Lived Experience Forum

[LivingaBPDLife]

Ok this is my first time posting in a forum, so, not sure is this is right.

I have been dealing with depression for over half my life, and was diagnosed with BPD about 6 months ago. Everything is beginging to make sense now I have the correct diagnosis, but I have continued on a downward spiral, question myself over every choice I've made. I am on meds for depression and seeing a psychologist and also have a case worker to help me deal with it all. I live with my partner of 8 years and our 3 kids in my hometown, close to the only family support I've ever had. My partner is struggling with my diagnosis, and looking after the kids on my off days. He also started a small business 18 months ago. He resents my illness, and my family, even though he doesn't say those words.

We have been arguing every other day for almost the last 12 months, and it's just getting worse. Now he has decided he wants us all to move 500km away from here, and I just don't know if I can do that.
The only benefit I can see is the rent is cheaper. For him and the girls they will be close to his parents, who are nice enough, but I am not very close too.
I want to be all for this, I want to be there and support him, as I feel so guilty that he has unwittingly become my carer. But I don't know if I am strong enough, or ready to make such a big choice. He is at the point of saying maybe we just call it quits completely. That he will just take the kids and move there anyway. I just don't know what to do. Do I give it all and move towns? Or do I just say this is the end? He blames me most days that I am not doing my job as a mother, and that I am making his life harder, which is the truth, but it hurts. If he leaves, I lose my kids and my partner. If I go with him, I lose my support network of family, friends and professionals. And before saying, he is my parnter, he should be my main support, he has already said he can't cope and deal with it all.

Thanks for any help

[marchhare]

Hi LivingaBPDLife

Welcome to the SANE forums. It is Marchhare here, one of the forum moderators. I am glad you have posted and what you have done is right. I am sure you will get a lot of support and good advice from the forum members.

Take care and thank you for joining us.

[Mazarita]

Hi @LivingaBPDLife,

Welcome to the forum. Your post is totally fine, no worries there.

I'm sorry you are living with such a difficult family dynamic and now seem to be now at a crossroads in life. Wondering if you have been able to talk to any family, friends or doctors/therapists about what you are going through. Have you received any advice from those that know you best?

Although I have no direct personal experience of BPD, I know well the experience of chronic depression and mood swings (I have bipolar). It is such a pity your partner is unable to find more understanding of your condition. I also know the feelings of guilt that can come of a partner or companion becoming a carer when that was never what you intended to happen. 

I'm hoping that some others will reply to you later. Mainly I just wanted to respond as quickly as possible to your post so that you know you are being heard.

[pip]

Hi @BPD Life. The situation you're in is a difficult one. No 1 Do you move away from your supportive team and allow your partner to be your main support network? He's already said he can't cope or deal with it? How much does he understand about BPD? If he is sort of impatient about your illness and need for support/meds etc, this move will put more strain on both of you. How about suggesting some time away from where you are living, say a month or so as a type of trial basis, to see if he can cope? You know how much support you need, he obviously has no real idea or knowledge. If you can temporarily move away on a trial basis, he may realize how much you need the support you have. This way, you don't lose the home you have and hopefully your partner will realize the seriousness of your illness. Because he has never had to cope alone, it is easy for him to stand on the outer and make a judgement call. Also get some literature re: BPD so he may take the time to learn a bit more about it. Often lack of knowledge means outsiders are ignorant about mental health. Because they can't feel it, it doesn't exist.