Lived Experience Forum

[xtine]

Thanks @Rhye ❤️ It will be great to lend my experience to help reach those goals!

I can be very confident and assertive, except when I am in the most vulnerable situations, like intimate relationships, and my relationship with my daughter. I want the best for her and I get terrified I will mess things up. I get great support from my psychiatrist and I see a psychologist on my daughter's behalf. 

I don't worry about abandonment from friends. I have built up huge self-reliant and resilient structures to manage on my own. However, these structures are guarding that very alone, scared and abandoned child inside. 

I guess it's an inverse situation: how confident I can be is how frightened I can get. So, that's what I'm working on now. Developing confidence on the inside, where it hurts the most 😉

[BPDSurvivor]

I feel so privileged to be part of this community. Our insights put together gives strength and hope @xtine @RainbowDash @BlueBay @Bow 

After my MBT treatment, it took so long to get back into society. Like you said @RainbowDash , I’d go to work and that’s it. Also, as mentioned already, social events were draining even though they were fun and people DID want me around. Socialising felt like an obligation.

These forums helped me re-engaged with people. By nature, I’m a write over an orator. Hence, writing down my thoughts and feelings on the forums was like a practice for when I had to speak.

Looking back, I can see how far I’ve come. 

I’ve also felt what you have posted @xtine about stigmatisation and dismissal. It’s sad, but true.

@Bow , I’m not sure I can say I even have a friend. How would you define a friend? Some people call everyone they see their ‘friend’. I’m not like that. To be honest, I don’t think I invest enough in a relationship to call certain people a ‘friend’. And yes, I believe relationships are two way and a healthy relationship means give and take.

Any thoughts?

[xtine]

Hi @BPDSurvivor 

My thoughts about friendship is relationships are varied, and what means friendship to one person can be different to another. For example, someone may call casual acquaintances 'friends' - consider facebook 'friends' for example...

I think what you may be referring to, is true friendship? Where you feel understood and accepted and supported by someone you admire, understand and accept. I don't think it's easy to find friendships like these.

I think it's hard navigating being my own best friend amidst the demands of others. A big way I learned to deal with my stuff was to just take it off the table. Everything became about the other person. I could be liked, valuable - not annoying or a burden.

Now I'm trying to figure out how to take up some space for myself, and accept the fact that those who I want to understand and accept me may just not be able to do so, and that's ok. But more importantly - and this is the confusing one for me - that they still like me and care about me even if they can't accept certain parts of me. That's the part I find tricky - how do I feel about that? Do I still keep them close or give them less of myself?

I think though that some people are more satisfied with deeper emotional connections with people. I'm not sure how universal that desire is.

However, I don't think desiring deep emotional connections is a BPD thing - but desiring them to fill the emptiness inside is, I think. Reflecting on my behaviour, the BPD traits in me showed up by my flipping out when my expectations of others weren't met. Now I'm flipping out less, people-pleasing less, and there's a lot of that emptiness inside me being exposed.

I'm finding reading and studying helps me feel connected to the world of ideas, and I can socialise through academic channels. So, I guess friends can be peer-based, and I think that's helping me. They are connections with a defined emotional boundary around them. I notice how helpful it has been to practice expressing my ideas (and being awake to the recognition that this is a way of taking up space). I think, for me, there is a difference between seeking approval/validation and seeking recognition as an individual. But I think the line can be a fine one...

[BPDSurvivor]

Wow @xtine ! Thank you for your post! You have such incredible insight. I understand what you mean by “true friends”. I’m not sure if I have one. That is, one that truely accepts me for who I am.

And I agree with you when you mentioned borderlines seeking to fill the void. Nowadays, I no longer have that void, and I believe much of it is due to having a deeper understanding of my ways of thinking, and how it translates to my behaviour. I also hardly “flip out” now. 

Like you, I also prefer to socialise through academic channels. I do find it hard to find people who think on the same wavelength as me though. I’m not one to like small talk. My mind is always thinking, planning, working things out - I find small talk a waste. And maybe that’s part of my dissatisfaction when socialising. In my whole life, I think I’ve met 3 people who think on the same wavelength as me or even above me. I find their ideas intriguing, but then I also withdraw because of maybe an inferiority complex? I don’t know.

As far as Ive come, I’ve still got so much to learn.

Please @xtine continue sharing your insights. I really appreciate it.

BPDSurvivor

[xtine]

Thanks @BPDSurvivor I'm

glad to hear my contributions are appreciated ☺️

I know what you mean about small talk. I feel similarly. It's ok in certain situations, but when it's used as a diversion is when it bothers me the most. Maybe avoidance is problematic for me underneath it all...

The knowledgeable recognise the more you learn, the less you know, so they will (hopefully) be humble and appreciative of someone keen to learn more. And, if they do know more, benefit from their knowledge! You can ask "what do you think about..." or "I don't really understand x, can you explain it/tell me where I can get more info about it?" I find those are some assertive ways to approach people I think are way clever. After a while, you realise they are just in awe of certain others - but they usually have achieved confidence in their own abilities. 

Just keep developing your ideas and connections between different sources of information to drive those conversations further next time 😉

True friends: I guess we're the truest friend we have. But it's nice when we feel understood and accepted by others. To have that as a constant thing is probably rare; there are so many movies about it perhaps for that reason 😆 Then there's a philosophical take: can anyone ever truly understand another? Can we ever truly understand ourselves?

[BPDSurvivor]

I think understanding self and others is an ongoing process until our last breath @xtine . I don’t believe anyone can truly say they know themselves and others because humans are continually changing and largely dependent on their environment .

As for my BPD, I feel like I am continually getting to know myself more and more each day. I don’t know what I’ll be like in another 5 years or so, but one thing I do know - my passion to support those with BPD seems to be growing.

There seems to be such limited support services which focus on BPD and carers of people with BPD. 

I’ll just wait to see what life throws at me. After 6 months study break, I’m looking at other courses to study. I thought I’d want a longer break, but like you said @xtine , people like me just always want to learn more and the more I learn, the more I realise I don’t know!

I think that’s a beautiful thing because it means we don’t stay stagnant in life.

BPDSurvivor

[confused_nomad]

thanks for those resources. I've only just been diagnosed with BPD whilst in hospital (already knew I had bipolar & panic disorder) and I'm looking for ways to help myself. I love the idea of doing art therapy because I'm a creative person. I'm currently applying for NDIS, so if that comes through I am totally going to sign up for the DBT art therapy course 🙂

[BPDSurvivor]

Hi @confused_nomad ,

Glad the resources were helpful. I’ve attended the DBT art therapy and I thought it was great just being able to connect with others while doing something I enjoyed.

All the best!

BPDSurvivor

[BPDSurvivor]

Hi @confused_nomad , how was your day today?

I remember when I was diagnosed with bipolar… I took meds for 10 years only to be told it wasn’t bipolar. I wish I would’ve known earlier.

Therapy for BPD is VERY different to bipolar. I hope you can get all the support you need. BPD seems to be such a misunderstood condition. Borderlines are misunderstood for their energy, passion and zeal. That’s how I like to put it!

All the best,

BPDSurvivor 

[tyme]

Hi @confused_nomad ,

How are you going? It's great you could pop by this thread. Is there anything you'd like to ask our BPD community over here?

tyme