Lived Experience Forum

[TomBoiXXY]

Hi ,
I hope everyone is ok this morning.
I'm new to this & honestly I try to avoid online interaction.
I'm currently going through the Royal Commission Process & it's bringing up memories & sadly I'm realising how my life was affected by the behaviour of others.
I've been diagnosed with PTSD & RTS (Rape Trauma Syndrome) & it's exhausting, dealing with hyper vigilance & feeling unsafe.
I'm MTF & attempting to Transition, I find Trans people quite difficult to relate to as I don't seem to have the 'Stereotypicsl' Trans experience & I think I've developed some internalizied form of Transphobia!
I never felt I was born in the wrong body, & was a naturally feminine male pre-hormones, I'm also very Androgynous & probably identity more as Genderqueer , love & relate to the Boi Culture/identity, I dress very dapper ,work out hard both for fitness & as a form of dealing with trauma & hopefully preventing substance use, suicide , so I'm not a Hyper Femme like most MTF's, I've got loads of Tattooing , piecing & this means I'm an outsider in the Trans Community, who frown on this.
However, I believe I'm true to myself & my Femail Role models are physically strong Womyn, I also do Crossfit & Boxing.
I'm trying to manage, but most days I feel as if I'm a stranger in society, I'm finding I cry so much & I think my cat is getting more cuddles than ever, 'Thankfully she's a Burmese & total Cuddle Bug.
My Royal Commission advocate has suggested joining something social within the LGBTI community, but I finf socialization difficult & tiring, I'm always fearful I'll be judged because of my Gender History or My Trauma .
I've never felt lonely, & always thought that if I don't have friends or supporting, I should look in the mirror and take myself, well it doesn't seem to work now.
Trauma is horrible, it's debilitating.

I hope I haven't caused any offence with the things I've shared & hope everyone has a safe and serene weekend.

[Fancy_Pants]

Hi @TomBoiXXY,

Welcome to the sane forums 🙂

Thank you for being brave enough to share your story, it sounds like even logging in here would have triggered fears about being judged and made an outsider, so huge step to open yourself to us

its sounds like your daily life is challenging and with the commission it could become more so but despite everything you are still working really hard to be healthy in body and mind and move forward

you wrote about looking to yourself for support but that not working right now, is that what brought you here, to find support? who would you most like to hear from? of course no one will share your exact experience but would you like to hear most from those within the LGBTI community? or those who have a diagnosis of PTSD? or RTS? or just others who feel like a stranger in society?

then if you could ask them anything what would you ask? 

ps if you ever just want to chat in general you can log on to a number of threads like Night shift or the Beer Garden or Hot Chocolate Anyone who are currently speaking about their cats 

[Sahara]

Hi @TomBoiXXY,

I just wanted to say "hello" and welcome. I am so sorry to hear that you have not found acceptance within the LGBTI community. I was always under the impression that the LGBTI community were very open-minded and inclusive.... so now I realise that I have been mistaken. Just goes to show that you can find people who are prejudiced everywhere....!

From what you have written, it sounds like you have a positive self-image and that you know who you are. You know what you like and you are sticking to it.... even if you feel that you don't meet the stereotype of what a MTF transgender person is "supposed" to be like. Please don't change for anyone. It is Ok to be unique and I hope that eventually you will be embraced because you are unlike anyone else - and that makes you special.

I sometimes feel very much like I don't belong in my own little community, even though I am a heterosexual woman and fairly conservative-looking. I do not except the stereotype of what women are supposed to look like and act like in our society. I am a feminist and an artist. I often feel like I don't fit in! 

I hope you here from other people who can relate to your experience. I wish you all the best with your transition.

[eth]

Hi @TomBoiXXY  Pleased to meet you and so glad to find your post on the forums.  I am the parent of an adult child who also identifies as gender queer - transitioning from birth assigned female to agender.  I am one of only two people (the other is their husband) who totally support them and hear about their daily challenges. Do you have any family or friends who support you?   It's so true that there is bigotry and stereo-typing everywhere, even in the LGBQTI community.  As if life weren't hard enough.  And I note the language you use and hope I get it right for you as every individual on the gender identity spectrum has different language that works for them.

I am also someone who lives with complex PTSD and is a survivor of several assaults including rape,  so I may offer support with those issues too.  I also often have hypervigilance and feel unsafe, even after much therapy.  Am going back for more therapy soon.  I hope you have some support where you are.  Some psychologists are specialising in gender identity and transition support as well as being trauma trained but it depends where you are.  I know my adult child has accessed such support in Canberra but if you're living in a rural or remote area it would be harder to find. 

I burst into tears when I read your post as so much of it echoes either my adult child or my experience.  You can talk to me as much as you want to.  By this stage I've done a fair bit of reading about gender identity, dysphoria, transitioning, language and such so as to support my adult child.

Dealing with a Royal Commission must be extremely hard too.  If you want to talk about that it's up to you but I will definitely never judge you.

I would just like to say be proud and be you.  Absolutely no offence caused, it's great to see you sharing what you are going through and I hope being in the forums can be helpful to you.

[Former-Member]

Hi @TomBoiXXY,
I personally can't relate to any of your experiences but wanted to offer an open heart and open mind to you on the forum. I am here to listen and chat if you wish. I'm glad you've got your cat. As was mentioned above there have been a few conversations recently about our animals and how their unconditional love helps us😊 Wishing you all the best😊💜

@eth. Sending you kind wishes and hugs after reading your post above💜

[Appleblossom]

Hi Tomboi

I have identified as a tomboy and agender most of my life, but have lived as a female and mother have had 2 natural births.

I have had short periods in and out of male and female gay scenes .. partly as I had 3 gay uncles ... and lived around StKilda for a while.

"In group and out group" issues seem VERY much part of human society .. no matter what ...I am sorry you felt rejected by a trans community.  I am also going through a Royal Commission experience .. its tough .. but hang in there .. I certainly didnt find anythying wrong with your post .. you were just saying it as it is ... for you.  Hope the forum gives you some relief.

regards Apple

[Owaf]

Hi @TomBoiXXY

Welcome 

Avoid online interactions? Interesting.

True to yourself sounds seems to be the best way to be.

Stranger to society? I'm not sure blending in seamlessly is a good thing, much better to be who you are than act like someone your not.  I've never experienced any real sense of community (beyond work).

Shame about the tattoos, I enjoy knowing they have meaning.

Stay strong, stay true 

[Decadian]

@TomBoiXXY

I really don't have any idea of what kind of difficulties you have fitting in with our society - I was certainly a tomboy and resented being female when I was young - but in retrospect this was rather that I would have like or more strongly - loved the choices men had that women didn't

I am happy enough as a woman

However - there are events in all our lives that do open us to new experiences - I had a friend at university - she was not in my classes - but we met for lunch often - and I was saddened when she seemed to have disappeared and had no way of contacting her - many people pass through our lives like this

But I had met a friend of hers - they were both mtf full-surgery etc - and when I met her friend in the city one day I learned my friend had taken her own life - some people can change and fit in well in their different communities - but my friend did not -

And just watching DNA NATION - I can see how diverse our culture is - and inside the culture - all manner of sexual orientation - something I never knew of until I had this beautiful friend I loved - and it was just a simple friendship between to intelligent self-education women - and she died and it was a long time before I knew

Although this must have happened well over 30 years ago - I still feel the pain -

So - what I am trying to say is that it is a complicated situation - and it will be difficult - society is changing but there are so many things changing it will not be "seemless"

I wish you the best - and as far as I can see - there is no harm in writing about it here - we are all different -

I hope to hear more from you

Decadian

[TomBoiXXY]

Hi eth,
Thankyou for your kind words, I Must admit I don't have much knowledge of differing Gender Identities, I'm probably bit ignorant.
I was first diagnosed? With Gender Identity Disorder at age 14, I'm also 47XXY I have Klinefelters syndrome & a form of androgyne insensitivity syndrome.
Ive been quite fortunate & have very helpful Endocrionologists, clinical psychologists & psychiatrists , they've been more than helpful with Hormone Therapy, Although Surgery is really expensive but something I hope to achieve soon.
It's reassuring to hear that your supportive of your child, I never had a biological family & didn't relate to my adoptive family & I haven't seen them for years.
Mostly I try and manage my PTSD & associated Anxiety with exercise & creative hobbies.
Thankyou again

[Decadian]

@TomBoiXXY

I did love my adopted son unconditionally - except for the Tough Love that was needed -

He did not relate to us - though he told me that I was his friend - not his mother (he always called me Mum though)

My family could not accept him - so for him - and since he died I have the proof that he was an aboriginal child - he could not fit in with them (my family) - saying the truth

"They ask too much"

So - I don't really understand what it is you are facing @TomBoiXXY - I understand the isolation and the pain of not fitting in - and I am sure that I understand that you did not have a biological family - I saw such a situation up close -

Keep writing - I will try and understand your situation better -

Decadian