06-06-2019 12:42 AM
The following post discusses physical and sexual abuse and may trigger negative emotions. Please use your discretion as to whether you click to view the post.
06-06-2019 03:15 AM
@ob1 Hi ob1 and welcome to the forums. It does sound like your wife needs professional help but unfortunately no one can be forced unless they are a danger to themselves or others .... I have been down this route many times both for myself and my son2. I think you need a good lawyer to be honest what she is accussing you of is very worrying indeed and can get you into alot of trouble. Make a note of all the police visitations .... of everything that happens. You don't mention how old the children are but if your daughter is getting growing pains she is obviously a early teens? Hmmm .... I hate to be alarmist but I think you are in alot of trouble. Go and visit your trusted gp today and ask for advice. Definitely be at home with your children but make a note of everything that happens.Keep us posted and I really wish you the best of luck. greenpea
06-06-2019 07:56 AM
My daughter is 4 and son is 6. She has retracted (and it is on file) the allegations about sexual abuse from 5 years ago. She has also said that she doesn’t think that I am physically hurting the kids. She still says she is scared of me and this is why I left the family home last night. There is no reason or logic in what she is saying but to her friends she is putting on a very calm and rational front. I am trying to keep it together but having a lot of trouble doing so. We were supposed to be going to the uk for a holiday and to see grandparents and great grandmother. She has now told me her and kids aren’t going. This is days after her suggesting getting tickets for us all to a West End show. We have probably spent about $10k so far and it’s all now wasted. She has said I can go on my own which shows how logical she is being. I am truly at a loss.
06-06-2019 08:20 AM
06-06-2019 08:24 AM
@ob1 Honestly there is nothing you can do until everything falls apart which it sounds like it is starting to. I am so sorry ob1 this is happening to you and to be honest it sounds more than just anxiety but she really has to be assessed to find out the right diagnosis but unless she does it herself or becomes a danger to herself or others she cannot be forced to do so. This puts you in a terrib le situation but I really believe that you should not be forced out of your home away from your children particularly when they are so young they need their dad.
06-06-2019 10:17 AM
Hey there @ob1, firstly thank you so much for sharing your story and reaching out to us here on the forums. Certainly we are a community that can provide a lot of peer to peer support around your own mental wellbeing as well as what you are experiencing with your wife.
I can't imagine how confusing this all is for you, and the back and forth around the allegations certainly would be incredibly painful. I hope you don't mind but I have placed a content warning on your initial post, this is not in anyway to censor your narrative as it's important you feel heard. It's just to give a heads up to those members who have experienced abuse, sometimes these conversations can churn up a lot of historical pain so we're just mindful as Community Manager's in the process.
Out of interest have you ever spoken to the team at Mensline (1300 78 99 78)? They have a lot of insight in this area. The crew there have professional counsellors available 24 hours a day, seven days a week, and often provide varying strategies on conflict management and other avenues of support for experiences such as this. In addition they have a forum as well Though you're still totally welcome here.
Have you thought about seeking out a new family therapist for yourself and your wife?
Speak soon @ob1
06-06-2019 10:57 AM
I haven’t spoken to them. I got here from MHERL site. I don’t really feel like I have any control over what my wife will do. She said she is going to go to someone. I think she needs medication but she is dead set against this. Meds are a short term fix I’m aware but my kids are suffering as a result. She knows this but attributes it to me but I believe it’s her. The police visits were distressing and the circumstances that led to them for the kids which would have been avoided had she sought help earlier. Her mother is undiagnosed and also has mental health issues and my wife has repressed memories of some sort of abuse as a child. The bottom line is she has no appreciation for the chaos she’s causing or the distress the kids and I are under. She’s in an extremely protective mode around the kids and any suggestions i could make would be seen as me trying to control her and manipulate the situation to her detriment. Impossible situation for me to get any successful outcome unless someone tells her she needs to be medicated. If I initiate that she won’t listen to them even if they have qualifications and experience beyond question. She is so sure her reality is correct I have begun to doubt my own.
07-06-2019 09:02 AM
Hi @ob1 and thank you for sharing your story with us.
This must be an incredibly difficult time for you. It is common in this situation for partners to feel under a lot of pressure to be strong, but that doesn't have to be the case. How do you feel about speaking to someone, either professionally or personally, about the distress you are feeling? Looking after your own wellbeing is just as important and I hope you have some support in this time. Your GP can be one place to start.
07-06-2019 11:20 AM
I spoke to Mensline yesterday. Their response wasn’t particularly helpful. The counsellor I spoke to suggested that my actions ie stopping my wife from driving to hospital with our two children and dog(!!!) in the middle of the night could have been taken as being aggressive by my wife. From her perspective anything I do or say is aggressive at the moment. If we were to reverse the situation and I was driving the car and she was standing in front of it to prevent leaving with our kids and dog I would still be viewed as the aggressor.
I despair at this double standard where men are constantly judged as being aggressive when I simply wanted to avoid my wife causing further distress to the kids. If I had simply let her go the possible fallout of that would have been worse for everyone of us.
I fear for the long term future of my children should my wife and I separate permanently. I feel the whole situation is out of control and we are heading to an inevitable conclusion where my wife’s episodes drive the wedge further into the divide between us that already exists.
07-06-2019 04:00 PM
You seem to understand her fear may be separate from your actions actually inducing that fear.
Tbh I am concerned at indiscriminate allegations of sexual and physical abuse and how that increases the distance and tensions between men and women. (my exhusband accused his exes MIL of sex abuse .... sigh ... it had become a thing and I only came to terms with the consequences of real sex abuse and sexual ignorance and judgments). Innuendo is powerful I am also concerned at the denial of very high levels of aggression in women. Women have been more violent to me than men, and I am a woman.
My personal history is that I had to do years of research after dad died to get to the bottom of what was going down in my parents marriage and make sense of my own life.
Today at the doctor's clinic, I witnessed low key diagreements between a mum and dad over a toddler. Dad was leaping through hoops and mum was sullen and oppositional.
If you feel you are not being heard at Mensline, that is doubly terrible as it is the service supposedly doing that job. Keep looking for respect and dignity.
The world, families and children need good men.
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