Coming to terms with reality

[Adek]

Hello everyone. I hope all is well for you @Former-Member @eudemonism @Vanessa5 @Appleblossom...I have lost track of the lengthy chat threads over the weekend. Its been really packed..with a couple hours drive outstation...had a 2 days seminar held in a highland estate. So its cool and breezy and lovely sightseeing as well. I managed a live video on my way downhill, drive through a tunnel with the blue-green mountains around ...and posted it on facebook.

Before that was a wedding of my nephew..so its gathering with families and lots of hugging and photography etc. Today...i have a few government offices and banks visits with my daughters...trying to sort out some documents and accounts..and get meningococcal jabs for visa purposes.. travelling abroad early November.

By month end when the girls have left and festive season is over i hope my schedule will be less hectic so i could start working on my sewing machine again and catch up with dress alteration project which was abandoned over a month now.

And by the way...my ex husband is proposing for reconciliation..re marriage sometime in December. I..havent made up my mind. Was in polygamous marriage for 13 years with him..with a few divorces in between..and most of time i was on my own because of the sickness. I do get lonely when the girls are not around..and cried often too when i missed him...but i don't know if marriage is what i really need..again.. at the age of 46. He is 61 and the other wife is 59..with 4 grandchildren. Being orphaned since 12 made me looked for a father-figure in a husband... instead of a spouse or partner. And he played his role well all these years.

I could use some insights from our VR friends here cuz none of my friends knew we were actually divorced for now.. Thanks in advance.

[eudemonism]

Give me 10 minutes to do an interpretation of all this writing. I may need to go into my memory banks, change my personality and mentality.

[eudemonism]

@Vanessa5 @Appleblossom each morning i get up. And i have my coffee, a few cigarettes, watch some tv, tend to my animals. Make the bed, sweep the floors, do the dishes, and do any other cleaning that needs to be done. Because it gives me a sense of achievement, satisfaction and pride. And have a healthy breakfast. And Do a journal entry.
I also go for regular walks with my dog. And spend time caressing and comforting my cat. I have a small group of people i rely on for support. And it works well for them. And it works well for me. I show honesty, honour and integrity all the time. And i show forgiveness, compassion and humility toward all. Because its the only way to make it work for me.
I relax, meditate and be mindful at every available opportunity i have got throughout the day. And i get a full nights sleep. Each and every night.

@Adek and @Former-Member ... the world can be a really nasty place when you're spiritually aware of what's happening in the lives of the people in your life. It's a very controlling, manipulating and deceptive scene to be involved with. And unfortunately for the lowly, the downtrodden and the poor. Sometimes, dealing with these types of people is the only option they have to help themselves. Be it family, friends, community members, doctors, support workers, nurses, psychiatrists, or psychologists. Whom ever it maybe... they all have nasty, evil and yucky sides to them. Which is just waiting to attack at any opportunity they get. Which usually happens when disagreements, conflicts or feuds occur.
And to be on the receiving end of this. Day after day. Week after week. Month after month. And year after year. Is the most horrible fate for anyone to face. In particularly when they have religious training, or system based training under their belts. Or have more social power to use against you. In other words. They have what they need!
Your wellbeing becomes irrelevant to them. Because you pose a threat to their position in the pack. And if anything. Because of this they will punish you. Rather then continue doing what they are obligated to do. Bye law. And bye morals, etiquette and values. And most of all human decency...
Because it means they loose power, control and the significant outlook upon themselves. And would prefer to punish rather then admit they are wrong. Its a form of social degradation. And it is solely what i resent most about human nature.

[eudemonism]

What have i learnt about myself, others and reality this morning? @Former-Member @Former-Member @Shaz51 @Neo ... i live in a world that is very isolated from others due to self centered and selfish behaviour and not having anything to offer anyone or society. Or not wanting to give what they want from me. I am timid of other people because it is what i get in return. Even though I have a socially addictive nature. And it gets to the point where i figure i am better off being completely independent from others. Or at least as much as i can be. Even though impossible.
As for other people. You could say they have their own wellbeing and best interests at heart over all others. Even if it is. In a selfless and considerate way. And they eventually learn that putting themselves first is the best option. Otherwise they will leave nothing for themselves. And will end up dependant on others beings. For a decent existence.
And as for reality, in a spiritual and mental way. As much as we rely on other beings for a sense of connection, happiness, health, meaning, joy and purpose. We also know that it is where all the pain, hurt, turmoil and distress comes from. So it becomes a case of... manipulation, control and power. And i think everyone knows. That no one can really be trusted. When push comes to shove.
It is a lonely and desperate existence for all i suppose. And i think we are all. Using each others weaknesses as leverage against our own suffering. And we really need to feel that there is always someone below and someone above.
I think we are searching in vein. For that perfect day. And that perfect way to live our lives. But unfortunately. We live in a mental world of chaos and dismay. Which we keep at bay. Through psychical barriers. And protection measures. Which essentially cannot protect us. From ourselves. Which makes a lock on the door. The most ironically cruel thing. One could ever do themselves.........

Am i really a result of God's will? Or just another piece on the chess board that the Devil plays...?

[Adek]

@eudemonism..you have spoken exactly the hidden baggage i have been carrying all these years. And the sudden and continuous head and upper back pain i had since he mentioned it yesterday is not a tell-tale signs of how bad things had been.

Keeping going back to a narcissistic spouse is just too common (found out from articles online) despite the mental abuse it causes. I really need to come up with a new wellness plan and put it into practice within the next 4 months adding this in as a major trigger factor. Unless i do that...this whole episode will carry on a vicious cycle till our last breath.

[Vanessa5]

@Appleblossom @eudemonism

I know what you mean. I like to talk about common interests in the group. Its good to get out the negative things but its the positive abilities and shared interests that keep us feeling alive and well

I see you are into animals also and music. Music is great for mindfulness. I also like comedy. I can't laugh as much as used to but i think that is a matter of perseverance and re-wiring once medication stabilises fully also. 

I know what you mean about not being able to screen what pops out sometimes. I think that has to do with missing ques and not being able to sense or realise how others are feeling. I do it more than often and then feel bad about once its pointed out to me. I try now to really make sure that i'm not misinterpreting a situation but i'm not always successful in my efforts and can still offend people by laughing or saying something they consider to be the wrong thing for that situation. It annoys me that i can't get this right. "practising" socialising as you put it is the best form of learning how to behave in different situations. 

At least you are trying to put one foot in front of the other and make plans to do things that are meaningful. If we do things that give our life purpose we feel more grounded and in touch with reality. Setting little goals for me is the key so far. Its still only early days and I have a lot of social anxiety still.

I agree that some artistic communities are inclusive of diversity.  There may be somewhere for @eudemonism & others to fit in. My art is not really for an audience though. Its for the pure enjoyment of creating and how that feels. Its mindfulness in itself and for me, there is no other feeling that compares to being creative. I tire easily now though and cannot draw or paint for as long as i once could but the feeling of enjoyment is still there and that's whats important. The constant battle with the art critic internal audio is just something that i have to put up with i guess.

I hope you are listening to some nice tunes and being creative somehow. I find jazz (without lyrics) very good for shifting my thoughts into a more positive mode.

[Vanessa5]

@Appleblossom @eudemonism

I know what you mean. I like to talk about common interests in the group. Its good to get out the negative things but its the positive abilities and shared interests that keep us feeling alive and well

I see you are into animals also and music. Music is great for mindfulness. I also like comedy. I can't laugh as much as used to but i think that is a matter of perseverance and re-wiring once medication stabilises fully also. 

I know what you mean about not being able to screen what pops out sometimes. I think that has to do with missing ques and not being able to sense or realise how others are feeling. I do it more than often and then feel bad about once its pointed out to me. I try now to really make sure that i'm not misinterpreting a situation but i'm not always successful in my efforts and can still offend people by laughing or saying something they consider to be the wrong thing for that situation. It annoys me that i can't get this right. "practising" socialising as you put it is the best form of learning how to behave in different situations. 

At least you are trying to put one foot in front of the other and make plans to do things that are meaningful. If we do things that give our life purpose we feel more grounded and in touch with reality. Setting little goals for me is the key so far. Its still only early days and I have a lot of social anxiety still.

I agree that some artistic communities are inclusive of diversity.  There may be somewhere for @eudemonism and others to fit in. My art is not really for an audience though. Its for the pure enjoyment of creating and how that feels. Its mindfulness in itself and for me, there is no other feeling that compares to being creative. I tire easily now though and cannot draw or paint for as long as i once could but the feeling of enjoyment is still there and that's whats important. The constant battle with the art critic internal audio is just something that i have to put up with i guess.

I hope you are listening to some nice tunes and being creative somehow. I find jazz (without lyrics) very good for shifting my thoughts into a more positive mode.

[Vanessa5]

@Former-Member @Appleblossom

Hey there. It's o.k I know what what your trying to say and I for one did not take offence. That's the thing with these forums and other social media....they're so instant and we all say things that sometimes get misunderstood or taken out of context. 

We have all obviously been through some extremely tough situations that have either lead to us becoming MI or we had a predisposition to it and these situations only contributed to us becoming disabled mentally because of that fact. 

We all need to keep on believing in our abilities and not focus so much on our inabilities. Easier said than done some days and believe me I know! But through that we promote inclusiveness, diversity and hopefully reduce the level of stigma.

I don't believe in hiding my illness or hiding behind it either....this is counter productive to breaking down the barriers created by society and only increases the stigma. Society can't come to treat us normally if we hide and don't promote awareness. I lack a little confidence at the moment. I just get tired of being looked at as a potential 'axe murderer' when i mention the word schizophrenia. But i want a normal life so I have to push forward, make plans and create some certainty. The reason for this is that through CERTAINTY we create CONFIDENCE.

I am worried about the future as a schizophrenic female and what people think, but I'm not going to hide from the world. I'm going to push forward and forge some sort of life with purpose and help others within the community. Its going to take some time and goal setting but it will be a better life as opposed to moping around about my diagnosis. I am sort of angry that i ended up with schizophrenia sometimes but i'm now thinking about how i can turn this 'negative' into a 'positive' - re-training in community services etc as i used to be an accountant and getting on with things. Battle on with the internal audio. What's the other option? Feeling sorry for myself and not going forward. No thanks.

Hope that helps you realise that not everyone misunderstood your comment yesterday.  

Peace.

[Vanessa5]

@Appleblossom

that's a great picture by the way...

[Vanessa5]

@Adek@eudemonism@Former-Member@Appleblossom@Shaz51

If you get a few minutes you might like to watch this video by comedian Ruby Wax on You Tube:

"What's so funny about mental illness? Ruby Wax"

Ruby is a well known comedian with a lived experience with MI. She was institutionalised, went on to study the human brain at university and what actually causes modern day mental illness. She now promotes mindfulness and campaigns for MI awareness.

For those who are fans of comedy Absolutely Fabulous - Ruby was part of the comedy production team behind that series.

Rather insightful and comical approach. Worth watching and only goes for a few minutes. There are other you tube clips by Ruby on MI available as well.