Lived Experience Forum

[sleepyboboes]

I have been out of work for about 6 months and was on reduced hours for over 12 months before quitting. I have experienced a toxic environment in almost every workplace and have selfish neighbours, selfish family and friends who have little time in their busy lives for me.
I have had depression and anxiety for my whole life caused by domestic abuse. I also have a number of chronic physical illnesses. I feel like I have never been able to get anywhere in life despite completing a master's of science, being recognised for my positive contributions at work, being able to make friends and keep them and having a 20+ year relationship.
Now it seems I am surrounded by people's selfishness. When I finally get up the mental and physical strength to try and do anything I seem to be blocked.

Examples
A neighbour who smokes causing cigarette smoke to come into my flat and makes my clothes stink. This is against the building laws but because I can't prove the exact individual is doing it I am stuck.

I am scared to try and get a job because of mentally illness description, having to give a reason for unemployment, having to put up with the work environment where it seems to be all expections and no help.

My partner now says he has a passion for his work and uses that as an excuse for not participating in anything else in life.
...
My life has been 40 years of struggling through hell only to feel like a failure because I can't and don't want to deal with society anymore. No treatment has work for my mental illness.
I can't see any reason to try to get healthy or to go on living and have been planning suicide my frequently.
Is there any reason to live? For any kind person I find there seems to be an overwhelming number of selfish people controlling all aspects of life.

[Zoe7]

Hi @sleepyboboes and welcome to the forum. 

It certainly seems like things are really tough for you at the moment - and have been for a long time. I am really sorry to hear that!

It does feel sometimes like the world is closing in on us and we can't see any positivity or any future. This is the case for so many of us here at different times.

But what does get us through and help us to find a little light in every day is the wonderfully caring, supportive and compassionate people here on the forum.There are many people with similar experiences and similar thoughts as you - so you are not alone. 

Here people will listen without any judgement and will share their own experiences and knowledge.

I hope you find the forum to be not only a supportive and welcoming environment but also a safe place to share and discuss your own situation.

Zoe 

[Former-Member]

Hi @sleepyboboes 

Welcome to the forums, I hope that being here helps you, as it has me. It's hard to know where to start when you ahve so much going on in different areas of your life. I have struggled in some similar ways in the past. Im glad that you have reached out here, so that hopefully you will feel less alone in all that you are going through!

I can also empahtise with not wanting to deal with society anymore! There are some elements tot he world/people that I just can't understand, not sure i want to understand and just see suffering of so many. 

I can only imagine how frustrating it must be about the smoke coming up into your flat... even as a past smoker i now hate the smell of smoke (even though i often also feel like i would like one!)... I have no ideas for how to get around that!

It sounds frustrating/hurtful that your partner seems to be wrapped up in their own things/work that doesnt really leave time for shared experiences and goals together.

I became really unwell a few years ago and hit rock bottom and couldnt work... but after taking a year off i was ready to try again, but it was really hard. A lot of my fears about what people would think because of my MI were unfounded back then though i've had some difficulties since. But just going about doing my thing and ignoring stuff seems to be working most of the time...

Hope that is all ok,

LJ

[sleepyboboes]

Thank you for your responses @Zoe7 and @Former-Member

[Zoe7]

You are welcome @sleepyboboes. I hope you are finding your way around the forum ok - if you have any questions just tag one of us in and we'll try to help you.

Zoe

[getbetter]

hello @sleepyboboesI have been going through my own extreme want to not continue for about 4 days now, as explained in another thread i have had a preoccupation with it life long, I have been trying to do things that distract me, but i was just doing brain surgery and still had the thoughts, sorry a little humour on how hard it can be to distract yourself even with complex tasks, I have a theory that dopamine plays a bigger roll in mental illness than commonly accepted and I was just reading some information saying low dopamine seems to be a cause of suicidal thinking, low thyroid function may also do it,  the drugs that have worked best for me are dopaminergic drugs but the dopamine system very quickly down regulates (tolerance) so that needs to be managed, I can not recomend particular drugs because most are strictly controlled, and highly abusable, but you could google a bit more on dopamine and suicidal thinking, there are some saying suppliments help, weight lifting , and a fast breathing yoga method increase dopamine levels, I do not know how effective they are. its i believe another reason for people for whom all these systems are working properly not being able to comprehend how we can have the morbid thoughts we do

[Ellu]

Dear sleepyboboes,

I can't begin to imagine the awful times you have had in your life. It is terrible to be stuck in a situation like glue, and to have one bad thing happening after another. I am thinking of you this morning.

I am 63 and have had bi-polar disorder for 47 years. As you can imagine I have had many of the ups and downs that you have. I am fortunate, however, to have 4 adult cihildren who are a wonderful support.

Please don't consider suicide. I think of suicide every day, but then a thought crosses my mind or something catches my eye and I realise that despite this life is precious.Go outside right now and look at the clouds. See how they move in patterns? Look at the tree leaves. They are all the same, but each individual leaf is different. Try to make time for yourself every day to do one activity you enjoy. Go down the sreet for a cup of coffee; take a walk around a local park; ring up a friend; draw or write in a journal. What I am trying to say is that despite everything you are connected to the world, and even in the middle of great misery you can find that connecion to life,

Stay with us on the forums, we are a welcoming community and share many of your problems. It is helpful to speak to someone. Do you have a health care profesional? (GP, counsellor, psychologist. psychiatrist). A GP can refer you to someone to look after you. All the best,

Ellu

[Former-Member]

hi @sleepyboboes 

how are you going now?

[sleepyboboes]

I'm really not good

to honest I'm over being told what to do by doctors that don't listen and can't recommend a treatment that is effective 

😤☹️😫

Ive posted a request for recommendations for treatment by clinics/hospitals 

[Sahara]

Hi @sleepyboboes,

are you seeing a counsellor or psychologist? Doctors are really good, up until a point, but they don't have the time to sit with you and delve deeply into your issues. They often are more concerned with prescribing medication.  

I found talking to a counsellor to be a great release. Especially if you feel that other people are selfish and don't have time for you. It was always a good feeling to get everything that was bothering me off my chest to a counsellor, knowing that it was confidential and that they would give me an unbiased opinion on what I was going through.

I can relate to what you said about toxic workplaces. I agree. I think the world is now in the thralls of global capitalism and all any company or business cares about is making a profit. Employees are just faceless numbers now, used and abused while the profits are rolling in. As soon as you don't tow the line, for whatever reason, you are jettisoned!

I dunno, as sad as it is, you have to try and make the system work for you, somehow. Keep shopping around for a good deal at work. Never assume anything. Protect yourself. Don't disclose your MI and then just pretend you took just six moths off to do independent research for a book you are writing, or something like that. At least that will make you sound interesting! (not that you aren't interesting ) Make a positive into a negative. A lot of employers would love the opportunity to take a break form work, just to do something creative for their own benefit, so they will be able to relate to the story of 'writing a book'. It is only a small white lie. 

As far as your partner is concerned, perhaps you could discuss the best ways to approach him with a counsellor? It sounds like he is a workaholic. I guess most workaholics don't know that they have a problem- it's an addiction. Think of something he loves to do and suggest that the two of you do it together- like playing golf or wahtever his thing happenes to be. It might be enough to entice him away from work, just for the day. Then you can have a chance to talk. 

By the way, yes, generally people are selfish. You be selfish too, and look after yourself. Get some ongoing support form a professional.