due to taking a break from the internet but I need help.

I miscarried about a week ago and I haven't told anyone not even my partner. I felt like I was handling it well until my sister told me that she pregnant with number 5 and then it was like being hit with a bus. I feel bad for not being happy for her but I also don't know how to, all I feel is jealousy and anger because she only ever wanted one or two kids and she is now going to have a fifth even though she only just gave birth in January. I wanted a big family and while I'm grateful for my little boy I really want another but this is my ninth miscarriage since 2013 


Re: Can't deal

@BabyDragon  Hi BabyDragon and my condolences for your loss. I am going to tell you something very personal. I have had many miscarriages in the past but still managed to have 3  children. However, son2 later on showed to have autism, epilepsy, mild intellectual delay and schziophrenia .... he hates his life, hates not being like everyone else and his problems have changed my life forever. 


Now here is the personal bit and people will be shocked when I say this (they may think I am an awrful person too)  but I will say it anyway so that hopefully you will get some comfort on having only one child (atm). There are times where I wish not only for son2's sake but the rest of the family (who have all been scarred by his problems) had miscarried at birth. I love my son don't get me wrong but things happen for a reason and if you miscarried there was a good reason so try not to mourn to long and be thankful for your healthy and well son. Love always greenpea xxxx


Re: Can't deal

Hi @greenpea 


I don't think your an awful person everyone has their own individual judgements and while I feel sad for you feeling this way I understand it to


My mother is very distant from me and three of my siblings because of the reminder we represent of her past living with her rapist step father. 


She seems better connected to the youngest 2 but at the same time my autistic brother who is the youngest of us 4 shares his own connection with our mother due to his disability making it seem as though he is the closest to her.


I was in foster care and had just turned seven my mother was talking to the social worker and I remember her saying that she wasn't coming to visit me any more as it's too hard. I didn't see her for six months and it was only because she heard I had been physically and sexually abused by a carer 


I have thought about being a foster carer but my mi needs to be stable for a minimum of two years but ideally three and Ive barely been 6months stable


Re: Can't deal

Hugz @BabyDragon 

I have never miscarried but I can see how it would hurt, in many ways.


Your sister will have her hands full and stuggle in her own way.  Life always demands everything we have to give.  Its lovely you are thinking of being a foster carer and how you can "give back".  I thought about it too for a couple of years, but decided against it because my hands were full with my son.  I accept that as the right thing for me, and I do other things ... being at the zoo has been good for me with animals, other vollies and staff and dealing with all sorts of family groupings.

Feelings are funny things ... I had a feeling of anger at a cousin who does foster care ... its not acting out negative stuff ... that is important.

Take Good Care of YOU.

Smiley Happy


Re: Can't deal

thank you @greenpea for sharing. You're a generous being.

hi @BabyDragon I hope you find the forums a helpful and supportive place. You're welcome here.


I never had children and now I'm in my mid 40's I feel it's for the best as I am very mentally unwell on a daily basis and struggle at the best of times to be a good cat owner. My cat is often very ill and it is so emotionally draining & stressful I say to the vet, "I'm glad I didn't have children as I couldn't take the stress". I feel like I was the mother with my mother & father, I had to be the adult while they were totally out of control and mean and unstable and demanding. It is only as an adult that I am able to have my own time and energy for me. Even when I see my mum now I feel totally exhausted & like I've been supporting an unwell, out of control child. It is a huge burden on a child to have a mentally unwell parent, you don't really get to have a childhood. In my opinion, your sister is excessive in having 5 children, that is way more than the planet can support from an environmental perspective - how will there be enough water and electricity to support a good life for them? Maybe you can concentrate your energy and positivity on your existing off-spring and turn a blind eye to your sister, you don't want to compete with her just out of sibling rivalry. My sister has 3 kids, my other sister has 2, my psychotic brother has 1 and I think that's too much. I choosed to be just a good citizen and to try to take each day as it comes with grace and with minimal environmental impact 'cos maternally speaking I care about the planet a lot.

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