Lived Experience Forum

[Atalanta]

Hi,

I saw a counsellor today. Having discussed all the reasons for me not to end my life...uh, they aren't any...she got me to promise not to suicide or to at least make an attempt to call for help. I had a friend who had to do this and I have also in the past...it's standard I think, and it's the silliest thing. Sure, my survival instinct won't stop me from suicide, knowing that people in my life will be hurt won't stop me, but you know, the promise to the local counsellor will. It just doesn't work and it's annoying cause not only do I feel guilty about ending it, I then have to feel bad about lying too.

Anyway, I gave the promise. I will try not to end myself.

[suzanne]

 Hi @Atalanta, I've been on the other side of that conversation and was never a big fan of the 'promise' for the very reasons you state.  I always felt like it was making my role in someones life to be far greater than it really was.  But ideally, the promise is just one part of the conversation and the other parts of it - reasons not to, ways to cope when the urge is strong, who to reach out to etc - are the more helpful parts.  

Did you get anything out of those parts of the conversation that can help you today?

[Atalanta]

The only element of my life which calms me down and wanting to live is going to uni. So talking about that helped. I was able to do some study after getting back. But really, nah. The best thing that could happen is if I died. I know family would be upset but they would get over it and my death would put them in a better financial situation. It's complicated.

As for urges, yeah, they are there constantly. I have so much hatred and anger towards myself that I do feel like I am battling monsters inside of me sometimes...sometimes I control them and sometimes I feel like a hostage.

Anyway, seeing my new permanent counsellor tomorrow. Lol, I think I will crack up and laugh if he asks me to make a promise after this convo.

[NikNik]

Hi @Atalanta

Great to 'meet' you.

I know some of our members have found Beyondblue's 'BeyondNow' safety planning app helpful. It touches on what you have said you & your counsellor have talked in terms of talking about what keeps you going - but also has some space to plan practical strategies and supports to have on hand. If you're interested, there's more info here

Out of interest, what are you studying at uni?

Nik

[Atalanta]

Psychology...graduate diploma. I'm in my 50s and studied years ago but then other things happened.

[Atalanta]

Wondering about yourself...if you have done some study?

I will look at the app, thanks? I know it sounds weird but I feel like it is a betrayal to try to save myself. Ok so today I don't want to do it but I do want to do it eventually. I'm prepping myself for it, so using the app would undo that. Sorry. I must sound awful.

[NikNik]

Good on you @Atalanta for getting back into the study! I just don't have the patience to go back to uni. I enjoy the learning part and sharing opinions and ideas with others, but not so much the essay writing part.

I have studied education though. I really enjoyed that. It was a while ago now though.

What you said doesn't sound weird. Perhaps look at the app as broadening and adding to your options, not excluding other options you currently have.  

[Atalanta]

I hope you do go back. There has been a lot of advancement towards helping mature students study and write.

Lol...I promise to look at the app. Really.

[NikNik]

LOL maybe too many promises for one day? No pressure.

Can I ask, do you study online or face to face?

[Atalanta]

It's suppose to be on campus but things have changed and a lot of it is done over the net. At the moment, all my lectures are on the net but I go in for tutorials. Articles are on the net too. They have computers, cafes, gym...I feel 20 years younger when I go and there's a lot of mature students going these days.