Hi eudemonism, Mohill and Adek...
I am new to this forum thing so forgive me while i get the hang of it.
You ask how my thoughts, actions and feelings are. Well I guess at the moment I am trying to get them to let me come to terms with being diagnosed with schizophrenia affective dissorder. It came as a bit of a shock to actually see those words in black and white in front of me but i'd known myself not to be "normal" for the best part of the last decade, but I had done my best to soldier on, ignore the warning signs, pretend i was o.k and not let people know that I had the illness. I wanted to fight the diagnosis because to me a diagnosis of schizophrenia would mean I life of being called 'crazy', being treated like a third class citizen and perhaps being taken advantage of.
You ask how I am managing? I am managing to listen to only the good voices and trying to block out the bad ones. The medication has not made both the good and bad voices go away but has allowed me to take back some control over them. i.e. i dont feel completely controlled by them or so hurt by what they say. I hope all of this doesn't sound too weird to anyone. This forum is for people like us so I am sure its not coming across as to weird to like minded people.
I too can relate to what you are saying about gettting into negative patterns or cycles of thinking. I find it very difficult to get out of a routine of thinking in a certain way about a certain thing. This is because of the voices that I hear. Although they are not all bad I suppose. One of my voices nagged and nagged me until I gave up smoking. Pretty funny sounding comical voice too. I guess giving up smoking after 18 years is a positive consequence of mental illness if caused by one of the voices that i hear? Pretty funny in a way. She (the female voice) or "J" as I refer to her is quiet pleased with herself now and less nagging. Although she does now attack me when i think about having a cigarette though. I just giggle at her.
There are other bad voices. Male. One i refer to as "T" is very negative about my appearance. Always telling me to lose weight and that I'm ugly and fat etc. There are others. One is an artist who critises my drawing skills or lack there of all the time. He gets annoyed when i don't lood or research "important symbols" and include them in my art. Another one is a politician who tells me I'm worthless etc and a drain on the economy. Let's just say the medication came as a relief because life was getting very loud, amplified and overcrowded.
I know what you are saying about missing social ques. I also can suffer from the same thing. I find it hard to read peoples facial expressions. Sometimes they appear to be very, very serious when apparently they are not. I get it wrong a lot. Other times a think people are being funny and I laugh, they get annoyed because they are actually trying to be serious and make a serious point. I get things around the wrong way or react inappropriately at times because I miss read the social ques or facial expressions. I think people are laughing at me when they are not etc.
I too feel unmotivated and not real enthusiastic about the options in front of me. I have to really push myself to set goals and believe that I do have a future and the world is not going to discriminate against me or push a whole heap of stigma my way. A health worker said to me the other day, "how will people even know you have schitzophrenia?". My answer to that was:
A: Everyone knows because there is no such thing as privacy and
B: I wasn't aware that my condition needed to be kept a secret. Isn't that just contributing to the on-going stigma by being afraid to disclose your condition to people for fear of how people might react. After all, they are saying that a mental illness should be treated by society as "no different to having a flu or a broken arm that needs healing". That's the new sort of mental illness marketing direction they appear to be taking nowadays anyway...not sure everyone is as positive as those trying that angle of promotion though. Perhaps stigma will reduce over time. One can only hope.
I too am trying to get out and about. Plenty of walking to exercise. I find my medication gives me very restless legs so i need to keep moving. I try and read as much as I can but my concentration is not what it once was. I push myself to finish chapters though. Set goals as to when i have to have a certain amount of a book read by. I find small goals are the key to staying motivated. I have a diary and plan the day before what I am going to achieve the next day.
I agree retreating and enjoying solitude are good but make sure you reach out and connect and don't isolate yourself too much. I have isolated myself for many years and believe me when I say its is the WORST thing you can do if you do that too often and for too long. I volunteer for 3 hours every week with a charity group. Its a struggle with the voices and the paranoia, but i feel like i've achieved something and given something back everytime i go and that i think helps me to grow a bit of confidence. Its worth the mind struggle to go and do it every week, put it that way.
Contact with certain people helps. I have selected contacts. One is an artist who has also battled with mental illness. We therefore relate to each others battle. We don't focus on that though. We talk about art and try and encourage one another to create, restore and evolve. I don't rely on him but it is nice to have someone there to talk to occassionally and to inspire you to express how you're feeling creatively so the illness does not consume you totally. Drawing and colour pulls me out of the darkness. It's very, very important for me to be able to express in this way to stay healthy. Even though one of my voices is an art critic I still refuse to be defeated by him. Who knows maybe other artists hear voices too. The desire and will to create is too strong.
I get what you are saying about relationships that might cause you problems. I have had to leave other relationships including family out of the picture as it is too difficult to cope with the mental health issues of others when i need to be focused on getting well myself. Its the old saying "If you don't help yourself, you're no good to anyone else". I hope to restore certain family relationships in the future. That is a long way down the track though. I don't need other people making me feel unwell with their unwellness if that makes any sense. My mother has schizophrenia and talks to people that are not there and has done ever sense I can remember. She also has a drinking problem. My father has some paranoid illness and thinks the military watches everyone through the roof tops via satellite etc. Pretty full on stuff to have to try and relate to everytime you see them. I can't really fix their issues. I need to just stay focused on my own health right now.
I use music, reading, art and certain meditation apps such as 'smiling mind' to support me. At the moment I am in a mental health facility and participating in a goal orientated program to help me stay positive and focused on my health and future.
I like your comment about "Life is a marathon not a running race". It certainly is a marathon, especially with schitzophrenia. Its a constant battle not to be defeated by one's own mind everyday. To atypical minded people this would make no sense. To me and those who fight everyday with something that has no cure - it makes perfect sense. Life is not meant to be a fairy tale and our illness is no badge of honour. We have to find a way of co-existing with it. Find a passion and give our lives purpose.
It kind of annoys me when everyone here's the word "schizophrenia" and automatically assumes you're going to hurt them though. I am so harmless and the stigma hurts my feelings deeply. Ladies and gentlemen of the world wide 'mental illness stigma jury'....we are not all "criminally insane", nor do we have any potential or desire to be.
I like you hesitate, double question and double think also. I think the key to trying to overcome these sort of set backs is having a diary. Setting yourself daily task/goals and long term goals helps you feel like your life has direction and purpose. That way you don't find yourself being overcome by the voices. I still feel quite unwell and am told i need to take things day-by-day, but I have set myself tasks so I won't slip backwards. I have set myself things to do and I must therefore get them done. When i have done them I feel i have achieved something and this is good for my confidence.
I have a journal. Its seperate to my diary. I write down inspirational things that i hear or stick in nice things that I find. It could simly be a feather I find on the ground. It might be a four leaf clover that i find. I actually found one of these recently. I don't believe in lucky charms but its my favourite thing i've ever had i think.
I like looking through my journal when i'm feeling sad. Re-reading the nice things i've written down or stuck in it. It helps to keep me inspired to push forward and remind me that I am a good person. I just have a mental illness. It chose me through predisposition. I didn't choose it. Let's face it who would. The illness itself does not discriminate - society can discriminate against those who have the illness though. If you let it, that is....
Let me know your thoughts.
As I said i am new to forums so i hope i haven't said the wrong thing. I'm sure somebody will let me know if i have.
